Our Ever Growing Family

Wordless Wednesday

2012-01-25T11:57:00.002-06:00

Wordless Wednesday

2011-12-28T16:07:00.000-06:00

Embracing life...

2011-11-29T11:18:00.000-06:00

It may not always be simple. It may not always be happy. But it is always full of love...

I've been neglegting the blog a bit, this I know. For lots of reasons really... lack of time is at the top of the list followed closely by lack of clarity. And also(?) I'm sick of complaining. I miss the days of writing about my funny, happy, beautiful kids, which they are...they've always been. I've just been too distracted to really take note.

I'm really going to try and focus on all the positive wonderful things in my life for awhile. Yes, there are still reasons for stress and worry, and issues that I refuse to burry my head in the sand about, but BUT there are so many reasons for me to be happy and grateful for this life I do have.

Thanks to a wonderful group of parents who accompanied me in the battle with schools, there has been a resolution. In my opinion, no it's not perfect, but it is a resolution non the less. Now, life here can go on without all the uncertainty. We will stay here. We will add on to the house. We will make this home.

We will get back to embracing life:)

homeschool?

2011-11-09T20:50:00.000-06:00

Ugh. My kids are already smarter than me so it's not even an option...

The fact that this thought even crossed my mind should give you a good idea of just how upset and disgusted I am with our school...

Wordless Wednesday

2011-11-02T13:22:00.000-05:00

Longing for simplicity again...

2011-10-31T13:05:00.000-05:00

Jud and I were talking the other day about how difficult life is lately. He said something like he just wishes something in our life was easy. I laughed and said something snarky about how no one's life with 5 kids can be easy, let alone all of the other crap going on in our lives...

Really though, I do understand his point, up until a little over a year ago our lives did always feel easy. Not that we didn't have stress, or worries, or chaos in our lives but it was always manageable because it was never everything all at once. We were both full and happy and energetic and able to take care of one another, fill in each others rough spots, pick up each other's slack so to speak. These days, I think one of the reasons life feels so much more difficult is because we are both feeling a lot of stress and are exhausted from being pulled in a million different directions. We both need support from one another like we've never needed before, but for the first time honestly in our entire marriage it's been a struggle to hold each other up.

Now, I'm not saying we are unhappy or our marriage is in trouble, I'm simply saying that we are real people. Our life is not always perfect. Although under normal circumstances it's pretty damn close:) We are both working really hard. We are a team, but life is hard right now...and we are both longing for simplicity again.

So what's so stressful you ask?

Well, for one Jud has had some major changes at work, which in the long run will be great, but for right now it means lots more work/stress and even more time. Leaving early, getting home late, working at home once the kids are asleep, traveling. Even when he's not working he is always thinking about not just his ( and our family's) future but also for every employee that he over sees. It's a huge weight to carry, and it's taking a toll on him. Every minute of every day is packed with work or family, there's no time for himself. He doesn't have nights out with friends or even time for a run or a bike ride, which is normally a great stress relief for him. And I have not been as understanding or supportive as I have been in the past. Not that I could carry the burden for him, but I used to be so much better about listening, asking questions, understanding what he needs, taking care of him, even if it just means insisting he take time to go for a run outside rather than just a run to the grocery store to pick up the milk that I forgot to get.

I haven't been there for him because my plate is overflowing too. I'm making progress with understanding myself and my ADD but it has not been easy. I've had to rethink and relearn everything about myself and who I am. Who I've always been. Why I say or do the things I do. Why I feel the way I do. Why I can't let things go. I wish my mom were hear to talk to about all these things, because the more I find myself, the more I feel like her. There was a connection there. I wish I had realized that sooner. I'm getting closer to accepting her death, but of course that's not easy either. Meeting my dad's new"friend" has of course complicated the grieving process more than just a little bit and has brought up a lot of feelings of hurt and anger and betrayal and sadness...and guilt.

still with me?

because that's just the stuff going on in my head, then of course we have all the real life stuff too... not just the soccer schedules or the piano lessons or the what do I make for dinner or how much do I still hate doing homework, but big heavy real life stuff.

For instance, Caroline is really growing up. My sweet little girl, who used to have wonderful, open, heart to heart conversations with me, has been replaced with a moody, eye rolling, adolescent girl, who is struggling to find her independence. It hurts my heart to see her growing up and to feel her pushing me away. She's having a tough time these days but doesn't want my help. I never imagined watching her grow up would be this hard. Again, I wish my mom were here so I could apologize for all those years when I was such a little shit to her....I'm sure she's up there somewhere smiling down and nodding her head...she always said it'd come back to me:)

Sam has also been having a rough start to the school year, which means meetings and emails with the teacher and principal and conversations with our pediatrician and lots and lots of reading and research. Staying on top of all of those issues are a big stress on me too...remember I have ADD? Following through with important details is a huge struggle.

Then there's Emma, my dear sweet Emma. She's been on quite an emotional roller coaster herself lately. She is really starting to feel real feelings...She has always been very guarded emotionally. Lately she's had lots of questions about Ethiopia and her birth family, her birth mom in particular. She's trying to sort out the truth of her story. She obviously doesn't have any memories about her early life in Ethiopia, however we've always talked about it, about her Ethiopian Mommy...about her history. We've always answered any questions she's had as honestly as we could, with the information we have, but we also had to keep in mind what she was emotionally ready to hear. I guess in hind sight this allowed room for her to add in her own details which she started to see as real. Details that she has only recently started to share. Emma had created a sort of fantasy life story. We've recently had several REALLY honest conversations about what is real and what is not. I think part of this has to do with her age, she's getting to understand much more, but also I really think a big part has to do with the loss of my mom. Emma saw me open up and allow myself to be sad and cry uncontrollably, she saw me being vulnerable and angry and upset. She saw that I started to question things that I had always known... I think it opened up the door for her to finally realize and feel and grieve the loss of her own mother. It is sweet and heart felt and in many ways beautiful to witness but at the same time unbelievably heart breaking...Every night she sleeps with a photo of the most beautiful woman whom she has no memory of...but still, it gives her comfort.

again, I never imagined her growing up would be so hard...

still there? You may want to go pour yourself a cup of coffee, or better yet a glass of wine because here's where life gets really interesting.

So Then...and this is absolutely the biggest stress these days...for me anyway. Let me tell you this has caused many a sleepless nights in this house.

We are in a fight with our school. The school that we love. The school that we moved here for. The school where we Love our teachers.

It turns out this year a new policy was put into place in which students were to be allocated to certain classes according to race.

mmmmhmmm you read that right.

separate students into classes by race.

You all get why I'm pissed right? Because I don't know if many parents at our school do... But then again, most parents in our school don't have minority children.

The fact that a policy like this, (which is illegal let alone morally wrong) was allowed to be implemented in our school, which is considered to be one of the best schools in the area, without the support or even the knowledge of parents has me wondering if we moved to right place after all. Who the heck is in charge here? Who let this happen? How can I ever trust that they are looking out for my children....my white children and my black children?

I've talked to the principal. I've attended school board meetings...I've actually called every single school board member personally at home. I've had meetings with the superintendent. And every time I get off the phone or I leave a meeting I feel like banging my head against the wall. They just don't get it.

It is beyond frustrating.

