Wednesday, October 28, 2009

I may only be one. But I am one of many.

This is a video that This mommamade...

Seriously, if your anything like me, you see those faces and you feel compelled to do something. But you feel like it's a daunting task, you are only one, how can one make a difference? The thing is, we are one of many. Together we can make a big impact, and now is the perfect time to try. Doctors Without Borders currently has a matching program that will DOUBLE any donation! Just CLICK HERE to find out how. Believe me, I know it's been a tough year, but when your $10 donation can suddenly become a $20 one, how can you not? This is how we can make a difference!

Court date!

I just received notice that we have a tentative court date!

November 29th !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

After/if we pass there are still a few steps but we're getting closer!

So exciting!!!!

Since I've already used words on this Wednesday...I want to tell about some great moms doing incredible work! Like THIS one, and THIS one, and THIS one..

Really go check them out! And give with cause!

Wordless Wednesday

Monday, October 26, 2009

Falling off the blogsphere?

I just don't know.

I don't know what to write, I don't know how to get the things inside my head to make any sense at all. In the past writing about what I was feeling, reading about what other people were feeling, seemed to help.made it all make sense. but I just don't know.

I seem to be up and down. physically and emotionally. from one minute to the next things seem to change drastically.

The flu has definitely taken a toll on us. I have taken more trips to the pediatrician's office than I care to admit. Just as one gets better, another starts with a sore throat, or an ear ache, or a fever, or a sinus infection...and on and on it's exhausting!

But we're getting through it.

With lots of cuddles, movies, fluids and antibiotics!

I know that part of what is making it so much harder is that every time I check one of the kids for a fever, or get up with one of them in the night, I wonder how he is doing. I wonder where he is. Is he sick? Does he have a cold? a fever? Is someone there when he wakes up in the night crying?

Not knowing much is really tough.

I try to think forward to the day when he's home rather than wonder how many days it will be before we can hold him.

But it's hard.

I've started preparing for him. Nesting. Caroline and I set up the crib and Emma helped me make room for his things in her closet.

Yes, I realize it will be months before he's home but I needed to see his things out around the house. A happy reminder that it's really happening...It's been fun. Exciting to think about the future. Our future.

One true bummer though was realizing that we're not as prepared as I thought we'd be. As I had planned we'd be.

You see, I am very organized about the kids clothes. And by organized I mean borderline psychotic! Not only are their closets organized by color, but the system of bins in the basement-organized by size then season, it's something that sadly I take great pride in. Psychotic I tell ya! But with lots of kids, and lots of hand-me downs coming from cousins it really helps to have a system. Yes, I know I'm a dork! But a well organized dork! If I have a friend that is looking for 3t girls jeans, I can find them in 2 seconds! Girls 18 month swimsuit? In the pink bin labeled girls 12-18 month summer of course!

So imagine my surprise when I went to the basement to retrieve some onzies from the baby boy 3-6 month blue bin, just to spice up the chore of laundry one day, to find no baby boy bin! not 3-6. not 6-9. not 6-12.

This has turned into one huge headache!

The bottom line is, I lent all of my baby boy clothes, everything I had up to 12 months, to someone. Someone I didn't know all that well but, who I knew really needed them. Well, apparently she no longer has any of them. It's been frustrating! Not just because of the clothes themselves, although it would have been fun to see the little peanut in some of Jack and Sam's old stuff, but what's more upsetting is the attitude and ungratefulness that this woman is showing. I feel like I've totally been taken advantage of! And it's not a good feeling.

Jud keeps telling me, it's ok. We can buy new stuff. But that's not it. It's not about the clothes! I'm pissed off and I don't know how to just let it go. Right now I feel like I'm wasting my time and energy being upset about something that just isn't worth getting worked up about. So I've started wondering, if this isn't about the clothes, and I know we'll be just fine and prepared for the peanut, is my obsession about this clothes situation just a way for me to avoid thinking about all of the tough adoption related questions, all of the unknowns?


Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Saturday, October 17, 2009

Now what?

Well it's been just over two weeks since we got THE call.

Two weeks.

Two weeks since saw our first glimpse of our son's sweet face.


He's such a little peanut.

