7 years

I just put Sam to bed. Well, actually like an hour ago but then I rocked Emma, searched the house for a lost bunny, walked Sam back to bed after a failed "drink of water" attempt and watched my big negotiators in a high stakes show down as their Monopoly game is nearing an end.

But now here I am. Thinking about 7 years ago.

7 years ago from this very night, I was sleepless, uncomfortable, had unbearable heartburn, charlie horses constantly in my calves, was fighting for rib space against this little kicker inside of me, felt like if the skin on my belly stretched anymore I could give birth through one of the stretchmarks, 40 weeks in and ready to be done embracing my last night of being with child.

I've heard of women who love being pregnant. Under different circumstances maybe this could have been me. My pregnancies were all high risk, and really no fun. This was my third, which meant I also had an almost 3 year old and a 1 1/2 year old trapped at home with me while I was on bed rest. By the end of this 40 weeks I was done. I not only had my doctor promise that he would induce me on my due date as not to go a single day past 40 weeks, but I also I made both he and Jud swear to never let this happen to me again... yup, one CRAZY pregnant lady!

So anyway, 7 years ago I was a mess. Not worried about the delivery or anything like that, I have a fabulous Doctor and had pretty easy (listen to me, easy? did I just say that?) deliveries in the past. I was worried because even though I had a plan for who was going to stay with Caroline and Jack from when we left for the hospital in the early morning until Jud came home sometime the next night. It was all falling apart.

The plan was for my sister to come down, but she was sick, like sick-sick. Since we don't have family close, situations like this always stress me out. Who do we call?

Up until now we were a two kid family, we didn't really use sitters yet!

My parents had left for Florida just a few days earlier (I've always thought for fear of the upcoming bris...but I can't be sure).

Well, thanks to a wonderful aunt and friend we managed to pull it off, but it did almost send me right over the edge...

Thinking about it now, I can remember clear as day. We were living in our cute blue house (like 4 houses ago). The nursery was yellow, with an incredible painting of our family including baby Sam, by Caroline, hanging above the adorable dresser that Jud stained (and I've since painted over...twice).

Life was good.

I didn't think it could get any better.

And then I saw this face!






I can't imagine our family without Sam.

I can't imagine me without Sam.

What can I tell you about Sam?

He's amazing. He's a character. He's smart. He's hilarious. He's sweet. He likes to snuggle. He's genuine. He's caring. He's funny. He's creative. He's an amazing artist. He loves to make people smile. He loves math. He loves to draw.

He is a gift!

And I am so thankful that 7 years ago he came into my life.













If you want to see some serious cuteness, this is from a few birthdays past...when I only had 4 kids and had time to do things like put together birthday video montages:) If you choose to watch, how many costumes do you see Sam in????

Make an on-line slide show at www.OneTrueMedia.com

Happy Birthday Sam! I love you!

He Talks!

Please ignore my screechy voice.

Brilliant?

Or worst purchase ever? We're still not sure.

Six Months.

It's been six months since my mom died.

I found this on my computer today, it's what I read at her memorial service...it doesn't feel like six months ago already.



There's a saying that,

"life is more accurately measured by the lives you touch than the things you acquire"

I'm certain that anyone who knew her would agree, these words could have been written about our Mom's life.

In fact, as all eight of us kids have been talking over the past few days, one thing we all remember her saying repeatedly over the years is, "I don't need the lottery, I'm rich in kids...and I'm rich in Love."

Our mom was the most sincere and loving person that I've ever known.

Growing up I never once heard her talk about clothes or things.

I have no idea what her dream car would be or what designer she liked.

Because those things were seemingly unimportant to her.

Material things were irrelevant.

We were her life.

And she gave us everything she had.

She always, always put us first.

Before her needs or wants.

Before herself.


Since becoming a mother myself, I marvel even more at our mom, and all that she has accomplished.

I mean, working full time, raising eight relatively good kids, coaching our sports teams, and all that laundry!

I still just don't know how that's possible.

And what really blows my mind is that as soon as she walked in the door, after what I'm certain was a long day at work given her devotion to her job...she would start dinner.

Immediately.

For us.

And we're not talking frozen pizza or mac and cheese, like I may feed my kids. I mean serious meat and potato type meals.

Every night.

Well, except for bowling league night!

Which meant tuna fruit cocktail !!!!

This would account for why, til this day I still can't stomach even the smell of tuna!



Our mom spent her life caring for others.

She would often go out of her way to reach those who were in need...whether that meant people from work, or friends, or any of us kids. Or maybe even an underage grandchild who found themselves in a bit of a bind...!

We all knew she was there for us, whatever the reason or circumstance.

