Well, we are about a week shy of hitting the 14th month mark!
I haven't written much about the wait, because I fear it will come across like I'm complaining. I know, I know that there is another family on the other side of this. I know that while I sit here and wonder about names and rooms and strollers there is a family in turmoil. While my heart is filling with anticipation about seeing a photo of my child's face for the first time, I know that there is another mother who's heart is breaking having to say goodbye to that same little face.
You know, when you start the adoption process, someone should warn you that there will several times at which you feel like the biggest asshole in the world! And this, well this would be one of those times.
My head and my heart just hurt lately. I am so excited to have another child in our family. I can't wait to see the kids surround the newest little one with love. I am eager to see Emma's reaction about being a big sister! And of course I'm looking forward to holding, rocking, loving another little one too!
But the feelings of excitement seem to quickly fade into those of worry.
Jud and I were talking the other night, he is worried that I've seemed down and distant lately. And I know I have. But I don't know how not to be. I asked him if he thinks about where our child is right at this moment, what is happening in their world, are they scared are they sick are they being loved...? The things I think about constantly. But he doesn't. Well, he does but he said he stops himself because it's to hard to think about. Is that a difference between men/women? Sometimes I wish I could just stop myself from thinking what I'm thinking! I just don't know how to do that. I FEEL that I have another child. I just don't know who they are yet. I already feel some connection, which I know sounds crazy but I do, I feel connected to this child. No, I don't know if its a he or a she or if it's a baby or a toddler or really anything about them, but I know that I love him/her and I can't wait to have them home.
sigh.
So, where we are? I have no idea. Hopefully not to far from hearing something. anything. I should probably stop holding my breath though...
Showing posts with label adoption. Show all posts
Showing posts with label adoption. Show all posts
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
Sunday, July 19, 2009
keep on keeping on
This weekend Jud has been out of town on his annual golf weekend, with his old college buddy. I'll admit, when I realized it was THIS weekend, I was pretty freaked out! We have so much to do. SO SO MUCH TO DO! But besides all of the things on my "to do" lists, I feel like my head is just a crazy mess right now, I was a little worried about holding it all together, keeping the fort down, for the four days while he was gone. But I've surprised myself, and actually pulled through the weekend ok.
It definitely helped that I had two fabulous sitters come over on Thursday night to play with the kids while I went to dinner with some great friends! Have I mentioned how I love living so much closer to this gal ? It was really a great night. A much need night. There's definitely something to be said for the power of strong women. All through dinner, through our conversations, I just kept thinking how lucky I am to have such amazing women in my life. All three of them are strong, beautiful, intelligent career women but they are also, mothers, sisters, friends. After spending time with them, I felt recharged in a way. NO, not in the free from exhaustion sort of way, but the I can do this, sort of way.
strong women.
sigh.
The kids and I went to Green Bay for a quick visit with my parents on Friday, and we brought my adorable niece Caitlin home with us. The kids have just been playing and playing...it's been a really great weekend just hanging out, chugging through my many lists, cuddling and watching movies.
So maybe we stayed in jammies well into the day, and I didn't brush my teeth until 1 in the afternoon...I did manage to make my own coffee each morning! I don't know why that's a big deal, but it is. Of course it's not as good as Jud's, but it's something.
It definitely helped that I had two fabulous sitters come over on Thursday night to play with the kids while I went to dinner with some great friends! Have I mentioned how I love living so much closer to this gal ? It was really a great night. A much need night. There's definitely something to be said for the power of strong women. All through dinner, through our conversations, I just kept thinking how lucky I am to have such amazing women in my life. All three of them are strong, beautiful, intelligent career women but they are also, mothers, sisters, friends. After spending time with them, I felt recharged in a way. NO, not in the free from exhaustion sort of way, but the I can do this, sort of way.
strong women.
sigh.
The kids and I went to Green Bay for a quick visit with my parents on Friday, and we brought my adorable niece Caitlin home with us. The kids have just been playing and playing...it's been a really great weekend just hanging out, chugging through my many lists, cuddling and watching movies.
