Wordless Wednesday (almost)

beautiful gift, from a beautiful friend.

Have I mentioned?

HE WALKS!!!





EVERYWHERE!!!

Wordless Wednesday

One day at a time.

I'm doing ok.

I'm trying to do ok.

I'm trying to enjoy the summer that is left with the kids.

This has all taken a toll on them too. I know that.

Early on in the summer they agreed to forgo all of the summer activities they had just begun to enjoy...swimming, golf, tennis, play dates at the park, so that I could spend as much time as possible with my mom.

I have incredibly loving children.
They saw me hurting, and struggling over how to juggle everything... I think it was Caroline that said "let's just move to the cottage for the summer!"
I am so grateful.

The last few weeks, I've tried to get our daily summer routine to include fun stuff for us to do together. Taking walks to the park, going to the zoo, or the pool...

But it's not easy.

I'm not the mom I usually am. But I'm trying.


I have a picture of my mom next to the seat in my car. It was the picture we gave to the funeral home to see what her typical hair and makeup looked like.

It's a beautiful picture of her. That somehow ended up in my car.

I can't bare to remove it.

Every time I'm driving, I look over and see her beautiful smile.

It makes me smile.

Then flashes of memories...and a huge lump in my throat. Pain in my heart. My eyes well up with tears. If I'm alone in the car I let them fall.

I miss her.

Maybe it would be easier if I just took the photo out...

but I don't want it to be easy.

I don't want to forget.

On the other hand I don't want to let grief take over my life either.

When the kids are around me, I can't help but laugh and smile. They are so full of life and love. They fill me up. One smile, one hug, one "I love you" at a time.

This is hard stuff. Losing a parent is hopefully the hardest thing I'll have to experience in my life.


I'm lucky to have an incredibly supportive husband. Who's allowing me the time and space to figure out this whole grief process at a pace I can handle. And who's willing to hold me up, when I feel like I can't go on. Who is so kindly tolerating all of the 15,000 projects I've started around the house in order to keep busy, even if it means a seemingly endless 'To Do List' for him!

My loving friends, who even though there's nothing they can say to ease the pain, they're still here. With a hug, a card, a phone call.

It all helps.

I'm getting there. One day at a time.

Wordless Wednesday

pause.

I feel like time should stand still. Just for a little while. Give my head and my heart time to process everything that has happened in the past two months.

It all happened so quickly.

I think I'm stuck somewhere between shock and disbelief, and overwhelming pain and sorrow.

I continue to replay the last few weeks over and over in my mind each night. There are many moments that stand out. That give me a sense of peace--well I guess as close to peace as I can be for right now... and then there are also those moments that pierce my heart and steal the air from my lungs.

I think about how she was not alone, not for one second, since she first went into the hospital. All of her children surrounded her with love, just as she has always surrounded us. From time to time she would actually look around the room and count, to see if we were all there... She loved having all of us there. The night she died was no exception. She waited. She waited until all eight of us were there, in her bedroom, right by her side. It was perfect and beautiful. Exactly the way she wanted.




I think about the many conversations we had in the last weeks and days, just the two of us. Her words will stay with me forever. Hearing her say that my children, are happy and wonderful children, because of what a good mom I am... that was a true treasure.


I can honestly say that in a matter of weeks, we had more meaningful, in depth, real, conversations, than we had had in a very long time.

It gave me such joy, relief, peace, whatever, to be able to have that connection with her again.

I had my mom back.

I knew it was just for a short time, but she was there. More clear and herself, than she had been in a very long time.

I guess I should back track.

When my mom was admitted into the hospital, they determined that not only was her oxygen level dangerously low but her carbon dioxide level was dangerously high...they suspected that this severe imbalance had taken quite some time to get to the point that it was, and that this dangerous combination had left her brain, basically starving for oxygen...for quite awhile.

It kind of made sense...


You see,

The past few years, my mom was different.

there were

changes

slowing progressing.

She was getting very forgetful. And frustrated.

My siblings and I had all noticed these changes. Something was different. She was different. Not herself.

We talked to her about it. Talked to our dad about it. Even talked to her physician about it.

It didn't go well. She was very upset. defensive. felt like we were accusing her of being crazy or worse, having Alzheimer's. The doctor basically dismissed everything we said. (reason 5,647 why I'm not a big fan of small town doctors.) He tried to convince us that this was just normal forgetfulness that comes with the natural progression of age. Our carefully detailed outline of examples and concerns, out the window.

