Monday, October 26, 2009

Falling off the blogsphere?

I just don't know.

I don't know what to write, I don't know how to get the things inside my head to make any sense at all. In the past writing about what I was feeling, reading about what other people were feeling, seemed to help.made it all make sense. but I just don't know.

I seem to be up and down. physically and emotionally. from one minute to the next things seem to change drastically.

The flu has definitely taken a toll on us. I have taken more trips to the pediatrician's office than I care to admit. Just as one gets better, another starts with a sore throat, or an ear ache, or a fever, or a sinus infection...and on and on it's exhausting!

But we're getting through it.

With lots of cuddles, movies, fluids and antibiotics!

I know that part of what is making it so much harder is that every time I check one of the kids for a fever, or get up with one of them in the night, I wonder how he is doing. I wonder where he is. Is he sick? Does he have a cold? a fever? Is someone there when he wakes up in the night crying?

Not knowing much is really tough.

I try to think forward to the day when he's home rather than wonder how many days it will be before we can hold him.

But it's hard.

I've started preparing for him. Nesting. Caroline and I set up the crib and Emma helped me make room for his things in her closet.

Yes, I realize it will be months before he's home but I needed to see his things out around the house. A happy reminder that it's really happening...It's been fun. Exciting to think about the future. Our future.

One true bummer though was realizing that we're not as prepared as I thought we'd be. As I had planned we'd be.

You see, I am very organized about the kids clothes. And by organized I mean borderline psychotic! Not only are their closets organized by color, but the system of bins in the basement-organized by size then season, it's something that sadly I take great pride in. Psychotic I tell ya! But with lots of kids, and lots of hand-me downs coming from cousins it really helps to have a system. Yes, I know I'm a dork! But a well organized dork! If I have a friend that is looking for 3t girls jeans, I can find them in 2 seconds! Girls 18 month swimsuit? In the pink bin labeled girls 12-18 month summer of course!

So imagine my surprise when I went to the basement to retrieve some onzies from the baby boy 3-6 month blue bin, just to spice up the chore of laundry one day, to find no baby boy bin! not 3-6. not 6-9. not 6-12.

This has turned into one huge headache!

The bottom line is, I lent all of my baby boy clothes, everything I had up to 12 months, to someone. Someone I didn't know all that well but, who I knew really needed them. Well, apparently she no longer has any of them. It's been frustrating! Not just because of the clothes themselves, although it would have been fun to see the little peanut in some of Jack and Sam's old stuff, but what's more upsetting is the attitude and ungratefulness that this woman is showing. I feel like I've totally been taken advantage of! And it's not a good feeling.

Jud keeps telling me, it's ok. We can buy new stuff. But that's not it. It's not about the clothes! I'm pissed off and I don't know how to just let it go. Right now I feel like I'm wasting my time and energy being upset about something that just isn't worth getting worked up about. So I've started wondering, if this isn't about the clothes, and I know we'll be just fine and prepared for the peanut, is my obsession about this clothes situation just a way for me to avoid thinking about all of the tough adoption related questions, all of the unknowns?



Calmil2 said...

First of all, you are not psychotic, you are my hero. As I type this I am procrastinating putting the clothes away and putting the old ones in bins that I don't have and then putting the bins somewhere when we don't have space for them, so, again...hero. Yes, the anger is not about not having the clothes, it's about how the lending of the clothes went down :( It's a bummer. Nice of you to help her, now it's time to help yourself and get ready for your new bundle of joy. Did I miss the court date?? Okay, see how long this it? Procrastinating is over, time to get to the clothes :(

Shannon- said...

You are right. It's not completely about the clothes. Your nerves are raw. There are a number of times on this journey when we have to swallow "being taken advantage of" "feeling offended" etc- and we swallow it - cause well what else can you do. So it's OK to be upset about them. Those were your kids clothes. They were so cute in some of those things. They carry memories.

Eventually- you'll get past it. You'll find the good in it. You didn't loan them to the lady cause you were excited to get them back. You didn't loan them cause she was 'such a nice person'. you loaned them- because YOU are SUCH A NICE PERSON! you saw a need and filled it. No doubt this process drains us and we need to find ways to have our own 'needs filled'. (ok- i'm totally blowing smoke out my tukas but you get my point)

You have every right to be angry - sad- mad. Take it out on this lady if you need to. It's a safe place to put it.

And I do like reading your blog- but ... has it served its purpose for you? I find that I know the day will come when I'll hold onto a few of the friends that I've found through this digital outreach. Like IRL- there are others that i need to begin letting go of and just touching base everyonce and a while and the grand majority- will fall away as other priorities take over. So if we never hear from you again- THANK YOU ! You ahve helped me grow and helped me be a better mom through this blog. BUT- if you get a travel date soon touch base!! i'm hoping for one too.


M and M said...

Can I give you some things? I have some things for JC that I am going to ship - sizes starting at 12 mo. But, I have more than I need. LeLe is in 24 mo. so there is plenty. I'd love to give them to you. No return necessary.

Jess said...

That is SO sweet of you! but like I said, we'll be fine. This boy will have a closet full of clothes by the time he gets home;) Thanks for the very generous offer but I think JC's chunk o'love will put them to great use!

KMS said...

We most definitely have a box of boy clothes you lent us! We also have lots and lots of Spence's know I always thought we'd have two boys. We'll bring them when we see you for Hanukkah??