a looooong weekend!

The kids were off of school Thursday and Friday... My wonderful pal Jodie had the great idea to take all the kids to a water park! Only catch was, the dads would have to join us later... Thursday night after work, and since Jud was in a Seminar all week he would have to meet us Friday morning.

I'll admit, at first the thought of taking all four kids to a water park/hotel for the night without Jud's help totally freaked me out.

But then I remembered, I have awesome kids!

And, we were going with Jodie and her awesome kids. Who my kids love and adore!!! So I figured we'd be safe...and one of Jodie's awesome friends and her 3 adorable daughters were in on this venture too, so we went for it!

Since the dads were joining us later we (moms and kids) carpooled on the way down to the water park just after lunch, which was another one of Jodie's brilliant ideas, because it made check in very easy...taking turns checking in and watching kids in minivans!

So let me break it down a little for you...

3 moms

10 kids. 10 very active, very excited kids.


Here we are trying to make our way to our rooms!




















It was a blast! I think it was just what we all needed after being cooped up so much over the past few weeks. All the kids got along swimmingly:) Not many pictures...it's a little hard to take pictures while trying to keep track of so many soaking wet kids- who knew?






















Funny quote from the trip...

Emma, in the car on the way down, "well, I don't care who started it!"

yup pretty much sums up all of our car rides!


Then yesterday, we went to Jodie's for their block party and trick or treating, it was a great day and the kids looked awesome in their costumes, although I forgot to bring my camera. Doh!

We've had their costumes for a few weeks, but for some reason on the morning of Halloween Jack decided he wanted to MAKE a different, more creative costume! So a few boxes, and a quick trip to the grocery store for 4 rolls of tin foil later he had a very cute and very original robot costume! I only wish he had this idea a few weeks ago before I bought the $40 Luke Skywalker costume! Oh well that's what we get for having creative kids I guess!

Where are we?

Well, we are about a week shy of hitting the 14th month mark!

I haven't written much about the wait, because I fear it will come across like I'm complaining. I know, I know that there is another family on the other side of this. I know that while I sit here and wonder about names and rooms and strollers there is a family in turmoil. While my heart is filling with anticipation about seeing a photo of my child's face for the first time, I know that there is another mother who's heart is breaking having to say goodbye to that same little face.



You know, when you start the adoption process, someone should warn you that there will several times at which you feel like the biggest asshole in the world! And this, well this would be one of those times.



My head and my heart just hurt lately. I am so excited to have another child in our family. I can't wait to see the kids surround the newest little one with love. I am eager to see Emma's reaction about being a big sister! And of course I'm looking forward to holding, rocking, loving another little one too!

But the feelings of excitement seem to quickly fade into those of worry.

Jud and I were talking the other night, he is worried that I've seemed down and distant lately. And I know I have. But I don't know how not to be. I asked him if he thinks about where our child is right at this moment, what is happening in their world, are they scared are they sick are they being loved...? The things I think about constantly. But he doesn't. Well, he does but he said he stops himself because it's to hard to think about. Is that a difference between men/women? Sometimes I wish I could just stop myself from thinking what I'm thinking! I just don't know how to do that. I FEEL that I have another child. I just don't know who they are yet. I already feel some connection, which I know sounds crazy but I do, I feel connected to this child. No, I don't know if its a he or a she or if it's a baby or a toddler or really anything about them, but I know that I love him/her and I can't wait to have them home.

sigh.

So, where we are? I have no idea. Hopefully not to far from hearing something. anything. I should probably stop holding my breath though...

need support.

First read this and this. Do you see how this is affecting families? Now read this letter by McLane Layton, president and founder of Equalitly for Adopted Children, and see how you can support these families. these children.





Open Letter to the Adoption Community
July 31, 2009

As an adoptive Mother, the President and Founder of Equality for Adopted Children, and a former senior legislative aide on Capitol Hill, I would like to address some questions that have been raised about the newly introduced Foreign Adopted Children Equality Act (FACE Act). These questions have caused some to suggest the bill should not be supported. This is unfortunate, because the FACE Act will bring significant improvement to the adoption process and will, if signed into law, provide equality for our internationally adopted children as well as save adoptive parent’s time, money and regulatory hurdles. I know because I was deeply involved with its predecessor.