She loved us all.

Truly.

Completely.

Unconditionally.

She reveled in all of her children's accomplishments.

But she also hurt along with us in all of our sorrows.


It was always obvious that she felt sheer joy and delight in spending time with us.

Every time we'd leave her house we'd hear, "why are you leaving so soon?" and "when are you coming back?"

I'm sure that part of wanting all of us kids around, was actually more about wanting her grandchildren around!

Her grandchildren were bringing new joy to her life.

A joy that illuminated her face every time one of them showed up at the cottage.

With 23 grandchildren, let's just say she was invited to more than her fair share of grandparent's days at school, spring concerts, parts in school plays and oh the sporting events!

But every time she was invited.

She was there.

Happily.

With a proud smile on her face.

She loved you all. Please don't ever forget that.

As Albert Einstein said, "Our death is not an end, if we can live on in our children and the younger generation. For they are us. Our bodies are only wilted leaves on the tree of life."

So let us put our own sadness aside, and let today be a joyous celebration of her life...

I loved her with all my heart, and will truly miss her.

Goodnight Mom.

God Bless I Love You

Picking up the pieces.

Where to start?

It's been so long.

I guess I never really wrote about our Christmas. Partly for lack of time but mostly for lack of words. I seem to have very little of both lately.

Also, I'm not really sure who's reading and when I'm thinking of getting pretty personal, it's a little frightening to put it all out there. Don't worry, no nude photos or anything. I wouldn't do that to you!

I've just found that I'm better at working through thoughts and emotions by writing them. I often write things, I haven't even been able to talk to Jud about. Not by any fault of his. He's a talker. I'm the one that's not.

So this blog is my therapy I guess. I get things out, put them out there, and then I can talk about them. And I've got some things to get out.

Before I get started, if you're reading this because it was an adoption blog, I'm pretty sure we're done. And if you're someone I went to grade school with whom I haven't talked to in 25 years, who is only reading because it showed up on your Facebook page, once I can figure out how to un-network the blog I think I will. Don't get me wrong, you are all still welcome to read, in fact I hope most of you do. I guess I've just been feeling weird about having it on Facebook. To in your face for me...

So, on we go.

Christmas was very difficult. My sisters really wanted to have everyone at my Dad's house...if it weren't for the fact that the kids REALLY wanted to see their cousins, I think we would have stayed home.

I wasn't ready to be there. I didn't want to be there.

But, since we didn't go for Thanksgiving, we went.

In order to just make it through the day, I sort of shut down. All my emotions, feelings, everything. It took some real control, like crazy denial kind of control, so I started preparing for the shutdown about a week before Christmas. Yes, I realize it may seem childish but it's the only way I could be there. On that day. Without her.

I sort of blocked everything out. Made myself numb.

Christmas morning, watching the kids excitement as they came tearing down the stairs, I laughed. But inside, I wasn't really laughing.

As they ripped through the wrapping paper only to reveal their most favorite, top of the list, bestest gifts ever, they'd look up with a huge smile and yell "yes!" Excitedly I'd say, something like oh my gosh, that's just what you wanted with a big smile back at them. But behind the smile, nothing.


More of the same when we got to my dad's house. Didn't talk much. Smiled. Laughed. When my sisters asked if I wanted to go the mausoleum with them, I simply said, no.


Denial. Denial. Denial.

I hate how I let denial, grief, sadness whatever, take away that day to really BE with my kids. In hindsight, I regret burring my emotions hmm, I guess in general as how I handle things, not just recently over Christmas. It's taken a toll on me. My relationships. You can only push so much down, for so long before there's an eruption of some sort.



New Years was better because I didn't go anywhere or do anything.

Jud was gone to see the Rosebowl in CA so I was home with the kids.

I'll tell you, without these kids of mine, I don't know how I would have made it through this past year much less the holidays. On New Year's Eve Caroline went to a friends but called me on her new ipod touch to video chat so I wasn't all alone. That girl, I do love her so.

Being alone, or as alone as you can be with 5 kids, for a few days was actually kind of nice. It gave me lots of time to think about everything I've been avoiding thinking about. I spent hours looking at old photos. I cried for a good long time. I took the time to think and reflect on the past year. I thought about what I've learned about myself, as a friend, a wife, a mother, a sister and a daughter.



This Friday it will have been six months since she died.

It still hurts everyday.

I still feel broken.

But I'm starting to pick up the pieces.

Getting ready to put things back together.

Although, I don't think I'll ever be the same person I was before.

I've come to realize that losing your mother changes who you are.

I guess I'm still working on discovering just what has changed, maybe what still needs to change, and what needs to be mended.