Which has led Jud and I to have several serious conversations about if in fact this is where we want to raise our family. No, of course I don't want to move again...I hate that we've moved as much as we have. I want our kids to feel grounded in a community. Build lasting friendships. But this? Really? I don't know if we can deal with this...

problem is...we live in Milwaukee which in general is a particularly segregated area. This is where Jud's job is. This is where we have to live. We could move again to another area around the city, but which one? We've already tried 4 different ones and none of them fit either! Is this just what our life is always going to be like? Will we really always have to fight to have all of our children treated fairly even for the most basic of things, like a good education, no matter where we live?

Let's just say current plans for the expansion on this house are on hold.

Wordless Wednesday

2011-10-19T09:54:00.000-05:00

Wordless Wednesday

2011-09-28T12:54:00.002-05:00

People living deeply have no fear of death. ~Anaiïs Nin, Diary, 1967

2011-09-21T14:40:00.000-05:00

I have no idea who Anaiïs Nin is, but when I stumbled upon that quote today it struck me.

This was how my Grandmother lived. And she was not afraid. She was genuine and loving in everything she did, and we have been blessed to have been in her presence as long as we have. Even though I will forever miss her quick wit, her incredible sense of humor, her loving smile, and really everything that made her, her, I know that she was not afraid. She was ready. I'm quite certain that my mom was waiting to greet her...two beautiful angels.

A little Thursday Rant

2011-09-15T11:18:00.000-05:00

You know what I'm sick of?

Feeling put down because I am just a mom.

Not like this is anything new, but today I had the third comment in two days coming from other women, other moms. Not that it doesn't bother me when the belittling comments come from men but it just feels bigger, harsher, more judgmental and frankly, infuriating when it comes from other women. Women who work outside the home i.e. have real jobs.

I have never judged another woman for working outside the home, wether she needs to or loves to.

I am so sick of the working moms who think they are superior or more important, or smarter or whatever, just because they work outside the home.

I happened to bust my ass at work all day every day at a job I love, but which does not include sick days, lunch breaks, potty breaks, bonuses for remembering who has library on what days, (wouldn't that be cool?) or even appreciation, or respect or acknowledgement. This is my job. And I love it. Wouldn't change it for all the money in the world.

Now if you'll excuse me, the littles are sleeping so Will and I are heading off to the shower for the first time in three (or is it four?) days.

Back to School

2011-09-11T21:33:00.000-05:00

was a few weeks ago.

No back to school pictures. Not a one. Four excited, clean, nicely dressed kids with backpacks and no pictures. Ugh. Mom fail. again.

So far everyone is really liking school, their teachers, friends and I think just being back in a routine. I love our school and I'm so glad that we all get to walk together every morning. It's such a nice way to start our day. This is our first year that all four of the bigs are on the same schedule. One drop off- One pick up. Which means Will is the only one home from 8 until 3. Sounds easy right? Just one kid all day? Yeah, I don't do easy very well. I've never had just one at home before. Well, I guess I did last year because Emma was in all day 5k, but Will and I were always running errands in between drop offs and pick ups and nap times...it never really felt like I was home with him all day.

So....I decided to do something that most people will think is crazy (Jud included:)

I'm watching a friend's twin one year olds during the school days!

I didn't really mention it to many people, not even my sisters, because I realize it sounds nuts....I finally have just one at home, why don't I just enjoy the simplicity, and maybe have a little down time? Well, here's the thing, I wouldn't do that. I didn't do that last year. I was always working on some project, repainting someone's room, or running around town in search of some new rug or shower curtain or... whatever...(can you say ADD?) My point is, I didn't take the time to just sit and play with Will. Not like I did with the other kids. And I felt a tremendous amount of mommy guilt for that.

I was missing the best of little Will.

So when my dear friend asked about watching these cuter than cute babes, I had a hard time trying to find a reason to say no.

My initial thought was this would force me to really be home all day. I mean have you ever tried to bring three toddlers anywhere? It's really quite comical:)

But now that the boys have been here for a few weeks, I realize I don't feel forced to be home. I really love it. This is what I do. I love spending time with kids.

It's been so great, I have time to play with just Will when the little boys are sleeping, Will has time to work on the art of sharing when the little boys are awake, and when Will is sleeping I get to snuggle little wee ones again:)

I mean really I get paid to watch this? What on earth could be better?

Wordless Wednesday

2011-09-07T17:03:00.000-05:00

Wednesday

2011-08-31T12:41:00.000-05:00

a new birthday tradition.

Wordless Wednesday

2011-08-24T11:58:00.000-05:00

One Year.

2011-08-22T22:35:00.000-05:00

Actually it's been one year and 39 days... Not that I'm counting days because clearly after a year of grieving I should be past the point of missing her every. single. day. right?

not so much.

Wow the summer is just flying by!

2011-07-26T08:42:00.001-05:00

I can't believe I haven't written anything about our summer, other than the camp experience that wasn't! We've been busy. Really busy.

Lots of golf

Lots of swimming

Lots of playing with friends

Lots of playing in the sprinkler

Lots of softball games

A much needed night alone with some of my favorite women.

A road trip to see cousins in Minnesota

A few trips to the zoo

A weekend at the cottage with more cousins

A birthday for a little someone

A sad anniversary

A happy anniversary

A ginormous backyard barbecue party

A trip to Bay Beach

A day at the children's museum

Make video montages at www.OneTrueMedia.com

Jodie

2011-07-19T11:36:00.000-05:00

At last, the post I've been trying to write for the past two years.

Honestly I don't know why it's been so hard to do. It's easy for me to gush and could go on and on about this incredible woman (and I frequently do). It's just there's so much more to Jodie.

Yes, she's a phenomenal mom, and by phenomenal I mean totally kick ass put my lame mothering skills to shame sort of mom. And she's absolutely a one and a million kind of friend- you know, the kind of friend that knows just how you take your coffee, and just when to invite you in for a cup. She's not only the most hard working and giving person I know, but also the most thoughtful and sincere friend I've ever had. I feel like I'm learning to be a better person because of her.

But she's so much more than all of these things.

Jodie is the hand that wiped my tears.

Jodie is the voice that tells me to get over myself.

Jodie is the smile that can light up a room.

Jodie is the reason I believe in friendship.

When I met Jodie, gosh like 12 years ago (wow, we really are getting old!) I never in a million gazillion years would have guessed how important and permanent she would become in my life.

It was a company party. Jodie worked with Jud and I was the new kid. I remember meeting her and thinking, wow this chick has her shit together. She was gorgeous, dressed incredibly, very smart, talked all businessy, mingled with all of the "important" people. My insecure self felt a little out of place. But as soon as she started talking to me those insecurities faded away. She was real. She was genuine.

Over the next few years we saw each other occasionally. Jodie left the bank to stay home with her kids and my life at that time was all about my growing family. I remember bumping into her a number of times at story time with the kids, and every time she was so warm and sweet. I always thought, man I wish I had a friend like her.

Then two years ago when we moved to this part of town, I emailed Jodie because I knew she lived in the same area. I thought maybe she could give me the scoop about the school and maybe even get our kids together so they felt like they knew someone when they started school. Sending that email was probably the smartest thing I've ever done.

It was 4th of July and Jodie had written to tell me about the big parade and festival at our local park. Jud and I packed up our excited kids and started walking to watch the parade. I immediately noticed all the people lining the streets and started to panic. We were so stupid, we didn't go out early and set up chairs or a blanket. Jud and I started bickering because I think I may have mentioned going early to save a spot but he didn't think it was necessary. I remember being so irritated because there was no way we were going to get a spot where the kids could actually see, I started envisioning the walk home with sad disappointed kids... when Jodie walked across the street, sort of like my knight in shining armor ;) She of course had a blanket all set up and invited us to watch the parade with them. The kids all immediately hit it off. They got along almost bizarrely well, like friends at first sight. That night we watched the fireworks together (on their blanket of course because we didn't go early to get a spot for that either) both of our families. I kind of knew that night that this lady was going to be in my life forever. At least I hoped she would.