The FACE Act was introduced to amend and improve upon the Child Citizenship Act of 2000 (CCA), a bill introduced by Senator Don Nickles and Senator Mary Landrieu. At the time the CCA was introduced and passed, I was Legislative Counsel to Senator Nickles and was responsible for shepherding the CCA through Congress. The bill was conceived after my husband and I adopted three siblings from Eastern Europe and I discovered that despite the fact that my husband and I were both American citizens, our citizenship did not transfer to our foreign adopted children as it would have if they had been born to us abroad. As a lawyer I found this disturbing because I knew that under adoption law, once a child is adopted, that child is entitled to all the same rights, duties and responsibilities as a biological child. The law says they are to be treated as if they were the “natural issue” of the adoptive parents. CCA was drafted to remove discrepancies between the treatment of children born abroad versus children adopted abroad to U.S. citizens. In short, to bring adoption practice into line with the law and in the process ease a number of procedural burdens unnecessarily borne by adoptive parents.

The CCA began the process of addressing a primary inequality: If an American gives birth to a child overseas the child is considered a citizen from birth and is given a U.S. passport and a Consular Report of Birth (which acts as the child’s birth certificate). The child is allowed to enter the United States as a citizen with documentary proof of citizenship. In other words, the child does not have to go through an immigration process. Not so for an adopted child who must obtain an immigrant visa, go through a very different (and more costly and cumbersome) process even though they are every bit as much the son or daughter of American citizens. Unfortunately, the United States is one of the few developed countries that still treat internationally adopted children of their citizens as immigrants and force adoptive families to go through an immigration process to bring their children home.

U.S. Court decisions have established adoption laws that recognize that adopted children are entitled to full equality of treatment as biological children. Yet despite the passage of CCA, not all inequalities have been addressed. The FACE Act would align U.S. adoption laws with U.S. statutes by recognizing all children of U.S. citizens as equal, whether biological or adopted. The FACE Act would rectify inequities both past and present. Regrettably, as I know is often the case with legislation, some have misunderstood the contents of the legislation.

Protecting Safeguards and Meaningful Procedures

Some allege that by removing adopted children from the immigration process the bill removes the safeguards that protect adopted children, their biological families and their adoptive families. This is a completely incorrect assertion. This bill absolutely upholds current requirements in regard to approval of parents to adopt a foreign born child, preserves current safeguards, and maintains current regulations related to intercountry adoption. Here’s how:

Upholding Requirements and Procedures.
The FACE Act continues to require that before citizenship attaches to an internationally adopted child, adoptive parents must be approved by the U.S. government as fit to adopt, just as under current law.
Adoptive parents will still need to meet the same requirements currently submitted for approval of an I-600A or I-800A including an approved home study, criminal clearances and all other documents that are now part of the approval process.
Preservation and Maintenance of Safeguards and Investigations.
The FACE Act continues to uphold and require all immigration safeguards currently in place to ensure that a child has been adopted legally without fraud or trafficking.
Conditions required to fulfill an I-600 or I-800 form will continue unchanged including an orphan investigation as mandated under current law.
The U.S. government will continue to affirmatively determine that a child has been adopted appropriately and that the child meets the adoption requirements of U.S. adoption law for international adoptions.
A welcome change in the FACE act would be the elimination of the paperwork, procedures and costs required to file for an immigration visa after an adoption has been completed and the child has been approved by the U.S. government as having complied with U.S. adoption law governing international adoption.
Put simply, American adoptive parents abroad would take their documentation of a legal and appropriate adoption and follow the same process as American biological parents who gave birth abroad. The entire process would be simplified and standardized for both sets of parents and most importantly, would apply equal treatment to the children as established in U.S. adoption law. Time and travel costs for adoptive parents would be reduced lowering further the barriers to international adoption.