I know that I need to let myself feel the hurt in order to start moving forward...but that's a very difficult thing to do.

But I'm getting there.

Wordless Wednesday

This is a big deal folks!

The little boy who NEVER stops moving, has actually started PLAYING with toys!!!!!

Oh please let this mean that daily showers are once again in my future...

T'was the night before Christmas...

Not a creature was stirring....

Little Will, Rock'n the Locs

Sorry Bubbie, I keep trying to get pictures for you, but this boy doesn't. stop. moving.

Here's the best I can do...

Wordless Wednesday

We're beginning to look a lot like a circus!

They Wait

Anyone who has adopted, has thought of adopting or knows someone who has adopted, knows that adoption is not for the faint at heart. It is a roller coaster ride like no other with emotional highs and stomach turning lows...followed by lots of tears and second guessing. If you're one of the lucky ones this ride will only last a year or two, and even though it has drained every bit of savings you once had, you won't have to get a second mortgage on your house.

Don't get me wrong, I am so thankful, grateful, honored to have gone through this process. Besides the fact that I have two amazing and beautiful little people in my life because of adoption, I also know that I am a different, stronger, more involved person than I once was. I think about things more deeply. I hurt about things I never even thought about before. I want to be a part of change. I want to speak up when things are not right.

And that brings me to the point of this post.
.
My good friend Carrie and her husband are one of 56 American Families facing heartbreak due to U.S. policy in Nepal. These families are struggling to bring home their legally adopted children who are stuck in Nepal awaiting visas that will allow them to enter the U.S. Some families are stranded in Kathmandu -- many since August, 2010. Other parents wait anxiously in the U.S. while their adopted children remain in orphanages, knowing that every day spent in an orphanage is a developmental disaster.

click hereto read about these children waiting to come home to their families.

I simply can't imagine.

Please help these families read and sign this petition

More voices=More noise=change

Not long ago the Us was denying visas to children from Ethiopia who were HIV+ But voices multiplied and the message was finally heard. Change happened because of those voices. Please stand up for these families. For these children.

Wordless Wednesday

Wordless Wednesday

Thanksgiving

This was the first holiday since my mom died. I won't lie, it was a tough day. But the days leading up to it, I could feel it, I knew it was going to be difficult, so we decided to hunker down and stay close to home...

Jud did a lot of this




The kids and I did a bit of this



I cried when I saw these




and this




and this







My brother Frank surprised me and drove down to spend the day with us. I'm really glad he did! And the kids were too!
It was a bit bizarre for them to spend a holiday without heaps of family around! So poor Frank looked like this for most of his visit!

Wordless Wednesday

Oops! it's actually only Tuesday! Yeah it's been that sort of week!

Grief.

I never imagined that this would be so hard. Not that I ever imagined my mom dying. But when she did, and my heart felt like it was broken into a million pieces, I thought eventually it would get better. I would grieve and then I would heal. I would find a place in my heart to hold all of my memories, and I would feel happy when those memories surfaced. But none of this seems to be happening.

I feel stuck.

I still feel sad. And angry.

I still cry everyday.

I've been trying to just keep pushing through. But I end up walking around in an emotional haze. I feel like most of the time, even when I'm smiling, I'm holding back tears.

I feel guilty when I'm happy. I wonder if that's normal.

This morning on the drive to school it was pouring rain. Suddenly the memory of driving in the rain that night in July to be by my mom's side was all I could think of. Now I can't stop thinking about it. That night. The nights leading up to it. It's paralyzing.

I remember a very wise friend who wrote about this



The Kübler-Ross grief cycle

I don't know, maybe this is all normal. But it doesn't make it suck any less.

Wordless Wednesday

So they say it's my birthday...

It was overall a nice day.

Birthdays just aren't as much fun once you pass 30.

I spent the day thinking a lot about my mom. Thinking 33 years ago, she gave me life. She used to call bright and early and sing Happy Birthday... Something I probably rolled my eyes at, but today I really missed it. I missed her. The sound of her voice.

I watched my "life" video that my sister Kristin made me for my 30th birthday. I was reminded of how many lovely, wonderful people I have in my life.

Other than that the day was pretty much just another Monday. School, laundry, chase Will around all day, guitar lessons...I did refuse to go to the grocery store, because I hate the grocery store more than anything, and well, it's my birthday and I didn't want to go! So we ordered Subs and Jud brought home a chocolate cheesecake, my favorites!

The kids all made beautiful cards that made my heart smile...

I skyped for the first time with my sister...

And now I'm enjoying reading all my birthday wishes on Facebook while Jud is snuggled in next to me.

pretty good day.

Wordless Wednesday