Monday, November 22, 2010


I never imagined that this would be so hard. Not that I ever imagined my mom dying. But when she did, and my heart felt like it was broken into a million pieces, I thought eventually it would get better. I would grieve and then I would heal. I would find a place in my heart to hold all of my memories, and I would feel happy when those memories surfaced. But none of this seems to be happening.

I feel stuck.

I still feel sad. And angry.

I still cry everyday.

I've been trying to just keep pushing through. But I end up walking around in an emotional haze. I feel like most of the time, even when I'm smiling, I'm holding back tears.

I feel guilty when I'm happy. I wonder if that's normal.

This morning on the drive to school it was pouring rain. Suddenly the memory of driving in the rain that night in July to be by my mom's side was all I could think of. Now I can't stop thinking about it. That night. The nights leading up to it. It's paralyzing.

I remember a very wise friend who wrote about this

The K├╝bler-Ross grief cycle

I don't know, maybe this is all normal. But it doesn't make it suck any less.


hotflawedmama said...


M and M said...

Yes. It's normal. And it lasts for a long time. My mom died in 06 and I still cry - but not as often. I dream her, smell her, remember her. Every Christmas I take out a quilt that still smells like her and I stand in the living room and sob.

Normal. But continue to live. Your mom doesn't want you to pay the price of misery for such amazing love. (This helped me move forward in grief that didn't eliminate the potential for joy...I don't know if it will help you).

Missy said...

Somehow you do stop crying as often and start to feel like you can move on but there are still days where I break down and cry uncontrollably wishing I could still hear his voice. Some days I do start to feel guilty if I feel like I'm not thinking about him as often as I used to. I think it's hard to find comfort in a situation like this because even if people have gone through it, it is not the same. Every relationship is unique. Hope you can find comfort. <3 <3

Chatter said...

I'm so sorry to hear about the loss of your mom. I can't imagine the grief and loss you must be feeling. Hugs