The FACE Act makes no changes to current regulations related to intercountry adoption. Current adoption law language does not detail what must be done to approve a family to adopt or what paperwork must be filed to get an immigration visa. Rather, the details are found in the regulations implementing the law. This bill and subsequent regulations would do the same. The FACE Act merely sets the parameters of how the law would be implemented and the subsequent regulations would provide the specifics of how it would be implemented.

Establishing Equality for All and Respecting Heritage

Another unfortunate misunderstanding of the FACE Act arises from a section of the bill that amends Section 301 of the Immigration and Nationality Act (INA), which defines who is a U.S. citizen at birth. Currently, this section of law provides automatic U.S. citizenship to children born to U.S. citizens abroad, but not to those adopted abroad by U.S. citizens. The practical effect is that under the status of an immigrant instead of a citizen at birth, the adopted child could never be President of the United States even though a child born in the same foreign country at the same time to American citizens could. Amending this section of law to include our internationally adopted children as citizens from birth will finally correct one of the major remaining inequalities that our children suffer under federal law.

Some have erroneously concluded that this provision will strip adopted children of their birth country’s citizenship and erase their birth history. In actuality, the FACE Act will help support adoptees who seek to learn more of their original birth history and reconnect with their country of origin. The FACE Act includes provisions that state:

“It is the sense of Congress that the government of each foreign country from which children are adopted by citizens of the United States should provide documentation of the adopted children’s original birth history to the adoptive family in accordance with the laws of such country.”

“Nothing in this Act, or in any amendment made by this Act, may be construed to abrogate any citizenship rights provided to an adoptee by the adoptee’s country of origin, or nullify the facts of the adoptee’s birth history.”

Granting of citizenship from birth cannot eliminate the fact of where a child was born, or to whom that child was born, or deprive them of their original citizenship rights any more than what occurs now when U.S. citizenship is granted to them under the CCA.

To the extent a foreign country allows dual citizenship and the privileges that accompany that citizenship, that child will always have those privileges as a citizen of that country in the eyes of that country. No legislation passed by the U. S. Congress can change citizenship laws of other countries. If a country chooses to negate the citizenship rights of a child born in that country because they become a citizen of the United States, there is no law that the U.S. Congress can pass to rectify that decision.

Further, although Congress cannot pass laws ordering other countries to provide original birth documentation to adoptive families or to change their citizenship laws, these provisions mark significant steps towards establishing U.S. policy in these regards and would strongly encourage countries from which children are adopted by American citizens to provide such documentation and maintain such rights.

Protecting U.S. Citizenship and Preventing Family Separation

The FACE Act also improves the current citizenship process for international adoptees with a provision that rectifies the damage that is done when adoptive parents fail to take the necessary steps under past and current law to acquire U.S. citizenship for their child. Prior to the CCA, internationally adopted children had to go through a naturalization process to attain citizenship. Many parents wrongly assumed that their adopted child was a citizen because they themselves were citizens. Unfortunately, this was not the case and there are many adult adoptees who found out much later in life that they are not citizens.

Even after the CCA was passed, the problem remains due to the way the law is implemented. Currently, only adopted children who arrive on IR3 visas (where both parents, if married, saw the child during the adoption process) receive automatic U.S. citizenship upon entry into the United States. Adopted children who arrive on IR4 visas (where only one parent, if married, saw the child during the adoption process) must be readopted in their new home state (whether required by state law or not) before citizenship attaches. If the child is not readopted prior to his or her 18th birthday, they lose the right to automatic citizenship.

Over half the international adoptees enter this country on IR4 visas and risk losing their citizenship rights if their parents fail to readopt them. Many children do not find out they are not citizens until they apply for a passport or for college scholarships. A number of adoptees have been deported back to their country of origin due to minor crimes they have committed because their parents failed to take the necessary steps at the time to acquire citizenship status for their child. The FACE Act rectifies this for all future international adoptees by conferring citizenship upon completion of the adoption and the U.S. determination that the child was adopted according to law. Citizenship is conferred with no further action required of the adoptive parents. This is a significant improvement over current law and will eliminate the tragic stories of adoptees deported to their country of origin with no knowledge of their original language, no support structure and no ability to return to the United States.