Since then Jodie has taken me under her wing.

She has taught me, she has listened to me, she has really understood me. Not to mention she has saved my unorganized butt on many occasions.

Having her just a few blocks away makes me finally understand what it's like to have family close by.

During our wait for Will, I had mentioned to Jodie that I was really nervous about the travel to Ethiopia. I was terrified about making the trip alone, but there was no way Jud and I could both go because we had four kids at home and no real other options. Jodie looked at me and just said "no. you both need to go. you're both going."

Seriously, who does that? Just takes in someone's kids?

Not only did she take care of all four of my kids (plus her own three) so that Jud and I could travel together, but she loved my kids while I was gone. I never ever could have had the experiences I did in Ethiopia (like meeting birthfamilies) if it weren't for Jodie. Knowing that my kids were with her put my mind at ease and I was really able to just focus on the trip and embrace that whole experience. For that I will always be indebted to her.

I don't know how I would have made it through these past few years without her love and support.

When I told her I was going to speak at my mom's memorial service, she made sure she was there. She knows when I need her without me ever having to ask.

Part of me is going to be lost when she moves. And the other part is going to be texting and calling her nonstop!

Jodie- I know you hate being the focus of attention but I had to find a way to tell you all that you mean to me. I'm so grateful to have you in my life.

Wordless Wednesday

2011-07-06T08:23:00.000-05:00

These days

2011-07-05T22:36:00.000-05:00

I'm thinking of my mom

I'm remembering where we were one year ago.

just.one.year.ago.

It sucks.

It's still hard to move forward.

And as soon as I think I AM moving forward

I find myself falling ten steps back.

Ah Summer

2011-07-05T22:32:00.000-05:00

The plan for this summer was to not plan so much.

The boys baseball season is just wrapping up and Caroline's softball season is in full swing. Other than practice and games the 4 bigs have golf once a week and Caroline and Jack have piano and guitar once a week. So our summer was left pretty open. That's what I ~~planned~~ wanted.

This summer I really wanted the kids to just have time to play and be together. Take bike rides, walks to the park, make up games on the playset, run through the sprinkler, have Popsicles in the middle of the afternoon for no reason.

But our crappy weather the first two weeks of summer vacation put a damper on all things. We were stuck inside.all.day.everyday. We were all ready to strangle each other.

Oh and when it rains really heavily for multiple days, because of our flooding basement history, my husband tends to have a coronary every night which leads us to carry up ALL of our ~~shit~~ most prized possessions from the basement.

Then I get to spend the next day carrying everything back downstairs and reorganizing the storage room.

Fun Fun.

On the bright side I did get to really go through everything in the basement and was able to purge a heck of a lot, which always makes me happy. Most things I put on Craigslist for free just to get it the heck out. Which is another story for another day.

This week was the first really nice week weather wise that we've had so far. It was also the only week the 4 bigs had any other big scheduled days. A first for us, we signed the kids up for a one week y day camp. Caroline, Jack and Sam were dropped off at the bus at 7:15am and then picked up at 5:45pm a looong day away from home. Caroline loooooved it! Seriously, the nature, the outdoors, the adventure, the sense of independence, it's so Caroline. Perfect fit. Yesterday was an optional overnight...I was very anxious. Caroline not so much. As we were walking up to the bus she told me that she really wanted to do the 2 week overnight camp next year. UmmmNo.

Tuesday night (two days into camp) Sam had a bit of breakdown. Turns out camp is just not a good fit for him. Too much. All of it. Too much. Of course I didn't want him to feel that way about something I thought would be fun for him, so I told him he could be done. No more camp for Sam.

The next morning when Jack found out that Sam was not going to camp he suddenly had loads of complaints about camp. (even though everyday he gets in the car and goes on and on about all the fun he had that day) Jack wanted to stay home too. Ugh. Now I'm thinking about how much we paid for this one week camp and they're only two days in, what will the husband think about them dropping out? I tried to talk about all the stories he had and what fun adventures he had in just those two days, what would he miss if he didn't go back? Then he said, "yeah, camp is fun but I like being with Sam more. If he's not going I don't want to go." How do you say no to that? So...no more camp for Jack. Both boys were home.

I had Emma in a little camp at the park for the mornings because I was worried that she would feel left out with the other bigs at camp all day. She was so so. Not too thrilled.

Then she gave me this

She told me she really just wanted to be home.

No more camp for Emma.

I guess maybe we're just not a camp kinda family.

Other than Caroline of course!

and as it ends up after the overnight Caroline had a huge rash on her neck and a scratch on her eyeball! The next morning she could barely open her eye....so no camp for Caroline.

So much for planning.

She takes my breath away.

2011-06-28T07:32:00.000-05:00

Wordless Wednesday

2011-06-08T07:17:00.000-05:00

Jackson is Nine years old!

2011-06-06T20:40:00.000-05:00

Sigh. Seems like only yesterday....

(wow do Jud and I look like we're about 12 years old in this picture?!)

Looking up to his big sister from the very beginning!

Couldn't you just bite him? Oooooh those cheeks! Where do you suppose he gets those dimples from anyway?

Future President?

or Rock Star?

The possibilities are endless for this kid!

Yes, his birthday was month ago and yes I'm just now getting around to writing his birthday post. We did celebrate it on time though, so at least we've got that going for us;)

This year ended up being the year of birthday parties in our house! We don't always do big friend parties, but after the year we've had I thought it was really important for all of us to be able to celebrate our most happy days. The kids all happily obliged.

For Jack's party he chose a laser tag adventure with some of his best buds! (he even included Caroline and Sam on his guest list without any prompting from me!)

It was a really fun party, and I think he had a great time. One thing about the party that pretty much sums up Jack in a nutshell, was his birthday cake. He had originally wanted a lego ice-cream cake, picked out the picture for the top and everything....I was about to order when I remembered one of his friends severe food allergies. I told Jack that I'd talk to his friends mom and we could figure out a special treat for him. Immediately Jack said, "we'll all have what Max is having, I don't want him to feel left out." I was so impressed that he thought of his friends feelings over his own wants. So impressed in fact that I offered to make a cake from scratch that Max would be able to eat too...not quite as cool looking as the lego one he picked out, but he loved it anyway. That is Jack.

Jack has me pack him a special lunch everyday so that he can sit at the "nut free table" at school because he doesn't want Max to be alone.

Jack is a very loving friend.

He really thinks about people.

There is something really beautiful about a child showing sincere compassion and genuine love without being prompted. That is Jack. He has always had such a huge heart, and he fills mine with pure joy.

Jack is a fabulous big brother. Sam has idolized him and tried to follow in his every foot step since he was able to walk. Rather than running ahead Jack will always slow down to wait for Sam to catch up.

He is and always has been very protective of his sisters. If someone has a problem with Caroline or Emma, well then they have a problem with Jack too. He watches out for them, listens to them and sticks up for them.

Reading to Emma's Class, look how proud Emma is to have him there. I love that.

Oh man does Jack love Will.

I mean like serious, crazy, nothing else like it, loves Will.

This boy melts my heart with his sweetness.