So maybe we stayed in jammies well into the day, and I didn't brush my teeth until 1 in the afternoon...I did manage to make my own coffee each morning! I don't know why that's a big deal, but it is. Of course it's not as good as Jud's, but it's something.
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
On my mind
For the past year or so it has become quite apparent that Emma is really aware of the fact that she doesn't look like everyone else in our family.
It started with little comments when we were out doing errands like..."oh look mommy, that baby looks just like me!" or "mommy look, that lady has hair like mine!"
I thought it was sweet to watch her make those connections.
Then last fall there was a little melt down about gloves...she wanted a pair of yellow gloves so that her hands would look like Caroline's. She was so sad and crying and begged me to make her yellow. I don't remember all of details because it was months ago, and my mommy brain is on the fritz lately, but I do remember how it broke my heart. It was the first time that she had shown any sadness about not being the same color as Caroline or the rest of our family. I knew it was a big thing. I started to struggle with what to tell her. Do I start with the why she doesn't look like us? Do I start to talk about adoption? Do I focus on how we are the same on the inside? I struggled with trying to figure out how much a four year old could really take in and understand?
So instead I started to really emphasize how beautiful and special she was. Making a point to have her hair done in a way that she liked, or wearing the pretties she so loves! When I put her cream on after her bath I would tell her how soft and beautiful her skin was. Then she'd tell me "my brown skin. my brown skin is beautiful."
She started to seemingly feel proud. of her color. of her hair.
The more comfortable she began to be in her own skin, so to speak, her personality began to shine even more.
She definitely notices color, obviously. But she seems happy and content not to be blonde haired and blue eyed. She still thinks its fun to shout out "look mommy there's another Memmers! Do you see her? She looks just like me!"
So overall, the interracial side of things seems to be going well...I'm sure we'll have times were it will be a bigger deal than others but for now, everyone is happy.
On the adoption side though, I'm struggling.
From the very beginning, we have followed Emma's lead. Trying not to give her more information than she was ready to handle. Our first and foremost priority ever since Emma came into our lives was to make sure she felt a part of our family. period.
That together we were all one.
We whole heartedly wanted to keep a pride and love for Ethiopia, but we needed to establish a strong family bond first and foremost.
Now that we feel confident in that bond we've been talking and learning more about Ethiopia.
She knows that she was born in Ethiopia, she thinks it's pretty cool because she has friends that were "born in Ethiopia" too!
Until recently I really didn't think that she understood what that meant, "born in Ethiopia".
One day, Sam, Emma and I were shopping, I was in my usual daze of running my list of what we needed through my head, when I heard Sam saying something to Emma about when she was in my belly. Em cut him off, planted her feet on the ground, and said, "no Sam. I didn't come from mommy's belly." I was caught totally off guard. I had no idea that she had made that connection. I felt bad that our first real conversation about her birth story was about to take place in Target...but I knelt down and said "yes, Em your right." I asked her how she felt about that. We had been talking for a few minutes when I realized we were attracting quite a crowd so I told her we could talk more about it when we got home.
Of course when we got home she didn't really have much interest in talking about it.
And she didn't bring it up again.
Then a few weeks ago we heard Julie's great news. I was noticeably happy and giddy and the kids of course were wondering what was going on. I told them all about my friend Julie, and the news of her two beautiful children.
Emma was fascinated. It was like the flood gates opened and the questions just came pouring out! She wanted to know their names, what did they look like? Where does Julie live? Will she go bring them home soon and take care of them? Just like we got her when she was a baby and took care of her?
It's really hard to know just what to say to her.
The way that sounds, we got her and took care of her, it makes me feel guilty. It is far too simple. There is so much more to it than that.
Even though she made the connection about not being in my belly, she so far hasn't asked who's belly she did come from. Which I admit, I am relieved about. But I have a feeling that it won't be long before that question is asked, by a beautiful set of big brown eyes...
