Thursday, January 13, 2011

Picking up the pieces.

Where to start?

It's been so long.

I guess I never really wrote about our Christmas. Partly for lack of time but mostly for lack of words. I seem to have very little of both lately.

Also, I'm not really sure who's reading and when I'm thinking of getting pretty personal, it's a little frightening to put it all out there. Don't worry, no nude photos or anything. I wouldn't do that to you!

I've just found that I'm better at working through thoughts and emotions by writing them. I often write things, I haven't even been able to talk to Jud about. Not by any fault of his. He's a talker. I'm the one that's not.

So this blog is my therapy I guess. I get things out, put them out there, and then I can talk about them. And I've got some things to get out.

Before I get started, if you're reading this because it was an adoption blog, I'm pretty sure we're done. And if you're someone I went to grade school with whom I haven't talked to in 25 years, who is only reading because it showed up on your Facebook page, once I can figure out how to un-network the blog I think I will. Don't get me wrong, you are all still welcome to read, in fact I hope most of you do. I guess I've just been feeling weird about having it on Facebook. To in your face for me...

So, on we go.

Christmas was very difficult. My sisters really wanted to have everyone at my Dad's house...if it weren't for the fact that the kids REALLY wanted to see their cousins, I think we would have stayed home.

I wasn't ready to be there. I didn't want to be there.

But, since we didn't go for Thanksgiving, we went.

In order to just make it through the day, I sort of shut down. All my emotions, feelings, everything. It took some real control, like crazy denial kind of control, so I started preparing for the shutdown about a week before Christmas. Yes, I realize it may seem childish but it's the only way I could be there. On that day. Without her.

I sort of blocked everything out. Made myself numb.

Christmas morning, watching the kids excitement as they came tearing down the stairs, I laughed. But inside, I wasn't really laughing.

As they ripped through the wrapping paper only to reveal their most favorite, top of the list, bestest gifts ever, they'd look up with a huge smile and yell "yes!" Excitedly I'd say, something like oh my gosh, that's just what you wanted with a big smile back at them. But behind the smile, nothing.

More of the same when we got to my dad's house. Didn't talk much. Smiled. Laughed. When my sisters asked if I wanted to go the mausoleum with them, I simply said, no.

Denial. Denial. Denial.

I hate how I let denial, grief, sadness whatever, take away that day to really BE with my kids. In hindsight, I regret burring my emotions hmm, I guess in general as how I handle things, not just recently over Christmas. It's taken a toll on me. My relationships. You can only push so much down, for so long before there's an eruption of some sort.

New Years was better because I didn't go anywhere or do anything.

Jud was gone to see the Rosebowl in CA so I was home with the kids.

I'll tell you, without these kids of mine, I don't know how I would have made it through this past year much less the holidays. On New Year's Eve Caroline went to a friends but called me on her new ipod touch to video chat so I wasn't all alone. That girl, I do love her so.

Being alone, or as alone as you can be with 5 kids, for a few days was actually kind of nice. It gave me lots of time to think about everything I've been avoiding thinking about. I spent hours looking at old photos. I cried for a good long time. I took the time to think and reflect on the past year. I thought about what I've learned about myself, as a friend, a wife, a mother, a sister and a daughter.

This Friday it will have been six months since she died.

It still hurts everyday.

I still feel broken.

But I'm starting to pick up the pieces.

Getting ready to put things back together.

Although, I don't think I'll ever be the same person I was before.

I've come to realize that losing your mother changes who you are.

I guess I'm still working on discovering just what has changed, maybe what still needs to change, and what needs to be mended.

I know that I need to let myself feel the hurt in order to start moving forward...but that's a very difficult thing to do.

But I'm getting there.


hotflawedmama said...

Hugs. Just lots and lots of hugs.

Deirdre said...

Sending lots of love and sympathy. I relate to many of the feelings you express, and I appreciate your sharing them. Thirteen years later, I'm still processing/learning from/being changed by the loss of my mother. I wish I had some words of wisdom, but I don't; just keep being open to the changes and try to let things out as much as you can.

Christina said...

I'm sorry, Jess. I have never experienced the kind of loss you have, and I cannot begin to imagine the time or strength it takes to fill such a huge void. All I can offer is my most fervent wishes for your peace, and an ear that is ready to listen, without expectation or judgment, any time that you need it.

Julie said...

Hugs Jess.

Karin McLean said...

Jess - You are not alone! We all miss mom so much! You have a great husband and family and friends that are here for you. Life has definitely changed forever. No words will ever take away the hurt. Remember all the great times and the values she has instilled in each of us. We are who we are because of mom! She was such a great person, the most giving person and she will be our angel forever! Love you.