Jack has always been an avid reader and really likes school. Luckily he seems to have gotten his smarts from his dad....he picks up new things incredibly quickly. He's a math wiz, which comes in handy for me when we're shopping because he's great figuring out % discounts! Every teacher he's ever had has commented about what a sweet boy he is and what a thoughtful friend he is to the whole class. He makes me so proud in so many ways...

He is a sensitive one, this boy. He obviously gets that from Jud too ;) It's a wonderful quality to have. He keeps my "tone" in check. Jack will get very sad if I raise my voice the tiniest bit or even if I mumble something sarcastically under my breath. If he does something wrong, or does something to hurt one of the other kids feelings, he is crushed. When we lost my mom this year, Jack was so incredibly loving and gentle with me. Even though he was hurting too, he was always looking out for me, giving me extra cuddles, coming up behind me and rubbing my back, reaching out to hold my hand on the way to school... He helped heal my heart.

Jack loves family. If it were up to him, our house would be overflowing with children! He loves when we're all together, or even better when we're all together with cousins! He especially loves his little cousins Spencer and Christopher. And those little boys sure think Jack is pretty darn awesome too!

Jack has always had a special love for my dad. And I have always loved that.

He's Papa's boy!

through and through...

I love this kid so much!

It's been nine amazing years!

Random Ramblings

2011-05-25T09:57:00.000-05:00

I have so much swirling around in my head these days. Lots of big things and even more not so big things. There's lots of post potential in there.

Like maybe a birthday post for Jack who turned 9 the first week of May? I'm way behind.

Maybe I could do a post about how difficult it's been lately with Jud traveling so much....honestly, I have NO IDEA how single moms or moms who's husbands travel or work ALL THE TIME do it. This is EXHAUSTING!

And I've also been thinking a lot about friendships lately. About how sometimes you find them in the strangest of places. Or how sometimes a sweet gesture from a friend can lift you up when you hadn't even realized you were falling.

I still want to finish the post that I've been working on for EVER about Jodie. My dear friend who's been such an amazing support for me over the past two years. Except now, rather than being the post about how thankful I am to have her in my life and how I hope to be a better friend to her like she's always been to me, now it's turning into a farewell post. Because she's moving. Sigh.

I've been having thoughts about whether or not we're really DONE done. (shhh don't tell Jud)

And I've been doing a lot of thinking about Emma and some difficulties she's been having for quite some time. I know that many of you will be able to relate and likely have good advice, but I just haven't been able to write quite what I'm wanting to yet.

I've been thinking of a friend who is preparing to bring her daughter home. I know she's a worrier like me, so I've been racking my brain to think of ways I can be helpful to her from afar. I may need to take another trip to DC this summer :)

I've been thinking of the fragility of life, as my Aunt prepares to say goodbye to her husband and best friend, not even a year after saying goodbye to her sister. My heart breaks for her.

My mind is full of thoughts.

But instead of spending all my spare time (insert sarcasm here) working on these posts, I've been reading these books.

I've got ADD on the brain. And man this is some crazy shit!

I joke, but really this has been a big deal. In many ways it feels like the missing piece of the puzzle. Sort of helps make sense of so many thoughts, feelings, reactions and emotions but it also forces me to really LOOK at the finished puzzle. And something all these books are telling me, "adults with ADD are their own harshest critics" Makes a lot of sense.

It feels a bit like a relief.

But then there's the pissed off side too.

How could I have struggled with this my whole life and it never be diagnosed? Why didn't anyone notice? How different could my life have been if I had known this earlier? How different would school have been? Surely I wouldn't have missed the cut off sign up date for my SATs because I was so unorganized and oblivious to dates, and surely I wouldn't have then convinced myself that I wouldn't get into any college anyway so it was pointless to take them anyway....

How different would all of my relationships with family, friends, everyone have been if I had been able to understand this disorder earlier?

This is something that has impacted every part of who I am, who I thought I was, who I thought I should be and who I thought I was never good enough to be.

It's a lot to take in.

I've debated whether or not to share this here, really I've told very few people, and honestly not gotten the best reactions, but ultimately this is a part of who I am. And if I'm going to embrace it and accept it I have to be honest about it. And this blog is where I feel like I can really be honest. Be myself. I'm not planning on this becoming my ADD therapy blog or anything, rather I'm sure I'll need to vent from time to time while I try to sort this all out, so thought I'd give you a heads up of the crazy to come!

Well, that and one Dr. did say "oh yeah, a huge percentage of adoptive moms have ADD" this kind of made me giggle! So, who knows maybe some of you can relate to my sort of crazy :)

Wordless Wednesday

2011-05-18T08:41:00.000-05:00

Our family of 7

2011-05-18T06:48:00.000-05:00

We had our finalization hearing this week. Yes he's been home over for a year, what can I say, I suck with details, especially details that require more paperwork! Really that's the only reason this hasn't happened sooner.

It was a whole family affair.

The kids and I got all spiffied up, Jud looks this good everyday! Will was so dang handsome in his little coat and tie! I can't believe I didn't get any good pictures of him, actually yes I can, I couldn't take any pictures because he didn't stop running the entire time!

This time was much different than when we had Emma's hearing. I'm not sure if it's because the process has changed or just because we were living in a different county at the time. This one felt much more "official". Our social worker had to be present and actually testify on our behalf, as well as both Jud and I. The judge asked a lot of questions, and really got into great detail.

The judge was really genuine, and had lots of kind words about our family. Then he invited us all up to bang the ol gavel! When it was Jack's turn he threw his arms in the air and yelled "guilty!" even got a good chuckle out of the bailiff.

After my sister saw these pictures on Facebook she called and asked why I didn't tell anybody that this was our court date. I guess it just felt like more like a technicality...it wasn't like I was worried that the judge was going to say no...more like, just making sure we filed all the correct papers.

Like my dad said when I told him, "I'm not surprised, he's been calling me Papa for a long time!"

Will's been a part of our family since we first saw the photo of his little tiny face....but still, it's nice to be official.

A Day in the Life... of a crazy person

2011-05-15T08:40:00.000-05:00

So, I'm a little late to the party but all the ~~blogamigas~~ cool kids are doing it so I've just gotta do it too. You know, because I've always wanted to be cool.

No but really, in all ~~craziness~~ seriousness this was something I did last year and thought it was really fun to see, not only what so many other moms' days were like, but also what I really do during the day. Every day seems to begin and end the same and every day I feel like I have the same to do list that never seems to get done, so for me it's ~~crazy~~ interesting to see where my day actually goes!

Alrightie sooooo this was my Friday, cue the circus theme music...

5:30 Wake up and pry myself from the clutches of these two sweaty bodies.

meet Jud in the kitchen, where he has this waiting for me.

we talk for a few minutes about what our days look like and then he heads to the shower and I fold a little laundry. I actually don't even mind doing it because it's still quiet in the house.

6:30 The kids start to trickle down, and breakfast is in full swing. I get all of the lunch boxes out and start packing. When it comes to sandwiches I open the bread drawer and see only one single piece of bread...~~aw shit!~~

with no time to go the store before Jud leaves I decide, hey what a great day to have lunch together. I'll pick the kids up from school and we can have a picnic lunch together and then I'll bring them back. AWESOME! I write the notes to the teachers.

Then I wake the lone preteen straggler....

Suddenly we're in our CRAZY hour, 7:00-8:00 is INSANE!

Getting everyone fed, cleaned, teeth brushed, and dressed...the boys insist on having their clothes laid out for them, the girls insist on doing it themselves...on this day they were both told to "try again" at least two times. While they work on getting dressed I run around making beds...it's this new thing I'm trying, no really, I think when you go to bed in a clean comfy environment you sleep better. Well at least I do.