We absolutely want to be 100% open and honest about her birth story. But I don't want to give her more than she can handle emotionally. And I do not think that she is ready to hear about having another family. another mother. the sacrifice. the pain. the unfairness. It's too much to put on her. It's still too much for me sometimes...
I'm worried about how I will answer her questions. Many of which I will likely not have the answers to.
It started with little comments when we were out doing errands like..."oh look mommy, that baby looks just like me!" or "mommy look, that lady has hair like mine!"
I thought it was sweet to watch her make those connections.
Then last fall there was a little melt down about gloves...she wanted a pair of yellow gloves so that her hands would look like Caroline's. She was so sad and crying and begged me to make her yellow. I don't remember all of details because it was months ago, and my mommy brain is on the fritz lately, but I do remember how it broke my heart. It was the first time that she had shown any sadness about not being the same color as Caroline or the rest of our family. I knew it was a big thing. I started to struggle with what to tell her. Do I start with the why she doesn't look like us? Do I start to talk about adoption? Do I focus on how we are the same on the inside? I struggled with trying to figure out how much a four year old could really take in and understand?
So instead I started to really emphasize how beautiful and special she was. Making a point to have her hair done in a way that she liked, or wearing the pretties she so loves! When I put her cream on after her bath I would tell her how soft and beautiful her skin was. Then she'd tell me "my brown skin. my brown skin is beautiful."
She started to seemingly feel proud. of her color. of her hair.
The more comfortable she began to be in her own skin, so to speak, her personality began to shine even more.
She definitely notices color, obviously. But she seems happy and content not to be blonde haired and blue eyed. She still thinks its fun to shout out "look mommy there's another Memmers! Do you see her? She looks just like me!"
So overall, the interracial side of things seems to be going well...I'm sure we'll have times were it will be a bigger deal than others but for now, everyone is happy.
On the adoption side though, I'm struggling.
From the very beginning, we have followed Emma's lead. Trying not to give her more information than she was ready to handle. Our first and foremost priority ever since Emma came into our lives was to make sure she felt a part of our family. period.
That together we were all one.
We whole heartedly wanted to keep a pride and love for Ethiopia, but we needed to establish a strong family bond first and foremost.
Now that we feel confident in that bond we've been talking and learning more about Ethiopia.
She knows that she was born in Ethiopia, she thinks it's pretty cool because she has friends that were "born in Ethiopia" too!
Until recently I really didn't think that she understood what that meant, "born in Ethiopia".
One day, Sam, Emma and I were shopping, I was in my usual daze of running my list of what we needed through my head, when I heard Sam saying something to Emma about when she was in my belly. Em cut him off, planted her feet on the ground, and said, "no Sam. I didn't come from mommy's belly." I was caught totally off guard. I had no idea that she had made that connection. I felt bad that our first real conversation about her birth story was about to take place in Target...but I knelt down and said "yes, Em your right." I asked her how she felt about that. We had been talking for a few minutes when I realized we were attracting quite a crowd so I told her we could talk more about it when we got home.
Of course when we got home she didn't really have much interest in talking about it.
And she didn't bring it up again.
Then a few weeks ago we heard Julie's great news. I was noticeably happy and giddy and the kids of course were wondering what was going on. I told them all about my friend Julie, and the news of her two beautiful children.
Emma was fascinated. It was like the flood gates opened and the questions just came pouring out! She wanted to know their names, what did they look like? Where does Julie live? Will she go bring them home soon and take care of them? Just like we got her when she was a baby and took care of her?
It's really hard to know just what to say to her.
The way that sounds, we got her and took care of her, it makes me feel guilty. It is far too simple. There is so much more to it than that.
Even though she made the connection about not being in my belly, she so far hasn't asked who's belly she did come from. Which I admit, I am relieved about. But I have a feeling that it won't be long before that question is asked, by a beautiful set of big brown eyes...
We absolutely want to be 100% open and honest about her birth story. But I don't want to give her more than she can handle emotionally. And I do not think that she is ready to hear about having another family. another mother. the sacrifice. the pain. the unfairness. It's too much to put on her. It's still too much for me sometimes...
