Disclaimer-this is likely to make absolutely no sense!
It's been a really rough week.
I've been debating about whether to write about it, or to take a little blog break...
And then I started re-reading many of Julie's posts, like this one And I'm realizing how much it helps to hear about how other people find a way to cope or make sense or whatever. I don't know.
I've mentioned before that my dad was sick.
It is not cancer.
It started with an infection in his pancreas.
He was in Florida, had surgery. seemed to get a little better. came home. was not better. Thursday they rushed him to Milwaukee for emergency surgery. Friday morning he had surgery number 1. Saturday morning he had surgery number 2.
I admit, before the surgery when we were sitting in his room and they were going over the risks and having him sign consent forms, I really didn't think that death was a possibility. I mean, I knew it was serious. But he's otherwise in pretty good health. Not, likely to run a marathon anytime soon, but overall healthy. We were actually joking about it! My brother told him if he saw a light to turn around and run the other way!
My dad just smiled and said, "no, if he says it's my time, then it's my time...I'm OK with that, I trust him." Gave me chills. Still does.
So the surgeries went well. I guess. Apparently just the fact that he survived the surgeries was somewhat surprising to the doctors. We weren't all that surprised. He's tough. He's stubborn. He's a fighter.
Then they told us, he may get better. He may be able to go home in a few weeks. He may continue to feel better for a few months.
a few months?
The Doctor (with the most horrendous bedside manner) could read it on all of our faces. a few months?
He warned us not to "get too excited". "Eventually this will kill him".
What the hell do you say to that?
What the hell do you do with that?
How do you go on being hopeful, when it feels hopeless?
How do look at him everyday and wonder if today is the day?
It's so hard.
And there seems to be quite a variation of coping skills amongst the 8 of us...my sister and I are looking for signs...trying to find meaning in every move he makes or word he mumbles...my other sister and brother are making lists of questions for the doctors...some are rarely leaving his bedside...and some refuse to believe that it's as bad as the Dr's say...
I guess we all have to figure out our own way to do this. to handle this. to prepare for this.
How do you prepare to lose someone your not ready to lose?