8:00 Drop off the bigs. Suddenly remember they all do NOT share the same lunch period. And neither does Emma. And it's cold and rainy so no picnic. ~~aw shit!~~ This will be interesting.

Em insists on going to get a bagel and I happily oblige, because I haven't had breakfast and what the hey, we're dressed! Actually I'm still in the sweats I slept in, but she and Will are dressed.

Bagel with Bacon. She's a self proclaimed "meatasourus"!

In the bagel store we run in to a really good friend, I share the current lunch drama with her, she says, "well why don't you just get bread and then drop off the lunches." DOH! Why didn't I think of that?!! Now I had already written the notes, told the kids who got all excited...so no chance of that now.

9:00 We drop Emma off at school. Can't take a picture because my phone is dead, so I look in the console for the charger, where I find the Thank You cards from Emma's birthday party...in March. NICE.

9:30 Home. Quick switch laundry. Try to plan out the lunch pick up/drop off schedule. Looks like between 11:10 and 1:00 we will have 3 separate trips to pick up and drop off at school for this lunch break.

To make things easier, I ordered lunch ahead of time.

This is what Will was doing while I was ordering.

I quick jump in a shower, because it's been so long that it's no longer an option not to! Then Will and I have a little time to play and drool over each other!

11:00 and we're off to begin the marathon of lunch hours!

Will in the office waiting for "Haaam" (Sam)

11:30 Lunch hour begins with a smile:) until he tells me, "you forgot to send my m&m's for our math project today" ~~aw shit!~~

We eat quick. Then we're off to pick up Caroline and Jack, run to the store for m&m's milk and bread, drop Sam (and his m&m's) at school and then back to get Emma. Lunch hour 2 and 3 in full effect.

12:30 Drop off the two biggest bigs back to school. Emma and I cuddle for a bit before it's time to bring her back too.

1:30 Snuggle the baby until he falls asleep. (one of my favorite parts of the day)

Except today I have pack the sleeping baby back into the car and take him to my incredible friend Jodie's house because I have a Dr. appt.

2:30 Back to Jodie's to pick up Will. We chat for a bit over coffee, then Will and I are off to school for the end of the day pick up.

3:30 Everyone is home.

Emma has a friend over so after a quick snack they head downstairs to play. Caroline heads to her room to pack for a sleepover later tonight. The music starts blaring.

Sam does a little of this

While Jack does this

Which is incredibly helpful while I run around the house doing a quick pick up and move all the laundry from the dining room table to the upstairs hallway.

4:30 quick meeting at the newly cleaned off dining room table with an architect to talk about expansion possibilities.

Then is time to race around the house, digging through even more laundry to look for uniforms and "nut cups" for the boys baseball game.

5:00 Jud pulls in the driveway, runs in to change quick and then heads back out the door with these two.

Will is very upset that he doesn't get to go with.

5:30 We drop off Emma's friend and head to game.

6:30 Jud stays at the game while I bring Will and the girls home for a quick dinner before Caroline gets picked up for her sleepover at 7:00

7:30 The boys are home finishing up their dinner, Emma has a second dinner, and Will plays for a few more minutes before heading to bed.

8:30 Will is sound asleep and the rest of us snuggle in for movie night.

Tonight's feature

which is only made better with

8:30 More of the same.

9:30 The movie is done, and Jud puts the kids down. Normally this is when I would check fb and then see what's happening in blogland, but oddly enough tonight I'm too exhausted to possibly stay awake for another minute.

Yup, I'm glad I made my bed this morning. I'm out like a light by 10:00

Wordless Wednesday

2011-05-11T09:43:00.000-05:00

did I mention that I am totally afraid of heights? that's just how much I love this kid!

Bittersweet

2011-05-09T12:26:00.000-05:00

My Mom and I in 1978

This year for the first time, I suddenly came to the realization that Mother's day is not always a happy day for everyone. It can be a very emotional and complicated day. For many, like myself this day is bittersweet.

I know it's just a day, but it is a day that I would have definitely spent with my mom, or at the very least talked to her on the phone. I would have given her a card with a note inside telling her how grateful I was to have her and how this year I was going to stop taking advantage of her and really start showing her how much I appreciated everything she did for me. I did that every year, but I never really followed through, and I always took her for granted.

Today was a tough day.

As I was fully expecting it would be.

Really, the whole week leading up to today was incredibly difficult. My thoughts were flooded with memories of my mom. My dreams replayed those last days in amazing detail. And every waking thought found some way of coming back to her...

Something I was not anticipating this week however, a very dear friend of mine, who really, other than my mom is the one woman I've always looked up to as the perfect mother role model, lost her own mother.

My heart broke for her, knowing that pain all too well.

As per my usual way of dealing with things, what I was aching to do all week was to climb into bed and hide under the covers. Avoiding everything and everyone. But for obvious reasons, that wasn't an option.

I had to be there for my friend, and I had to attend the funeral. I couldn't avoid that.

I also couldn't avoid celebrating this day with my children.
I had to wake up this Mother's Day with a smile, because I have been blessed with five beautiful children who have also encountered a huge loss this year. Not to mention having to put up with a less than stellar mother of their own for the past 10 months, while I try to put myself back together.

I can't lie, even with my wonderful children and all of the lovely gifts that came straight from their hearts, it was still a struggle all day to keep the focus on the gifts I have rather than the one I've lost.

I know this would not have made my mom happy.

Next year, I hope I'm in a better place, where I will be able to do something to honor her memory rather than just mourn my loss.

This year I just couldn't.

A Mother's Prayer

2011-05-04T10:24:00.000-05:00

This week is proving to be a tough one.

The first mother's day without my mom is approaching.

I realize this day may not always be a happy one for everyone. For those of you, like me who are in need of a good laugh right now...

“First, Lord: No tattoos. May neither Chinese symbol for truth nor Winnie-the-Pooh holding the FSU logo stain her tender haunches.

May she be Beautiful but not Damaged, for it’s the Damage that draws the creepy soccer coach’s eye, not the Beauty.

When the Crystal Meth is offered, may she remember the parents who cut her grapes in half And stick with Beer.

Guide her, protect her when crossing the street, stepping onto boats, swimming in the ocean, swimming in pools, walking near pools, standing on the subway platform, crossing 86th Street, stepping off of boats, using mall restrooms, getting on and off escalators, driving on country roads while arguing, leaning on large windows, walking in parking lots, riding Ferris wheels, roller-coasters, log flumes, or anything called “Hell Drop,” “Tower of Torture,” or “The Death Spiral Rock ‘N Zero G Roll featuring Aerosmith,” and standing on any kind of balcony ever, anywhere, at any age.

Lead her away from Acting but not all the way to Finance. Something where she can make her own hours but still feel intellectually fulfilled and get outside sometimes And not have to wear high heels. What would that be, Lord? Architecture? Midwifery? Golf course design? I’m asking You, because if I knew, I’d be doing it, Youdammit.

May she play the Drums to the fiery rhythm of her Own Heart with the sinewy strength of her Own Arms, so she need Not Lie With Drummers.

Grant her a Rough Patch from twelve to seventeen.Let her draw horses and be interested in Barbies for much too long, For childhood is short – a Tiger Flower blooming Magenta for one day – And adulthood is long and dry-humping in cars will wait.

O Lord, break the Internet forever, that she may be spared the misspelled invective of her peers And the online marketing campaign for Rape Hostel V: Girls Just Wanna Get Stabbed.

