Thanksgiving

This was the first holiday since my mom died. I won't lie, it was a tough day. But the days leading up to it, I could feel it, I knew it was going to be difficult, so we decided to hunker down and stay close to home...

Jud did a lot of this




The kids and I did a bit of this



I cried when I saw these




and this




and this







My brother Frank surprised me and drove down to spend the day with us. I'm really glad he did! And the kids were too!
It was a bit bizarre for them to spend a holiday without heaps of family around! So poor Frank looked like this for most of his visit!

Wordless Wednesday

Oops! it's actually only Tuesday! Yeah it's been that sort of week!

Grief.

I never imagined that this would be so hard. Not that I ever imagined my mom dying. But when she did, and my heart felt like it was broken into a million pieces, I thought eventually it would get better. I would grieve and then I would heal. I would find a place in my heart to hold all of my memories, and I would feel happy when those memories surfaced. But none of this seems to be happening.

I feel stuck.

I still feel sad. And angry.

I still cry everyday.

I've been trying to just keep pushing through. But I end up walking around in an emotional haze. I feel like most of the time, even when I'm smiling, I'm holding back tears.

I feel guilty when I'm happy. I wonder if that's normal.

This morning on the drive to school it was pouring rain. Suddenly the memory of driving in the rain that night in July to be by my mom's side was all I could think of. Now I can't stop thinking about it. That night. The nights leading up to it. It's paralyzing.

I remember a very wise friend who wrote about this



The Kübler-Ross grief cycle

I don't know, maybe this is all normal. But it doesn't make it suck any less.

Wordless Wednesday

So they say it's my birthday...

It was overall a nice day.

Birthdays just aren't as much fun once you pass 30.

I spent the day thinking a lot about my mom. Thinking 33 years ago, she gave me life. She used to call bright and early and sing Happy Birthday... Something I probably rolled my eyes at, but today I really missed it. I missed her. The sound of her voice.

I watched my "life" video that my sister Kristin made me for my 30th birthday. I was reminded of how many lovely, wonderful people I have in my life.

Other than that the day was pretty much just another Monday. School, laundry, chase Will around all day, guitar lessons...I did refuse to go to the grocery store, because I hate the grocery store more than anything, and well, it's my birthday and I didn't want to go! So we ordered Subs and Jud brought home a chocolate cheesecake, my favorites!

The kids all made beautiful cards that made my heart smile...

I skyped for the first time with my sister...

And now I'm enjoying reading all my birthday wishes on Facebook while Jud is snuggled in next to me.

pretty good day.

Wordless Wednesday

Love

Emma is turning into quite the Daddy's girl lately. She went to the theatre with her class last week, Jud had taken the morning off so that one of us could go with her, while the other stayed home with the little munchkin. I was secretly hoping to go, but Emma really wanted Daddy to go. Sigh.


Look how sweet they look though.



Beauty.





Will just pointed to the screen and yelled, "DADDY"! Then with his little finger he pointed at Emma and with a big grin said, "mommy!" Yup, he finally says mommy only, it's what he calls Emma not me. Sigh. Oh well, we're working on it!

Just in case you need a smile too...