Monday, January 25, 2010

Worries.

I was talking to my sister Kristin the other day about our travel date.

For a brief time we thought our date changed, and I was busy struggling trying to juggle schedules, making sure all of the details with the kids and the dogs would be covered while we were gone...on a different date than we had previously planned.

then, we heard that our travel date is back to the date we were originally given...March 11th.

Anyway, when I was talking to Kristin, she asked me, "are you worried?"

OF COURSE I'M WORRIED!!!


There are so many things I'm worried about. All of which I've been meaning to blog about...it just usually turns out that once I get my thoughts together enough to type them down, I don't have the time...

I guess tonight is the night.

The kids are all down, and I've spent the majority of the day painting which seems to be my code word for thinking.



So. My Worries.

-It's been a long time since we've had a baby in the house, will it all kick back in?

-How will I juggle all of the drop offs and pick ups with nap times?

-How will I make sure to get one on one time with each of the kids?

-How am I going to keep up on laundry with a baby?

-Will I hear him when he gets up in the night?

-Will he want to co sleep?

-What if he doesn't bond to us right away?

-What if we don't bond with him right away?

-What if I buy the wrong size diapers?

-What if he doesn't like the formula I've brought?

-What do we pack? For us? For baby Will? What size does he wear?

-Every time we add to our family, there is a period of adjustment. I kick into mommy mode for awhile, and life is all about the kids. Not just for the new one but for the kids already at home, I try to make sure that all of the kids are getting what they need. Everything else gets put on the back burner... Which means that even the strong relationship that Jud and I have, things get strained. Honestly, after Emma came home, it took a good year or so before things where back to status quo for us. I worry about the strength of our marriage, our strength in each other, can we support one another again and get through the tough times ahead?

-Will we be stronger after all of this?

-Will I ever get a good nights sleep again?

-How do I baby proof a house full of Lego's and Polly pockets?

This is just the beginning of the list of questions that are constantly running through my head. All of these, I know we'll figure out. We'll get there. I know that. But I still worry. That's me.



What I've been worried about most is our trip to Ethiopia.

As most of you know, when Emma came home we chose to have an escort bring her from Ethiopia to us. At the time, we didn't have much of a choice. Everything happened so quickly, and we had three very young kids at home and no local help...no family close by that could help...there really was no way we could travel...

But I've always felt badly about that. guilty maybe?

maybe regretted?


I guess so. There are always regrets right?


Since the time that Emma came home, our agency has started to offer birth family meetings. While in Ethiopia we will actually have the chance to meet Will's birth family. And possibly Emma's too. There is no way we can't travel. We can't miss that incredible opportunity.

But oh my God. Both Jud and I traveling, on a plane, out of the country, with everything that is happening in the world? It terrifies me! What if something happens? What about our four kids at home? Is it selfish for both us to go? But we both want so badly to be there...together. Should just one of us go? Which one? Could I really handle a trip to Ethiopia alone? Not just the logistics of airports and paperwork but emotionally. seeing the country two of my children were born in. meeting our son. meeting his family. meeting Emma's family. Could I really do that alone?

I don't know what to do.

We keep going back and forth. One minute we think we've made a decision, but then we think, oh no, now I'm not so sure.

All along we had planned on making the trip together. That's how we've envisioned it. In an ideal scenario that's what we'd do. But as time gets closer, with every plane crash or security threat we read about, I just don't know. It seems too risky for both of us to go.

oh, adoption friends. what do we do? we need to buy our tickets, like yesterday! how have all of you made this decision? if you were traveling now, would your decision change?

are my fears totally irrational?

3 comments:

rebekah said...

NO your fears are not totally irrational. You are a parent, of the best kind by the way, with responsibilities to your children here and your child in Ethiopia. You cannot shut off your brain to 'go with the flow.'

That said, the risks of both of you traveling are very very minimal. Very. I an attest to the TREMENDOUS benefit of both of you traveling. You both need to go to see and feel and experience the country that is the base of two of your children. That is also being the best kind of parent.

You already know the base of your kids who were born here and you need the same for Emma and Will.

Everything back here will be ok.

Julie said...

Not irrational. When you find the answers please pass them on to me. :)
Seriously though, I think you should both go. Take separate flights if you are really worried. Meeting birth family is life changing. Hugs to you my friend. Deep breaths.

Courtney said...

hi!
i'm not sure how i found your blog...but i've been following for a little while!

we have 4 bio kids and are in the process of adopting 2 kids from Rwanda.

i totally understand all your worries! many of those same thoughts go through my head late at night.
i'm going to tell you the same things i tell myself...the God is not a God of fear. He will provide. and that doesn't just mean with STUFF or MONEY...but He will give you the wisdom and strength you need to prepare your home...to nurture your marriage...to care for each and every one of the children He's entrusted to you.

OH! and i can't tell you what you should do about traveling...but my husband and i are both going and taking our 3 oldest kids with us! we can't imagine passing up this opportunity to share in the country our kids were born in...and to be there together! pray. ask specifically for an answer. He'll make it clear.

blessings!!