I was pissed.

I knew in my heart that something was going on. Something was stealing my mom away from me. I hated it.

Still

Years went by.

Lots of little things happened, easily dismissed I guess. Then a few bigger things...they would start up the conversations again. But eventually, due to her insistence, the conversations would stop...or at least they would stop in front of her.

It began to get increasingly more difficult for me to be around her for extended periods of time. And she knew that. Obviously. I wasn't very good at hiding my frustrations. If she forgot one of the kids birthdays, or called to tell me some story that she had already called earlier that day to tell me, I would always call her out on it. I didn't let anything slide. If she came back from the grocery store after 2 hours with one bag, I'd ask her if she got lost. I didn't back down. If I couldn't come up with a snide remark after she was confused about one thing or another, I would just shake my head and roll my eyes.

This is what I'm having a hard time with right now.

The regret of my actions.

I regret being such a pain in her ass for the past few years. I regret waisting time making her feel belittled or unappreciated.


I regret pushing her so hard.

Selfishly, I wanted the prepared for anything mom I grew up with, not the confused and disheveled woman I was beginning to see.


But it was still her.

I just didn't look close enough.


I always focused on what was missing, rather than what was still there.

I will regret that for the rest of my life...



I keep wondering.

what if?

what if she knew?

What if she knew something was going on?

What if the ending was inevitable, but she chose the way to go?




She was smart like that.

I wouldn't put it past her.

Really?

It just keeps getting better and better.









Nice.

Dancing with Angels

Patrica Jean Vandenhouten







August 30, 1938 - July 14, 2010






Memories surround me
But sadness has found me
I'd do anything for more time
Never before has someone meant more
And I can't get you out of my mind
There is so much that I don't understand
But I know

You're dancing with the angels
Walking in new life
You're dancing with the angels
Heaven fills your eyes
Now that you're dancing with the angels

You had love for your family
Love for all people
Love for the Father, and Son
Your heart will be heard
In your unspoken words
Through generations to come
There is so much that I don't understand
But I know

You're dancing with the angels
Walking in new life
You're dancing with the angels
Heaven fills your eyes
Now that you're dancing with the angels


We're only here for such a short time
So I'm gonna stand up
Shout out
And sing Hallelujah
One day I'll see you again

Holding on tight. Preparing to let go.

The past few weeks have been a blur. I feel like I'm in a fog most of the time. When I'm at home, I'm wondering how things are going at my mom's. When I'm here I'm wondering how the kids are doing at home.

I'm learning a lot about myself. How I grieve. And I have to say it's not pretty. Nor is it good for my marriage. I know it's been hard on Jud, I just have nothing left to give. I feel empty. He wants to help, desperately. But he can't. He wants to listen, but I can't talk. He wants to hold me, but I can't stop moving. Because when I stop, it hurts. Terribly. When I stop, I start to think about what it's going to feel like when I wake up one morning, very soon, and she won't be here. I won't be able to see her, call her. She'll be gone. Forever. I will have lost my mother.

So I keep moving.

This week I've spent every minute I could with her, with my brothers and sisters and my dad. I've learned just how much we need each other. I've learned that I'm not the only one who has this insane way of coping with grief. My sisters and I have all been busy pacing around the house, washing windows, mowing the lawn anything to keep from stopping for too long. One of my brothers and I had a great late night talk/cry. It felt good. I think I'm getting there.

I can see how at peace my mom is. It's very comforting. She made sure to tell us all how proud she is of us and how much she loves us and that she'll be watching over all of us. When I asked her if she was afraid, she just smiled and said, "oh, not really."

Right now I'm just holding on tight but at the same time preparing to let go... I only wish I had an ounce of her strength and courage.

Grief. It's what's for dinner

It has the power unlike any other emotion to completely shut you down. Hard and Fast.

It leaves you questioning the point in anything. Making it difficult to find the motivation to even get out of bed each morning.

Time

Well it's been a rough few weeks. To say the least.

As some of you may know, my mom has not been feeling well for some time.

( This is what I wrote about my mom last year...)

They thought it was pnemonia.

It's not.

It's Cancer.

Stage four lung cancer.


I can honestly without a doubt say that this has been
THE WORST WEEK OF MY ENTIRE LIFE.
I feel completely helpless.

There's nothing I can say. Nothing I can do.