For deported adoptees, The FACE Act allows these adoptees to file for and receive U.S. citizenship if U.S. citizens adopted them under the age of 18.

In summary, the changes made by the FACE Act are significant but easily implemented. The FACE Act would:

Remove internationally adopted children of American citizens from the immigration process saving time, money and, for many, travel costs;
Confer U.S. citizenship upon internationally adopted children immediately upon completion of all the necessary steps without requiring readoption within the U.S.;
Improve upon the current system by encouraging foreign countries to provide original birth documentation; and
Provide the added benefit of making our internationally adopted children eligible to run for President.

The sponsors of the FACE Act - Senator Mary Landrieu, Senator Jim Inhofe (S.1359) and Representative Diane Watson and Representative John Boozman (H.R. 3110) are great friends and supporters of the adoption community and have crafted a bill that will provide equality under the law for our internationally adopted children and allow them to benefit in all ways from full American citizenship.

In closing, I recommend that all read the relatively short FACE Act bill in its entirety. It can be found at: http://thomas.loc.gov/cgi-bin/query/z?c111:S.1359:/ In addition, I invite you to read a detailed section by section explanation of the bill as well as answers to Frequently Asked Questions that can be found at the following link: http://www.equalityforadoptedchildren.org/legislation/face.html. Once you do so, I believe, like me, you will find this bill worthy of your wholehearted support.

For the sake of our internationally adopted children,

McLane Layton
President, EACH

a post with words?

I feel like I'm turning into one of those bloggers, you know who you are, who have started to neglect their blogs. I've been trying to come up with a post that's got some meat to it. Something worth taking the time to write, and for you, worth the time to read. For many reasons though, it's really difficult lately. For one I simply don't have the time. Not just to write something, but to really think and process and make sense out of everything swirling around in my head. These days there are lots of thoughts, worries, fears, about the adoption. Followed by excitement and anticipation! It's definitely a wild ride. Which we've been on so long, we need to start updating our paperwork for because it's all starting to expire! Which is good, because I was starting to feel like we had nothing else to do!( sarcasm? yup, still got it!)

I've also been thinking a lot about family lately. Jud and I have been blessed with an incredibly supportive and loving family. But with the size of our extended families there is always room for some drama. Nothing huge, just enough to keep me worried, and to bring my blood to a boil every once in awhile!

Basically, when I'm not teetering between obsessing and avoiding become obsessive about the adoption, I'm doing the same with family stuff.

Luckily, I don't have much time to do either! The kids are keeping me very busy! We've been having a really fun summer.

We took a trip to MN to meet the new cousin Nora and love up the old cousin Spencer!





































The kids had a blast and it was great to see everyone, but yuck, I really don't like that drive!


This week work started on the house, finishing a playroom and putting in a patio door... two things that the builder agreed to throw in! yes, there definitely are perks to being married to the master of negotiation! But that means that the house is chaotic and covered in dust. So we've been hanging out at the pool a lot! I know, rough life. But believe me bringing 4 kids swimming is no easy task. It's quite a work out! Well, that's what I tell myself anyway, in the absence of any other type of workouts lately!

Caroline had a busy week this week. She FINALLY had a sleepover with her new BFF! Oh my gosh she was so excited! I think she's found a friend that she'll be friends with for years to come:) It's pretty sweet to watch! She's just so happy! Well, until yesterday morning when she was accidentally poked in the eye by one of the boys who were wrestling...never a dull moment. She wasn't able to open her eye all day. I ended up bringing her into the Dr's office to make sure it wasn't anything serious. There doesn't appear to be a scratch so that's good news. She has some ointment to put in a few times a day that seems to be helping, at least she was able to open her eye this morning. It's still really red and looks very sore. Poor kid! I think she got my luck rather than Jud's!

And Jud, he's been crazy busy too! He works his tail off and then comes home to my, "can you hang this?" "can you make that?"