And when she one day turns on me and calls me a Bitch in front of Hollister, Give me the strength, Lord, to yank her directly into a cab in front of her friends, For I will not have that Shit. I will not have it.

And should she choose to be a Mother one day, be my eyes, Lord, that I may see her, lying on a blanket on the floor at 4:50 A.M., all-at-once exhausted, bored, and in love with the little creature whose poop is leaking up its back. “My mother did this for me once,” she will realize as she cleans feces off her baby’s neck. “My mother did this for me.” And the delayed gratitude will wash over her as it does each generation and she will make a Mental Note to call me. And she will forget. But I’ll know, because I peeped it with Your God eyes.

Amen.”

-Tina Fey

Wordless Wednesday

2011-05-04T09:18:00.000-05:00

The baby has no fear!

2011-05-02T18:43:00.001-05:00

Spring Break 2011 part 2

2011-05-01T20:10:00.014-05:00

Well it sure doesn't take long for reality to come and pummel that vacation high right outta ya!

I shouldn't be surprised really.

I know how hectic life with 5 kids is, and just how much laundry those 5 kids produce.

It's just that for the first time, in a really, really, long time, I felt relaxed. My head wasn't spinning all day, and I didn't have the next day's 'to do' list running through my head at night.

I actually slept.

It felt good. No, it felt great.

I don't think I was ready for that to end yet.

Note to self, beg and plea to Jud to make next years trip for two weeks!

This was really the most wonderful week we've all had together in quite some time. Swimming, playing in the sand, waking up before the sun to walk the beach in search of that damn sand dollar, laughing, eating every meal together every day. Incredible memories were made. We were all sooooo relaxed all week. Honestly, there was little to no fighting, or whining all week.

Um, we have 5 kids, so that's kind of a big deal!

Every day ended on the beach at sunset.

Gorgeous.

Not to mention offered great lighting for photos, which I loved because this was really the only time I could take pictures while we were dressed in actual clothes rather than swimsuits, but more importantly watching the "bouncing ball" like my mom used to say at sunset, brought back so many memories of watching sunsets with her...

I finally felt happy when I remembered her, rather than sad. And that felt good.

Well with that said,

****Warning, copious amounts of photos to follow*****

If cuteness bothers you, then by all means shield your eyes!

These are some happy girls! Looking for the ever illusive sand dollar...

Beauty

Happiness

Please excuse the boobage...apparently I eat when I grieve and even more apparently I mostly gain weight in my boobs...so there you have it, could be worse right? Still, Yikes!

Man I love these boys.

They could have fun together in, well, a hole.

shoot, we forgot Will!

Just the girls

and boys and again forgot Will (poor 5th child)

Little Miss Attitude!

I mean come on. CUTENESS!!!

ugh. I want to go back.

Grossout Wednesday

2011-04-27T07:47:00.002-05:00

Things that make you want to vomit!

One of the two tics we removed from Sophie last night!

EWWWWWWWW! I have never seen a tic before, and I was totally grossed out to see what they look like after a feast!

Poor Sophie.

Spring Break 2011 (part 1)

2011-04-25T20:56:00.012-05:00

We just had the most awesomest family vacation ever! Nope that's not a typo I said awesomest because it was just so much awesomer than just plain old awesome:)

With the size of our family we haven't been able to travel much, plane tickets are sooooo expensive and the thought of driving anywhere with five children in the car for HOURS just doesn't sound much like a vacation to me! But a few months ago Jud and I decided that our family really needed a break. Some time just to be together. No big parks. No running all over to see sights. Just a place to be together. And of course this place needed to be somewhere warm!

Sooooo, we decided to use the miles from Jud's card, ( we had been saving them up for oh like two years with the hopes of a romantic Hawain getaway just the two of us, but oh well another day.) to purchase 6 tickets (Will is still free!) plus my niece (but my brother bought that!) packed up our swim suits and off we went!

We were in a fantabulous location in Florida! Beautiful beach, condo big enough for us and the six kids, a few other great families staying near by and gorgeous weather all week.

It was P.E.R.F.E.C.T

Our biggest decision every day was, beach pool beach or pool beach pool!

My beach beauties!

He actually isn't laying out, he was just warming up his little squirtie self in the sun!

We got to spend some time with Papa too! I wish I hadn't forgotten to bring my camera down to the beach that day, the vision of him laying out on a beach chair sunning his toes was just priceless!

I did get one of him taking a dip with the kids though. It was really great to see him.

The kids all LOVE to swim!

We had lots of beach fun with friends too!

Planning their attack on poor Jud!

Will of course is a little chick magnet! His big phrase this week was "hey dude!"

Alright loading these pictures took way to long and Will is about to wake up from his nap and I am in desperate need of a shower before that happens so we'll have to break this up into two parts!

to be continued....

Wordless Wednesday

2011-04-13T10:44:00.002-05:00

This is what boredom er naptime looks like in my house!

2011-04-08T14:29:00.003-05:00

It ain't perdy!

I wonder if Jud still thinks I shouldn't start anymore house projects!?

Sunday Sweetness

2011-04-03T18:42:00.002-05:00

it doesn't get any better than this.

Another week has come and gone

2011-03-27T20:13:00.007-05:00

Really where is the time going?

The kitchen is finally DONE and open for business! Since this room is pretty much the center of our days, all I can say is it was a major pain in the arrrsss having it such a disaster for the past few weeks! I'll have to post pictures of the rest later, the counters were too messy!

We had one of my favorite nieces come for a little visit this week...It's was so awesome having such a helpful big kid around. The kids all love her like crazy! Will followed her everywhere she went saying "KK...KK...RU????" One of the cutest things I've ever seen for sure. Caroline really loved having Caitlin here too, she pretty much giggled the entire visit.

I received a really sweet surprise this week... A few weeks ago when Rhona, my mother in law, was visiting she was telling me about a book that she just read. She thought I'd enjoy it, she offered to send it to me. I thanked her for the thought but told her it would be silly to send it since, due to a plethora of reasons, lack of time and focus just to name a few, it's been a really long time since I've actually read a book cover to cover. This week I opened this...

the audio version.

I spent a couple of hours one morning with a friend who recently brought home her two daughters from Ethiopia. I was honestly amazed at what a wonderful and extraordinary mother she was. We met through friends and had only gotten together once right before she left for Ethiopia, so really I didn't know her all that well....but wow I was a little taken back at how loving and nurturing she was. So kind and gentle in every touch, and such a loving direct tone when she was talking to the girls. I've seen and idolized some pretty great moms over the years so I know a good one when I see one. Let me tell you, she's a good one!

Last night we had some friends over for dinner. Two couples and all their kids plus us and all our kids....totaled 6 adults and 10 kids ranging from 1 to 13 and wanna hear the crazy thing? We actually had a quiet, delicious, grown up dinner complete with great conversation. How is this possible you may ask? Because we have great friends with great kids! The laughter coming from the basement was pretty great too:)

So, wow I guess it was a busy week! I'm exhausted and sick of painting! And more than anything I am so grateful for wonderful friends.

Memories

2011-03-20T15:08:00.003-05:00

I've spent lots of time recently going through several boxes of my moms. They're mostly filled with years of photos and letters... I told her that I would organize them, and make sure all of us kids had some of the photos, but I've only been able to go through them little by little. It's a bit overwhelming.

There are so many incredible memories in these boxes.

Last night I came across this photo that absolutely drew me in and took me back...to what life was.

