I never imagined that this would be so hard. Not that I ever imagined my mom dying. But when she did, and my heart felt like it was broken into a million pieces, I thought eventually it would get better. I would grieve and then I would heal. I would find a place in my heart to hold all of my memories, and I would feel happy when those memories surfaced. But none of this seems to be happening.
I feel stuck.
I still feel sad. And angry.
I still cry everyday.
I've been trying to just keep pushing through. But I end up walking around in an emotional haze. I feel like most of the time, even when I'm smiling, I'm holding back tears.
I feel guilty when I'm happy. I wonder if that's normal.
This morning on the drive to school it was pouring rain. Suddenly the memory of driving in the rain that night in July to be by my mom's side was all I could think of. Now I can't stop thinking about it. That night. The nights leading up to it. It's paralyzing.
I remember a very wise friend who wrote about this
The Kübler-Ross grief cycle
I don't know, maybe this is all normal. But it doesn't make it suck any less.