I'm worried about how I will answer her questions. Many of which I will likely not have the answers to.
Monday, January 12, 2009
Adoption
Adoption is really a complicated thing.
Looking back to when we first started the process to adopt in 2005 I think that Jud and I were very naive to the whole process. We thought very simply about a very complicated situation.
We knew we wanted to have more children, and we knew there were millions of children in the world who needed families. It seemed simple.
But nothing on this journey has been simple...
I'll admit we probably didn't read as many books about the great history of Ethiopia as we should have, or books about things like trans racial adoption or even attachment in adoption. Every book I started was quickly set down. I kept thinking what's the big deal? So she won't look like us, and she didn't grow inside of me, who cares? Why does it matter? This is my child. I will love her just as I love all of my children.
But now I am realizing that there was so much that I was missing.
So much that I hadn't prepared for, or even thought of...
I never could have imagined how much this whole journey of adoption would completely change me, my life, my family, and how I think of the world.
But it has.
OK I've been working on this post for almost two weeks...and I can never figure out just what I'm trying to say. Or how to say it. Then this morning I read THIS and well, Julie hit it right on the head! I think we must be neighbors in Crazy Town!! You have to read it! It's exactly right.
Looking back to when we first started the process to adopt in 2005 I think that Jud and I were very naive to the whole process. We thought very simply about a very complicated situation.
We knew we wanted to have more children, and we knew there were millions of children in the world who needed families. It seemed simple.
But nothing on this journey has been simple...
I'll admit we probably didn't read as many books about the great history of Ethiopia as we should have, or books about things like trans racial adoption or even attachment in adoption. Every book I started was quickly set down. I kept thinking what's the big deal? So she won't look like us, and she didn't grow inside of me, who cares? Why does it matter? This is my child. I will love her just as I love all of my children.
But now I am realizing that there was so much that I was missing.
So much that I hadn't prepared for, or even thought of...
I never could have imagined how much this whole journey of adoption would completely change me, my life, my family, and how I think of the world.
But it has.
OK I've been working on this post for almost two weeks...and I can never figure out just what I'm trying to say. Or how to say it. Then this morning I read THIS and well, Julie hit it right on the head! I think we must be neighbors in Crazy Town!! You have to read it! It's exactly right.
Saturday, December 27, 2008
Breathe.
*edit* thanks, I meant breathe not breath!
There's a lot I've been thinking about. Things that I'm sure have contributed to my funky mood lately. But I just don't really have the words yet. So much running through my head, it's hard to wrap my brain around what I'm trying to say...
So for now, I'm just going to breathe.
And focus on the amazing week we've had at our house.
Two holidays in one week, that's a lot to cram in! Lot's of wrapping, unwrapping, and opening those darn toy boxes! That gets harder every year! This year we actually needed a screwdriver to get one toy out of the box! That's insane!
We tried something new for Hanukah this year, each night the kids got one group present...a board game, or something that we can all play with together. The kids actually really liked this idea, they've been playing so well together all week!
We tried to tone down Christmas a bit this year too. It was still fun, and the kids got things from their lists, but we tried to focus on the giving rather than the getting. And for little kids, they've come up with some pretty amazing ways to give to others.
The loot!
The boys are totally into star wars this year, so most of their gifts were somehow related to it.
Caroline got a hamster! Which she was completely over the moon in love with, until it bit her! Now she's working up the courage to hold it again!
Emma's pretty easy to please, a new leapster and a few little puppy things and she's set!
Emma and her new leapster!
Sam playing with all of his "guys"!
Caroline and Lulu!
Emma and Jud
Sam and Jack playing wii, sporting their new AHOPE shirts from Aunt Katie (how much do I love her!)
There's a lot I've been thinking about. Things that I'm sure have contributed to my funky mood lately. But I just don't really have the words yet. So much running through my head, it's hard to wrap my brain around what I'm trying to say...
So for now, I'm just going to breathe.
