I just don't know.
I don't know what to write, I don't know how to get the things inside my head to make any sense at all. In the past writing about what I was feeling, reading about what other people were feeling, seemed to help.made it all make sense. but I just don't know.
I seem to be up and down. physically and emotionally. from one minute to the next things seem to change drastically.
The flu has definitely taken a toll on us. I have taken more trips to the pediatrician's office than I care to admit. Just as one gets better, another starts with a sore throat, or an ear ache, or a fever, or a sinus infection...and on and on it goes...it's exhausting!
But we're getting through it.
With lots of cuddles, movies, fluids and antibiotics!
I know that part of what is making it so much harder is that every time I check one of the kids for a fever, or get up with one of them in the night, I wonder how he is doing. I wonder where he is. Is he sick? Does he have a cold? a fever? Is someone there when he wakes up in the night crying?
Not knowing much is really tough.
I try to think forward to the day when he's home rather than wonder how many days it will be before we can hold him.
But it's hard.
I've started preparing for him. Nesting. Caroline and I set up the crib and Emma helped me make room for his things in her closet.
Yes, I realize it will be months before he's home but I needed to see his things out around the house. A happy reminder that it's really happening...It's been fun. Exciting to think about the future. Our future.
One true bummer though was realizing that we're not as prepared as I thought we'd be. As I had planned we'd be.
You see, I am very organized about the kids clothes. And by organized I mean borderline psychotic! Not only are their closets organized by color, but the system of bins in the basement-organized by size then season, it's something that sadly I take great pride in. Psychotic I tell ya! But with lots of kids, and lots of hand-me downs coming from cousins it really helps to have a system. Yes, I know I'm a dork! But a well organized dork! If I have a friend that is looking for 3t girls jeans, I can find them in 2 seconds! Girls 18 month swimsuit? In the pink bin labeled girls 12-18 month summer of course!
So imagine my surprise when I went to the basement to retrieve some onzies from the baby boy 3-6 month blue bin, just to spice up the chore of laundry one day, to find no baby boy bin! not 3-6. not 6-9. not 6-12.
This has turned into one huge headache!
The bottom line is, I lent all of my baby boy clothes, everything I had up to 12 months, to someone. Someone I didn't know all that well but, who I knew really needed them. Well, apparently she no longer has any of them. It's been frustrating! Not just because of the clothes themselves, although it would have been fun to see the little peanut in some of Jack and Sam's old stuff, but what's more upsetting is the attitude and ungratefulness that this woman is showing. I feel like I've totally been taken advantage of! And it's not a good feeling.
Jud keeps telling me, it's ok. We can buy new stuff. But that's not it. It's not about the clothes! I'm pissed off and I don't know how to just let it go. Right now I feel like I'm wasting my time and energy being upset about something that just isn't worth getting worked up about. So I've started wondering, if this isn't about the clothes, and I know we'll be just fine and prepared for the peanut, is my obsession about this clothes situation just a way for me to avoid thinking about all of the tough adoption related questions, all of the unknowns?