We're not allowed to post his photo until we pass court and he is officially our son. But honestly, I don't think I'll be comfortable sharing his beautiful photos until I am able to hold him in my arms. Hug him. squeeze him. smell him.

So what happens now?

Well, we wait.

We wait to be assigned a court date. We should hear something later this week or next. I'm trying to stay hopeful that we will have a November court date, but I don't know if that's at all likely....Then if/when our case passes through court then we wait again to be assigned to a travel group. Then we travel to bring our son home!

When I asked my worker about what kind of timeline we were looking at, she said for sure not before the end of the I'm HOPING it's January...We'll have to wait and see...blech!

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Before I forget

I've got lots to catch up on, but we have our second fingerprint appointment early tomorrow so I am heading off to bed soon. But before I forget, I wanted to share a quick Sam funny!

This morning was quite crazy.

So when I picked Sam up from school at 11:00 rather than sit and wait outside for half an hour for Emma, I had an idea.

Me, "Sam, how about while we are waiting for Emma, we quick run to McDonald's grab lunch, then come back to pick up Em and then head home?"

Sam, "I like the way you're thinking!"

I started laughing and said, "Sam, you crack me up!"

He smiled and said, "Yeah, sometimes I crack myself up!"

oh I love that kid:)

Wordless Wednesday

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

THE call!

I know many of you are waiting for the details!

So, Friday started like all other days. Get everyone up-dressed-fed-make lunches-out the door by 7:50.

After everyone was safely in school, I had just enough time to run home clean up the breakfast disaster that was left in my kitchen and run a couple errands. Then I was back to pick up Sam at 11:10 and Emma at 11:40

We headed home with a few new movies and my list of things to accomplish before we headed back to pick up Caroline and Jack at 3:00. Jud was in a golf tournament that day, we had a babysitter planned for later that night so I could join him for dinner.

Sam and Emma were eating lunch, talking silly...I was standing in the kitchen eating my lunch, going over my list of things I was hoping to get done in the next 3 hours, when the phone rang.

I immediately recognized the number.

I stood there. holding the phone. ringing.

Thinking, answer it! answer it stupid this is it!

I started to panic, started choking on my salad--ok who I am I kidding it was a big mac--but still I started choking!

So even though I'm coughing I finally answer the phone, because I'm afraid by now it's been ringing so long they're bound to hang up!

I manage to barely get out a, "hello?"

then it gets a little a fuzzy.

It was my worker, who I've stalked--I mean talked to many times over the past few months. I don't remember what she said at first, but I remember her tone was much different...she seemed happy, I knew she was smiling, she had news!

I remember her saying, "so Jessica, I know you are open to a child up to 3" legs started to get a little shaky so I sat down on the kitchen floor..."what would you think about a 6 week old baby boy?"

I'm pretty sure all I could get out was "okay?"

She asked if I wanted her to read the information to me over the phone or if she should email it to this point I was walking circles through the kitchen and living room, trying to keep from crying. I asked her to start reading it to me but send it too because there was no way I was going to remember a word of what she was saying...she started to read...I started to cry.

Suddenly, I thought, --holy shit! Jud!-- I shouldn't be hearing this without him!-- I started texting him-- remember he's golfing today?!

after all of the conversations we've had about---I know you have a meeting, but please leave your phone on---I promise I won't call unless it's important---we decided that texting would be a surefire way to get a hold of him no matter what! So we had a code, "champagne at our hose now" of course!

-he didn't reply!
-I kept resending. he didn't reply.

I sent him probably 8 texts before I finally realized, -he either has his phone off or it's in his golf bag...either of which does not make me happy at this point!

We ended the conversation with me on the kitchen floor,crying, and her saying something about some glitch so she didn't have the information in email format or something, so it would take a few minutes but she would get it to me shortly...

and then we hung up.

I sat for about 5 minutes. in quiet. my house is never quiet. it felt strange.

Then. again. I thought "Jud!"

I ended up calling the golf shop where he was playing, talking to the pro, making I'm sure absolutely no sense, telling him that someone needed to find Jud, somewhere out on the course and tell him "champagne at our hose", now if that doesn't scream crazy wife on the line I don't know what does!