Poor poor Jud. This week I bought a swing set. A pretty good sized one at that. It came in SEVERAL flat boxes! It took two nights just to organize the boxes of screws and bolts!!! But like my mom says, "that Jud works like a bull!"















Lest you think he did it all alone, he did have helpers!

What else is there to say?

A must watch video.

Is it really only Wednesday?

This has really been a crazy week! Aren't they all?

Caroline has camp this week, which she is loving, but it means getting everyone up and ready to drop her off at the bus.. by our old house.. across town.. every morning by 7:45!!!




















After the drop off we head home have some breakfast, and get the remaining three ready for swimming lessons..again..across town.

They are all doing really well. I am amazed at what little fish Sam and Emma are turning out to be!























And Jack...check out that form!


















This morning it is pouring rain. I feel bad for Caroline, I'm sure she'll be drenched! She assured me they'll still have fun even in the rain!

Because of the rain, there are no swim lessons, which means we finally have a quiet day at home! The kids are excited about having a whole day to play...I will be catching up on laundry and getting everyone packed up for our weekend trip to MN!!!

Jud is in LA for a couple days. I'm very jealous! Although a quiet day at home with three of the best kids around sounds pretty darn good too:)

Oh these kids crack me up! Check out the boys in their new pjs!

















Oooops! I guess I was a little off on their sizes! Luckily they didn't seem to mind!

The summer so far

Just so another Wordless Wednesday doesn't come before any actual words...

and just in case you thought that I've been keeping the kids cooped up all summer while I paint...

I thought I'd let you know what we've been up to...other than painting! (which is done once the kids are sleeping!)

We have really been loving the new neighborhood! We are much closer to some great friends...


















...and we've met lots of new friends too! The kindness of neighbors has been ridiculous! Some new, wonderful friends have really helped ease the stress of the move by having playdates with the kids! A huge relief!


The kids are definitely loving being able to ride their scooters to the park (and friends' houses) and going for bike rides. We've started going for evening walks again. Something we used to do everynight...years ago.

Really, it's been great.

We've found our new favorite picnic spot.



















and beach!























we loved it so much we had to go back with swim suits!


They had so much fun in the water...




















and the sand....


























until they discovered the tadpoles!
























and the frogs!




















Then of course there was the Jonas Brothers concert!


Caroline was totatly into it!
























Jack, not so much!


























um, yeah. he pretty much slept through it!














And, you can't have summer without a visit to Bay Beach with the most fabulous cousins around!





















Caroline's first ride on the SCAT!!!





















Crazy Sam on the swings! (seriously, this is one you MUST click on the picture to see the look on his little face!


























Yes, our days are busy!

Caroline and Jack are in Jr.golf! Which is seriously the cutest thing I've ever seen! And swim classes started this week, for all four of the kids!



So, we're settling in quite nicely! Boxes are getting put away. Rooms are getting painted. The kids are having fun! Mission accomplished!

Oh, and by the way, I heard through the grapevine that we now hold the #1 spot on the "unofficial waiting families list"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Right. So that means between all of this craziness, every second, I am alternating feeling nauseous, drifting into space and completely breaking into tears.


summer:)

progress

It's amazing what a few gallons of paint can do!























We're getting there...

On my mind

For the past year or so it has become quite apparent that Emma is really aware of the fact that she doesn't look like everyone else in our family.

It started with little comments when we were out doing errands like..."oh look mommy, that baby looks just like me!" or "mommy look, that lady has hair like mine!"

I thought it was sweet to watch her make those connections.

Then last fall there was a little melt down about gloves...she wanted a pair of yellow gloves so that her hands would look like Caroline's. She was so sad and crying and begged me to make her yellow. I don't remember all of details because it was months ago, and my mommy brain is on the fritz lately, but I do remember how it broke my heart. It was the first time that she had shown any sadness about not being the same color as Caroline or the rest of our family. I knew it was a big thing. I started to struggle with what to tell her. Do I start with the why she doesn't look like us? Do I start to talk about adoption? Do I focus on how we are the same on the inside? I struggled with trying to figure out how much a four year old could really take in and understand?