And focus on the amazing week we've had at our house.
Two holidays in one week, that's a lot to cram in! Lot's of wrapping, unwrapping, and opening those darn toy boxes! That gets harder every year! This year we actually needed a screwdriver to get one toy out of the box! That's insane!
We tried something new for Hanukah this year, each night the kids got one group present...a board game, or something that we can all play with together. The kids actually really liked this idea, they've been playing so well together all week!
We tried to tone down Christmas a bit this year too. It was still fun, and the kids got things from their lists, but we tried to focus on the giving rather than the getting. And for little kids, they've come up with some pretty amazing ways to give to others.
The loot!
The boys are totally into star wars this year, so most of their gifts were somehow related to it.
Caroline got a hamster! Which she was completely over the moon in love with, until it bit her! Now she's working up the courage to hold it again!
Emma's pretty easy to please, a new leapster and a few little puppy things and she's set!
Emma and her new leapster!
Sam playing with all of his "guys"!
Caroline and Lulu!
Emma and Jud
Sam and Jack playing wii, sporting their new AHOPE shirts from Aunt Katie (how much do I love her!)
Thursday, December 18, 2008
In a funk.
I'm not quite sure what my problem is, but I'm totally in a funk this week!
My normal go go go energy, seems to be on vacation!
Things that usually drive me insane, like dirty dishes, piles of laundry gathering on the floor and sticky gross floors...this week, well I just don't have the energy to care!
This waiting stuff (on the adoption front) is really getting to me.
In my efforts to avoid the adoption forum (that I normally check daily) and with the advice from my wise 16 year old sister in law, I have joined Facebook...yet another addiction to tend to! (Thanks Mim!) I have since been slacking so much around the house that I fear Jud may take away my computer!!!
Maybe that's why I feel blue????
Even though I've been in a funky mood, It's been a busy and fun week for the kids! Emma and I had a play date with Sarah and her gorgeous kids this week! Emma and Thad were so cute together, and I seriously thought about stealing Hannah!
Sarah and I met years ago, when the forum was just beginning...we were both waiting for referrals. And we've emailed for the past three years but never met...It was so great to finally meet Sarah and have another mom who knows just what I'm feeling and to be able to talk about all of the crazy emotions that go along with this whole process...
Another bright spot, (for those of you who just hang out for pictures) Emma had her Holiday concert today.
She was so darn cute!
But even amidst the cuteness of Emma performing in her concert, I felt the mommy guilt! As she was up on stage singing, O little town of Bethlehem, Away in a manger, and Go tell it on the mountain...I felt so guilty, this preschool was not supposed to be affiliated with any religion..something I talked to the director about...but here Emma is rocking her arms with baby Jesus...(I know, if my Dad read this blog he'd be thrilled!) But-Hello, we're Jewish!!
So yes here's where the guilt pours in! I feel awful that we haven't been more involved with out Temple...I feel like we should be doing more to encourage their pride in their Jewish Heritage...
So being the sneaky people that we are, Jud is going to school with Caroline and Jack (assuming we have don't have a snow day) to play dreidle, and bribe all of the kids with Hanukkah gelt and M&M's to convince them that eight days of presents is so much more fun than one day of Santa's gifts!
Matzah vs Easter eggs is a little harder sell!
My normal go go go energy, seems to be on vacation!
Things that usually drive me insane, like dirty dishes, piles of laundry gathering on the floor and sticky gross floors...this week, well I just don't have the energy to care!
This waiting stuff (on the adoption front) is really getting to me.
In my efforts to avoid the adoption forum (that I normally check daily) and with the advice from my wise 16 year old sister in law, I have joined Facebook...yet another addiction to tend to! (Thanks Mim!) I have since been slacking so much around the house that I fear Jud may take away my computer!!!
Maybe that's why I feel blue????
Even though I've been in a funky mood, It's been a busy and fun week for the kids! Emma and I had a play date with Sarah and her gorgeous kids this week! Emma and Thad were so cute together, and I seriously thought about stealing Hannah!
