Monday, May 17, 2010

One of these days

I realize it's been over a month since I actually posted something with words.

Believe me there's no shortage of funny kid material that I could write about, like how the kids apparently have a "free wedgie" system to keep one another from tattling, or maybe how excited Jack was to wear his "nut cup" for his first little league game.

I could go on and on about what a perfect baby Will is. He's absolutely amazing!
I already can't imagine our family without him. He's such a happy and silly little guy! He loves to have all the kids around doting on him! He smiles, giggles, laughs, and makes the cutest face when he scrunches up his nose...He's cruising around furniture and stands for a short time on his own! He's a dream.

I actually did start quite a few posts. Mostly about Will and how wonderful it feels to have a baby in the house again.

Now that I've seen first hand just how fast they go from being my cuddly little babies to big kids with minds of their own, I'm trying to really take in and enjoy all of the little sweet things that come with having a baby around. Like staring into those big brown eyes while I'm giving him a bottle. Listening to the endless squeals of joy that come from just saying "peek!" And most of all the sweaty sleeping head against my chest...that's my favorite.

I've tried to write several posts about family. From Will meeting all of our extended family, to tough conversations I've had recently with Emma about her Ethiopian family...

but I can't ever find the time to sit and finish them... and when I do have time, I'm so exhausted I can't seem to make sense of anything that's going through my head.

This is the adjustment period that I worried about. We've been here before, and I know we'll get through it. But it's exhausting.

It's survival mode. The one day at a time, sometimes one hour at a time, mode.

Right now, it feels a bit like five is the straw that broke the camel's back so to speak. Me being the camel I guess. Except I don't think camels get tired and I'm not sure they like bud light.

Ugh really, I'm not trying to complain. I think that's another reason I haven't been able to finish a post, I don't want to be a whiner. Oh, poor me, with my five healthy kids, great husband, nice house. My life is so hard.

I know what an amazing life I have.

It's just, this shit is really tough!

For me, the baby stuff isn't a problem. Getting peed on, puked on, food spat at, gross diapers, not a big deal. I can do just about any household chore one handed (holding the babe in the other). Make dinner, do dishes, change loads of laundry, even shower (a little tricky cuz those buggers are slippery)! Getting used to always having a stocked diaper bag on hand again took a bit, but I think I have it down now.

What's getting me, besides my disgusting house that I can't find time to clean is...

I'm spreading myself too thin with the other kids.

I don't get one on one time with any of them.

I'm short with them. patience is hard to find these days.

I constantly feel guilty that I'm not giving them enough. Doing enough for them or with them.

I feel like I'm constantly saying, "no not right now" or "you need to quiet down".

When I was tucking Sam into bed the other night, he told me he missed me. We had been home, together all afternoon, but he missed me.

That hurt.

It's been really hard to maintain the incredible connection I've always had with each of the kids. I've never felt like it was something I had to think about, or really work at, it was just there. But lately it feels off. Especially with Caroline. I feel like I'm always disappointing her. I've gotten more eye rolls
and sad sighs, in the past few weeks than I care to count.

I'm forgetting so many important details of our days. Seriously, if it wasn't for my wonderful friend Jodie, who keeps saving my arse, I think I'd be in the loony bin by now! Like the Monday morning at 7:20 when Jud was out of town and I happened to glance at the calender to see that Will had and appointment at Children's hospital, (across town) at 8:00 that I totally forgot about!!!

I've started a thousand posts about Jodie.

all she said, "Don't worry, just drop them off, I'll have breakfast ready and then I'll get them all to school." As I was pulling out of her driveway, she ran out to hand me a "to-go" cup of coffee...because she knows that I don't know how to use our coffee maker and Jud was gone.

I cried. all the way to the appointment.

I do that a lot. Not sad. Not happy. Just overwhelmed. Emotional.

I guess I have a lot of posts to work on! One of these days!


Christina said...


hotflawedmama said...

Honestly, I could've written this exact post today and I only have 3. (I'm not a camel either but I do so enjoy Bud light). :)

Keep reminding yourself that you're doing all that you can, it might not feel like enough but it is. You do have happy, healthy, loving babes and hubby, you're beating the game!

rebekah said...

I don't have any advice, and I know you don't need any - you are a rock star mom and even rock stars need to go to rehab occasionally.

I'm thankful for Jodie too for you.

I almost stopped by today but it was near the witching hour and I though, hmm... unleash my two crazies at this time of day? What kind of bitch am I?

I am always up for a little night out, if you get to the point where you need it.

Missy said...

Jess, you are an amazing mom! I don't know how you do it! Once I'm done student teaching I can definitely help. Maybe we could set up some days that you can take one of the babes on a Mom & Me day and I can hang out with everyone else?! Also, I have NO problem helping you clean!! I love cleaning. Let's talk soon! :)