So instead I started to really emphasize how beautiful and special she was. Making a point to have her hair done in a way that she liked, or wearing the pretties she so loves! When I put her cream on after her bath I would tell her how soft and beautiful her skin was. Then she'd tell me "my brown skin. my brown skin is beautiful."

She started to seemingly feel proud. of her color. of her hair.

The more comfortable she began to be in her own skin, so to speak, her personality began to shine even more.

She definitely notices color, obviously. But she seems happy and content not to be blonde haired and blue eyed. She still thinks its fun to shout out "look mommy there's another Memmers! Do you see her? She looks just like me!"

So overall, the interracial side of things seems to be going well...I'm sure we'll have times were it will be a bigger deal than others but for now, everyone is happy.

On the adoption side though, I'm struggling.

From the very beginning, we have followed Emma's lead. Trying not to give her more information than she was ready to handle. Our first and foremost priority ever since Emma came into our lives was to make sure she felt a part of our family. period.

That together we were all one.

We whole heartedly wanted to keep a pride and love for Ethiopia, but we needed to establish a strong family bond first and foremost.

Now that we feel confident in that bond we've been talking and learning more about Ethiopia.

She knows that she was born in Ethiopia, she thinks it's pretty cool because she has friends that were "born in Ethiopia" too!

Until recently I really didn't think that she understood what that meant, "born in Ethiopia".

One day, Sam, Emma and I were shopping, I was in my usual daze of running my list of what we needed through my head, when I heard Sam saying something to Emma about when she was in my belly. Em cut him off, planted her feet on the ground, and said, "no Sam. I didn't come from mommy's belly." I was caught totally off guard. I had no idea that she had made that connection. I felt bad that our first real conversation about her birth story was about to take place in Target...but I knelt down and said "yes, Em your right." I asked her how she felt about that. We had been talking for a few minutes when I realized we were attracting quite a crowd so I told her we could talk more about it when we got home.

Of course when we got home she didn't really have much interest in talking about it.

And she didn't bring it up again.

Then a few weeks ago we heard Julie's great news. I was noticeably happy and giddy and the kids of course were wondering what was going on. I told them all about my friend Julie, and the news of her two beautiful children.

Emma was fascinated. It was like the flood gates opened and the questions just came pouring out! She wanted to know their names, what did they look like? Where does Julie live? Will she go bring them home soon and take care of them? Just like we got her when she was a baby and took care of her?

It's really hard to know just what to say to her.

The way that sounds, we got her and took care of her, it makes me feel guilty. It is far too simple. There is so much more to it than that.


Even though she made the connection about not being in my belly, she so far hasn't asked who's belly she did come from. Which I admit, I am relieved about. But I have a feeling that it won't be long before that question is asked, by a beautiful set of big brown eyes...


We absolutely want to be 100% open and honest about her birth story. But I don't want to give her more than she can handle emotionally. And I do not think that she is ready to hear about having another family. another mother. the sacrifice. the pain. the unfairness. It's too much to put on her. It's still too much for me sometimes...

I'm worried about how I will answer her questions. Many of which I will likely not have the answers to.

poor baby

I've always been surprised at what a tough little girl Emma is and just how strong her little body fights things off! No matter what little bug any of us pick up, Emma has rarely had as much as a runny nose!

Today she is finally sick. Down and out kind of sick!


















She woke up this morning with a really high fever and a swollen hand. We got her fever to come down a little but had no idea what was up with her hand...

I talked to our pediatrician and when I mentioned her hand he thought she should be seen right away. Of course it's Saturday and they don't have weekend hours, so that meant a trip to Children's hospital.

Emma has had a little sore on her hand for the past week, I think it started as a bug bite, but it has apparently become infected! They put her on antibiotics and said to keep a close eye on her, if the fever goes back up or the swelling get's any worse we'll have to bring her back so they can put in IV's to better treat the infection.

So for now, we wait.

And snuggle our poor little baby.