Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Where are we?

Well, we are about a week shy of hitting the 14th month mark!

I haven't written much about the wait, because I fear it will come across like I'm complaining. I know, I know that there is another family on the other side of this. I know that while I sit here and wonder about names and rooms and strollers there is a family in turmoil. While my heart is filling with anticipation about seeing a photo of my child's face for the first time, I know that there is another mother who's heart is breaking having to say goodbye to that same little face.



You know, when you start the adoption process, someone should warn you that there will several times at which you feel like the biggest asshole in the world! And this, well this would be one of those times.



My head and my heart just hurt lately. I am so excited to have another child in our family. I can't wait to see the kids surround the newest little one with love. I am eager to see Emma's reaction about being a big sister! And of course I'm looking forward to holding, rocking, loving another little one too!

But the feelings of excitement seem to quickly fade into those of worry.

Jud and I were talking the other night, he is worried that I've seemed down and distant lately. And I know I have. But I don't know how not to be. I asked him if he thinks about where our child is right at this moment, what is happening in their world, are they scared are they sick are they being loved...? The things I think about constantly. But he doesn't. Well, he does but he said he stops himself because it's to hard to think about. Is that a difference between men/women? Sometimes I wish I could just stop myself from thinking what I'm thinking! I just don't know how to do that. I FEEL that I have another child. I just don't know who they are yet. I already feel some connection, which I know sounds crazy but I do, I feel connected to this child. No, I don't know if its a he or a she or if it's a baby or a toddler or really anything about them, but I know that I love him/her and I can't wait to have them home.

sigh.

So, where we are? I have no idea. Hopefully not to far from hearing something. anything. I should probably stop holding my breath though...

2 comments:

Shannon- said...

Ahhh. Mothers. We worry so. She's coming to you.

Kristin said...

Jess - I know how much it keeps me awake knowing I've misplaced a favorite tshirt, so I cannot even begin to relate to the complex emotions you have to deal with right now. Know that no matter where your child is at this very moment, they are so fortunate to be heading your way and that his/her mommy would be so grateful to know that there is a loving family waiting for them.

Thinking of all of you!