Friday, April 18, 2008

It's getting Real...

Well, I think we are in the final leg...of our adoption journey...We have gotten word that our home study was approved! (Yeah!) Sooo... now we have the next...oh I don't know, 40 pages or so of paperwork to complete! notarize...double notarize...have the seal of the secretary of state(?)

I was so excited when I saw the email...and then as I looked it over...page after page...after page...I started to panic!

Why?

Partly because, I don't "get" much of the formalities...the paperwork...the wording...the notaries...Quite honestly it was a bit over my head...

Once again, Jud to the rescue...he calmly assured me, we've figured it out before, we'll figure it out again. We're hoping to get everything wrapped up this weekend! We're still waiting for our fingerprint date but I'm sure that will be any day now....

I think the other reason for my sudden burst of emotions lately, is because...it is finally getting real.

And now I have to live with that reality.

Now, I know that my child is out there somewhere. And it will be months until he/she is home...

This is the part of the journey that is so difficult...

And to most people...like my family and friends it probably just seems like I'm being an ornery bitch lately! Which, I admit, I have. But not completely without reason.

For people that haven't been through this experience, however supportive they may be, it's not possible for them to really "get it". To get how heavy your heart is. To get the feelings of loss and guilt you experience going through adoption.

I think three years ago when we went through this, I didn't really get it either. I didn't fully understand the range of emotions you can experience one minute to the next...and the toll it takes on you...physically and emotionally.

And because of that, because I wasn't open about the feelings I was experiencing, even to myself...when Emma came home, it hit me like a ton of bricks!

This time though, I hope that I've been handling things a little better. Our agency has a forum for adoptive families, which has been absolutely invaluable to me! There are families in all different phases of their adoption journey who are so open and honest with each other about all of the different aspects that other people simply can't. It's been really helpful to have these forum friends to rely on...to look to for advice...and to listen to their experiences so we can all learn from each other and in the long run, help each other. I am so grateful to all of the families who have shared so openly!

So I guess, I should warn you...this is the part in the blog where I will try to be very honest. I must admit most days I am a basket case already, so I warn you, it won't be pretty! If you can't handle the emotional stuff...this is not the ride for you!

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