Sitting in that living room, my dad and uncle were most certainly at the piano singing, my mom (doesn't she look so beautiful?) sitting on that plaid little couch, her glass of pepsi sitting on the coffee table, the ice melting while she visited with my grandmothers.

I miss it. Home. Her. That ugly owl on the wall. I miss it all.

Wordless Wednesday

2011-03-16T06:46:00.002-05:00

Birthdays Birthdays everywhere!

2011-03-14T14:30:00.000-05:00

Emma is 6 today!

...well, actually while we were in Ethiopia her Birth Family informed us of her actual birthdate, so really she's been 6 for awhile, but as far as she knows today, March 14th is her birthday. We always knew the date was just an estimate...and now that she knows it as her birthday, really it's just not something we want to mess with. (at this moment)

Anyway, in preparation for her birthday post, I looked back to see what I posted last year for her birthday (so I didn't use the same photos) and I was so sad to see I didn't even mention it. My baby turned 5 and I didn't' even mention it.

We had JUST gotten back from Ethiopia.

Life was crazy.

We didn't really do much to celebrate her birthday last year because of all the crazy. And she was surprisingly ok with that. We had a pinatta, a few cousins, I think Jodie and her kids...and of course cake, Emma loves cake. Looking back, I think Emma was just so happy to have us home. To have Will home.

Well this year we decided turning 6 was a big deal. Emma deserved a party, so she had her first big friend birthday party!

Seriously it was so amazing! I don't want to post pictures because I don't know if the parents would like that, but just picture one happy little Emma smiling ear to ear with all her friends around her. Beautiful. I told her she was glowing, she smiled a huge smile and said "and I'm sparkling too!"

It was so great to see her with her friends. To see how much they all adore her and to see how sweet she is to each of them. I was blown away by her incredible behavior....(we've been having some major issues lately, that I can't talk about now of course because birthday posts are simply meant for gushing )

My sweet, sweet baby.

I do love her so.

And I am so proud of her.

Emma is crazy smart. She is reading at a 2nd grade level! (hello, she's in kindergarten!) She loves to ask questions...like deep, deep, meaning of life type questions. She's always got something swirling around in her little brain. She is very guarded with her feelings but once she lets you in, it's like she lets you in on the best kept secret. She is sweeter than sweet. But is also very strong, passionate and determined. She's not afraid to stick up for herself or for anyone else. I love that about her. She has grown and changed so much over the past year. Really becoming a thoughtful and responsible little girl. She is also very silly and loves to play especially with dinosaurs. She loves Will more than anything in the whole world! She absolutely lights up when she tells people that her baby brother is from Ethiopia just like her...

Emma is star of the week at school this week. She asked me if I could come in to talk to her class about Ethiopia, "because you were just there and I can't remember because I was only a baby." I gladly said yes. She's been helping me pick out pictures to share which has given us a great opportunity to really talk about Ethiopia and about being adopted. I love the pride that she feels for Ethiopia. I hope that is something that always remains a part of her. She has already talked about wanting to go someday when she "gets like 13" (her version of when she's older). I can't wait to make that trip with her.

I know I'm biased because I'm her mom, but seriously have you ever seen a more gorgeous 6 year old???

Wordless Wednesday (home edition)

2011-03-09T06:27:00.004-06:00

Hair Today Gone tomorrow!

2011-03-06T20:40:00.012-06:00

Actually it was gone last week, just haven't had a chance to get to the pictures!

I was really really trying to get Will's hair to loc. For a few different reasons 1) I REALLY love the look of locs, and 2) I REALLY didn't want to cut his hair--I was dreading it in fact. I don't know why but I started to get all emotional whenever I even thought about cutting it... Like I was cutting away a tie to his heritage or something... I'm sure that sounds crazy, and it probably is, but that's me.

So Will was totally rocking the locs... He looked so sweet you could just eat him up!

Unfortunately or fortunately, depending at how you look at it I guess, Will has very soft textured hair.... B.E.A.U.T.I.F.U.L curls that take a REALLY long time and lots of effort to actually loc. I gave a good effort, really I tried...but considering that I have time to shower myself, only about every third day, and I have four other children's hair to have "done" everyday, finding time to twist and re twist Will's hair (never mind the challenge of getting him to sit still long enough to twisty twist twist) well the time just wasn't there.

Sooooooo....we said goodbye to the locs, washed and combed out his hair

Then a little snip snip.

And....

How stinking cute is he???? I can't even stand it! His curls are even curlier and his hair feels even softer! Plus I don't have to chase him around the house while twisting! The only problem is that he now looks like a full fledged toddler. sigh.

One Year

2011-03-05T23:30:00.002-06:00

One year ago from today Jud and I were in Ethiopia, meeting our son. Here's what I wrote about our first meeting while we were in Ethiopia. Part of me can't believe it's already been a year and the other part can't believe there was ever a time where Will was not in our family!

I love, love, love, this boy!

I never really shared many of our pictures from Ethiopia...life got a little difficult. I guess the one year mark is a good time to share, no?

Make an on-line slideshow at www.OneTrueMedia.com

Blech.

2011-02-27T20:50:00.003-06:00

I'm crabby.

So, so, incredibly crabby.

I sat down to write for a bit, but everything was coming out horrible and mean.

So I decided to make some changes to the old blog rather than dig myself a hole I may never be able to climb out of...

Like it?

eh. who cares.

A Change in the Weather Finally!

2011-02-14T13:10:00.000-06:00

We took full advantage of the beautiful weather this weekend and went sledding. The kids have been itching to go since we got all the snow a few weeks ago, but it's been waaaaay to cold to be outside for any length of time!

The big three even tried out the new snowboard!

Caroline clearly takes after me!

Jack was a natural!

Sam totally blew us away that he even wanted to TRY IT, much less make it all the way down!

hmmm... what've we been up to?

2011-02-11T20:02:00.011-06:00

Well let's see

Poor Sophie had a herniated a disc... revealed after an emergency trip to the vet! (never fun & never cheap)

No more jumping off the bed for her.

There was a Big game...

Jud was crazy s-i-c-k so we watched it solo at home.

But my dad was there!!!

Emma lost her first tooth! And then two days later lost her second!!

and then there's this...

yup they're sick!

Well, not this one...

So, we've been busy.

Snow Day

2011-02-02T13:33:00.002-06:00

An Artist....

2011-01-31T10:33:00.001-06:00

who likes to hide his work on the inside of closet doors!

Ten Years

2011-01-30T11:12:00.007-06:00

Monday October 23, 2000

Dear Caroline,

I am starting my 26th week of pregnancy and my 4th week of bed rest. I think about you constantly. I wonder what you'll look like, if you'll have hair. I worry if everything will be alright and you're healthy and if you'll stay put long enough...

Your Bubbie always says that she won't ever let you forget what a little shit you're being right now! Daddy just says your being a stubborn little girl just like me. We're all so excited to meet you...just not yet!

Lately you've really started moving around more. Last weeks ultrasound told us you're about 1lb.12oz. Nana was in town visiting (taking care of me) so she took me to the doctor appointment. She was able to see the ultrasound and hear your heartbeat. Her face lit up! She said it was the first time she had been apart of something like that, things are much different from when she was having babies! Having Nana here was really a big help. Helping with the house stuff to give daddy a break, and just keeping me company. I'm really glad she was here.

Sunday January 29, 2001

Sweet Baby Girl you're finally here!

Here are the details, before my brain turns to mush...