I sat there for what seemed like forever, waiting for the email. waiting for Jud to call. I called Rebekah, because I didn't know what else to do. She calmed me down. briefly. then I started to pace around the house again. staring at my inbox with the phone tightly in my hands.

Finally the email came. Just as I started to read it, Jud called. I read it to him. I cried some more. I'm pretty sure he did too. I realized that he is actually 8 weeks old, I don't know why I thought she said 6 weeks... Then I scrolled down, and saw his face. My heart stopped. I started to cry a big old ugly cry! He's absolutely gorgeous! After staring at his picture for a few minutes, I suddenly felt this warm, settling, almost calming feeling come over every inch of my body, and I thought, yes. that's him. that's our son.

our son.


Wordless Wednesday

Saturday, October 3, 2009

another hmmmm....

does anyone remember THIS post?

Turns out, she was right!!!!!

Thursday, October 1, 2009

Tribute to a survivor

Lately I've been thinking a lot about my sister Karin. I don't think I've written about her much on this blog...probably in part because I don't think she really reads it, and partly because I know she is a much more private person than I am and I didn't know how she would like me writing about her...But for this particular post I checked with her and she said it would be ok.

She is on my mind...

Now more than ever.

With the reminder that this month is Breast Cancer Awareness month, I've been thinking back a few years, remembering just how strong and courageous Karin really is. Something I don't think she gives herself enough credit for.

So I wanted to write about her, about what she's taught me, and let her know just how grateful I am to have her as my sister and my friend. And how much I still look up to her.

Karin is only a few years older than I am. She was only 31 (the age that I am now) when she was diagnosed with Ductal carcinoma in situ...

I remember that day. Like it was yesterday. A memory forever ingrained in my heart.

I was at her house with her two small kids. I remember pushing the kids on the swings in her back yard, the very backyard where we used to play as kids, thinking everything was going to be fine. The biopsy would prove that it was just a cyst not cancer, she was only 31 for heaven's sake! We don't have a history of breast cancer in our family. Everything was going to be fine.

But the moment she pulled in the driveway, my heart sank. She got out of the car and I knew. Everything was not fine.

The months that followed, were awful. There was lots of testing. Followed by lots of bad news. Karin's cancer was very aggressive. There were concerns that it had already started to spread into her lymph nodes, so her treatment had to be even more aggressive. She had to undergo chemo and radiation along with several very invasive surgeries.

During those months, my sisters and I all became closer than ever. We were all talking to each other several times a day. But instead of talking about kids, or jobs, or borrowing an outfit, like sisters should have been talking about, our conversations became cancer, estrogen and progesterone receptor positive, the effects of chemo and radiation... I remember night after night Kristin and I would be on the phone comparing things we'd read...I remember calling Jean to see how Karin was REALLY doing. inside. Because she, herself, would never let on that things weren't ok.

That's Karin.

She's strong. Incredibly, insanely, inspiringly STRONG.

While I was sitting at home worrying, obsessing, crying, doubting, feeling helpless, hopeless, Karin was busy moving on with life. Trying to keep things as normal as possible for the sake of her kids.

The days when I would worry myself into a paralyzing migraine, she kept right on going. She got out of bed each day, got her kids dressed, fed and off to school. On the weeks that she didn't have chemo, she went to work! She wasn't going to let cancer stand in the way of her living life each day. one day at a time. Karin has handled every thing that life has thrown at her with great strength and determination. each day is a gift. there are no guaranties.

Part of the difficulty for me in those months, was remembering one of my dear friend's mom. Watching her go through the same things that I was now watching my sister go through. Surgeries, chemo, radiation, the loss of her hair. When we were in high school, my friend's mom lost her battle with cancer...

That terrified me every day.

Karin has now been cancer free for four years.

Because of the research that is being done.

Because of the Dr's and the treatments that have come so far in just the past ten years.

I am so thankful.

Because it is Breast Cancer Awareness Month, I challenge each and every one of you to do something. Be a part in the search for a cure!

Susan G. Komen for the Cure

American Cancer Society

and if you can't donate, then run/walk or just be there for someone who needs a shoulder. We all know someone who has been effected by this disease, let's honor them, their fight, by doing something.

This song Dream Big has sort of become Karin's theme song! It still makes me cry every time I hear it.

MySpace Music Playlist at