I just want to be with her. When I'm sitting in the room with her I just want to climb into that hospital bed with her, just like when I was little and I'd sneak into her room in the middle of the night...But then I remember I'm not a littl girl anymore.

Suddenly, I don't know where the years have gone.

I'm filled with regrets.

I thought we'd have more time.

I don't know how to do this.

Wordless (almost) Wednesday

So Proud of Aunt Miriam!

he may have fright issues when he's older, thanks to his big sister

Wordless Wednesday

Wordless Wednesday

Wordless Wednesday

One of these days

I realize it's been over a month since I actually posted something with words.

Believe me there's no shortage of funny kid material that I could write about, like how the kids apparently have a "free wedgie" system to keep one another from tattling, or maybe how excited Jack was to wear his "nut cup" for his first little league game.

I could go on and on about what a perfect baby Will is. He's absolutely amazing!
I already can't imagine our family without him. He's such a happy and silly little guy! He loves to have all the kids around doting on him! He smiles, giggles, laughs, and makes the cutest face when he scrunches up his nose...He's cruising around furniture and stands for a short time on his own! He's a dream.


I actually did start quite a few posts. Mostly about Will and how wonderful it feels to have a baby in the house again.

Now that I've seen first hand just how fast they go from being my cuddly little babies to big kids with minds of their own, I'm trying to really take in and enjoy all of the little sweet things that come with having a baby around. Like staring into those big brown eyes while I'm giving him a bottle. Listening to the endless squeals of joy that come from just saying "peek!" And most of all the sweaty sleeping head against my chest...that's my favorite.

I've tried to write several posts about family. From Will meeting all of our extended family, to tough conversations I've had recently with Emma about her Ethiopian family...

but I can't ever find the time to sit and finish them... and when I do have time, I'm so exhausted I can't seem to make sense of anything that's going through my head.


This is the adjustment period that I worried about. We've been here before, and I know we'll get through it. But it's exhausting.

It's survival mode. The one day at a time, sometimes one hour at a time, mode.

Right now, it feels a bit like five is the straw that broke the camel's back so to speak. Me being the camel I guess. Except I don't think camels get tired and I'm not sure they like bud light.

Ugh really, I'm not trying to complain. I think that's another reason I haven't been able to finish a post, I don't want to be a whiner. Oh, poor me, with my five healthy kids, great husband, nice house. My life is so hard.

I know what an amazing life I have.


It's just, this shit is really tough!


For me, the baby stuff isn't a problem. Getting peed on, puked on, food spat at, gross diapers, not a big deal. I can do just about any household chore one handed (holding the babe in the other). Make dinner, do dishes, change loads of laundry, even shower (a little tricky cuz those buggers are slippery)! Getting used to always having a stocked diaper bag on hand again took a bit, but I think I have it down now.

What's getting me, besides my disgusting house that I can't find time to clean is...

I'm spreading myself too thin with the other kids.

I don't get one on one time with any of them.

I'm short with them. patience is hard to find these days.

I constantly feel guilty that I'm not giving them enough. Doing enough for them or with them.

I feel like I'm constantly saying, "no not right now" or "you need to quiet down".

When I was tucking Sam into bed the other night, he told me he missed me. We had been home, together all afternoon, but he missed me.

That hurt.


It's been really hard to maintain the incredible connection I've always had with each of the kids. I've never felt like it was something I had to think about, or really work at, it was just there. But lately it feels off. Especially with Caroline. I feel like I'm always disappointing her. I've gotten more eye rolls
and sad sighs, in the past few weeks than I care to count.

I'm forgetting so many important details of our days. Seriously, if it wasn't for my wonderful friend Jodie, who keeps saving my arse, I think I'd be in the loony bin by now! Like the Monday morning at 7:20 when Jud was out of town and I happened to glance at the calender to see that Will had and appointment at Children's hospital, (across town) at 8:00 that I totally forgot about!!!

I've started a thousand posts about Jodie.

all she said, "Don't worry, just drop them off, I'll have breakfast ready and then I'll get them all to school." As I was pulling out of her driveway, she ran out to hand me a "to-go" cup of coffee...because she knows that I don't know how to use our coffee maker and Jud was gone.

I cried. all the way to the appointment.

I do that a lot. Not sad. Not happy. Just overwhelmed. Emotional.

I guess I have a lot of posts to work on! One of these days!

Wordless Wednesday

Wordless Wednesday

Wordless Wednesday