Sarah and I met years ago, when the forum was just beginning...we were both waiting for referrals. And we've emailed for the past three years but never met...It was so great to finally meet Sarah and have another mom who knows just what I'm feeling and to be able to talk about all of the crazy emotions that go along with this whole process...
Another bright spot, (for those of you who just hang out for pictures) Emma had her Holiday concert today.
She was so darn cute!
But even amidst the cuteness of Emma performing in her concert, I felt the mommy guilt! As she was up on stage singing, O little town of Bethlehem, Away in a manger, and Go tell it on the mountain...I felt so guilty, this preschool was not supposed to be affiliated with any religion..something I talked to the director about...but here Emma is rocking her arms with baby Jesus...(I know, if my Dad read this blog he'd be thrilled!) But-Hello, we're Jewish!!
So yes here's where the guilt pours in! I feel awful that we haven't been more involved with out Temple...I feel like we should be doing more to encourage their pride in their Jewish Heritage...
So being the sneaky people that we are, Jud is going to school with Caroline and Jack (assuming we have don't have a snow day) to play dreidle, and bribe all of the kids with Hanukkah gelt and M&M's to convince them that eight days of presents is so much more fun than one day of Santa's gifts!
Matzah vs Easter eggs is a little harder sell!
Friday, January 25, 2008
Let the Emotional Rollercoaster Begin!
Well I dropped off all of our paperwork for our home study with our local agency yesterday! Now our social worker will put it all together and send it to our international agency, after of course she does a home visit to make sure we have room in our hearts and our house for another child... it'll be a nail-biter!
So anyway, after the home study report is received by the international agency then the next round of paperwork, the dossier begins.... Much more involved than the home study. Lots of papers to get notarized and double notarized(yes,really), fingerprints, government approvals, copies, copies, and more copies, blah... blah... blah... red tape! I guess jumping through hoops is another thing to add to my resume! Which I might add at the moment consists of things like; expert laundry folder, floor sweeper, bathroom scrubber, personal shopper, cook... yeah right! ok maybe not cook but you get my point!
So we're a long way from the end but at least we are finally on our way! Once the dossier is complete I really have no idea what the timing will be like. For infant referrals they are estimating 7-9 months wait and then 1-2 months to travel! In our application to CHSFS (the international agency we use) we said that we would be open to either sex, possibly siblings up to age 3. We agree with CHSFS that we should follow birth order so the child(ren) would need to be younger than Emma. I know it sounds crazy, but I really think if any family has enough love to do it it's us! Yeah that's the sound of me tooting my own horn!
Well that's all I have for a progress report.... We are getting ready for Grandma and Grandpa to come visit this weekend... so I'm off to make some toilets sparkle!
So anyway, after the home study report is received by the international agency then the next round of paperwork, the dossier begins.... Much more involved than the home study. Lots of papers to get notarized and double notarized(yes,really), fingerprints, government approvals, copies, copies, and more copies, blah... blah... blah... red tape! I guess jumping through hoops is another thing to add to my resume! Which I might add at the moment consists of things like; expert laundry folder, floor sweeper, bathroom scrubber, personal shopper, cook... yeah right! ok maybe not cook but you get my point!
So we're a long way from the end but at least we are finally on our way! Once the dossier is complete I really have no idea what the timing will be like. For infant referrals they are estimating 7-9 months wait and then 1-2 months to travel! In our application to CHSFS (the international agency we use) we said that we would be open to either sex, possibly siblings up to age 3. We agree with CHSFS that we should follow birth order so the child(ren) would need to be younger than Emma. I know it sounds crazy, but I really think if any family has enough love to do it it's us! Yeah that's the sound of me tooting my own horn!
Well that's all I have for a progress report.... We are getting ready for Grandma and Grandpa to come visit this weekend... so I'm off to make some toilets sparkle!
Monday, January 14, 2008
Reminisce with me?
This is Jud and I a few weeks before Caroline was born!
And here we are at the Hannah Montana concert last night!
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