Dr. B was able to turn you around on Wed. Jan 24...OUCH! is all I'll say about that.

Then on my check up on Friday he said you were making good progress, so we could wait to see when you'd come, likely a few days yet, or since he was on call for the weekend we could induce on Sunday, you're actual due date...We chose to induce. In large part because I really wanted to be sure to have Dr. B there. After all we've been through with this pregnancy I couldn't imagine another doctor delivering you.

So, we went into the hospital at 5:30am and you were born at 5:01 pm Just in time for the kick off of the Super Bowl! Not even joking! Bubbie and I were laughing because she thought it was so sweet how Dr.B and Daddy were high five-ing only to realize that it was because of the game!

Bubbie and Nana (and Daddy of course) were in the delivery room when you were born. It was an amazing experience to say the least. The second I saw your face, I could feel my heart grow inside my chest. You were so beautiful, and wide eyed! For and hour after you were born, you just looked around. And I stared at you. My heart pounding.

and now she's ten. TEN.

Caroline is honestly a dream child. Always has been. Ever since she was a tiny baby there was always something about her. She sees, she knows, she understands. Like an old soul. Caroline is very empathetic, and true in the way she genuinely cares about other people and their feelings. She has such a kind and gentle heart.

This past year has been tough on her, with the loss of her Nana came her first real experience with death.

Not an easy thing to deal with at any age...but she's getting through and helping me and her brothers and sister along the way. She's like my mini-me sometimes when the real me is failing. She's a little mother, very nurturing.

One of my favorite things in the whole world, is the little heart to hearts Caroline and I have.

Sometimes we lay in her bed and talk about school, or friends or she'll ask questions about what's going on in the world, she's so honest and open about what she's feeling and experiencing...I hope that never changes. Our talks. Our honesty.

I dread the day she's too old to want to talk to me...

Because for now I still see this when I look at her.

and my heart pounds.

Wordless Wednesday

2011-01-26T07:19:00.002-06:00

7 years

2011-01-22T20:56:00.017-06:00

I just put Sam to bed. Well, actually like an hour ago but then I rocked Emma, searched the house for a lost bunny, walked Sam back to bed after a failed "drink of water" attempt and watched my big negotiators in a high stakes show down as their Monopoly game is nearing an end.

But now here I am. Thinking about 7 years ago.

7 years ago from this very night, I was sleepless, uncomfortable, had unbearable heartburn, charlie horses constantly in my calves, was fighting for rib space against this little kicker inside of me, felt like if the skin on my belly stretched anymore I could give birth through one of the stretchmarks, 40 weeks in and ready to be done embracing my last night of being with child.

I've heard of women who love being pregnant. Under different circumstances maybe this could have been me. My pregnancies were all high risk, and really no fun. This was my third, which meant I also had an almost 3 year old and a 1 1/2 year old trapped at home with me while I was on bed rest. By the end of this 40 weeks I was done. I not only had my doctor promise that he would induce me on my due date as not to go a single day past 40 weeks, but I also I made both he and Jud swear to never let this happen to me again... yup, one CRAZY pregnant lady!

So anyway, 7 years ago I was a mess. Not worried about the delivery or anything like that, I have a fabulous Doctor and had pretty easy (listen to me, easy? did I just say that?) deliveries in the past. I was worried because even though I had a plan for who was going to stay with Caroline and Jack from when we left for the hospital in the early morning until Jud came home sometime the next night. It was all falling apart.

The plan was for my sister to come down, but she was sick, like sick-sick. Since we don't have family close, situations like this always stress me out. Who do we call?

Up until now we were a two kid family, we didn't really use sitters yet!

My parents had left for Florida just a few days earlier (I've always thought for fear of the upcoming bris...but I can't be sure).

Well, thanks to a wonderful aunt and friend we managed to pull it off, but it did almost send me right over the edge...

Thinking about it now, I can remember clear as day. We were living in our cute blue house (like 4 houses ago). The nursery was yellow, with an incredible painting of our family including baby Sam, by Caroline, hanging above the adorable dresser that Jud stained (and I've since painted over...twice).

Life was good.

I didn't think it could get any better.

And then I saw this face!

I can't imagine our family without Sam.

I can't imagine me without Sam.

What can I tell you about Sam?

He's amazing. He's a character. He's smart. He's hilarious. He's sweet. He likes to snuggle. He's genuine. He's caring. He's funny. He's creative. He's an amazing artist. He loves to make people smile. He loves math. He loves to draw.

He is a gift!

And I am so thankful that 7 years ago he came into my life.

If you want to see some serious cuteness, this is from a few birthdays past...when I only had 4 kids and had time to do things like put together birthday video montages:) If you choose to watch, how many costumes do you see Sam in????

Make an on-line slide show at www.OneTrueMedia.com

Happy Birthday Sam! I love you!

He Talks!

2011-01-20T09:20:00.001-06:00

Please ignore my screechy voice.

Brilliant?

2011-01-17T08:45:00.002-06:00

Or worst purchase ever? We're still not sure.

Six Months.

2011-01-14T20:05:00.004-06:00

It's been six months since my mom died.

I found this on my computer today, it's what I read at her memorial service...it doesn't feel like six months ago already.

There's a saying that,

"life is more accurately measured by the lives you touch than the things you acquire"

I'm certain that anyone who knew her would agree, these words could have been written about our Mom's life.

In fact, as all eight of us kids have been talking over the past few days, one thing we all remember her saying repeatedly over the years is, "I don't need the lottery, I'm rich in kids...and I'm rich in Love."

Our mom was the most sincere and loving person that I've ever known.

Growing up I never once heard her talk about clothes or things.

I have no idea what her dream car would be or what designer she liked.

Because those things were seemingly unimportant to her.

Material things were irrelevant.

We were her life.

And she gave us everything she had.

She always, always put us first.

Before her needs or wants.

Before herself.

Since becoming a mother myself, I marvel even more at our mom, and all that she has accomplished.

I mean, working full time, raising eight relatively good kids, coaching our sports teams, and all that laundry!

I still just don't know how that's possible.

And what really blows my mind is that as soon as she walked in the door, after what I'm certain was a long day at work given her devotion to her job...she would start dinner.

Immediately.

For us.

And we're not talking frozen pizza or mac and cheese, like I may feed my kids. I mean serious meat and potato type meals.

Every night.

Well, except for bowling league night!

Which meant tuna fruit cocktail !!!!

This would account for why, til this day I still can't stomach even the smell of tuna!

Our mom spent her life caring for others.

She would often go out of her way to reach those who were in need...whether that meant people from work, or friends, or any of us kids. Or maybe even an underage grandchild who found themselves in a bit of a bind...!

We all knew she was there for us, whatever the reason or circumstance.

She loved us all.

Truly.

Completely.

Unconditionally.

She reveled in all of her children's accomplishments.

But she also hurt along with us in all of our sorrows.

It was always obvious that she felt sheer joy and delight in spending time with us.

Every time we'd leave her house we'd hear, "why are you leaving so soon?" and "when are you coming back?"

I'm sure that part of wanting all of us kids around, was actually more about wanting her grandchildren around!

Her grandchildren were bringing new joy to her life.

A joy that illuminated her face every time one of them showed up at the cottage.

With 23 grandchildren, let's just say she was invited to more than her fair share of grandparent's days at school, spring concerts, parts in school plays and oh the sporting events!

But every time she was invited.

She was there.

Happily.

With a proud smile on her face.

She loved you all. Please don't ever forget that.

As Albert Einstein said, "Our death is not an end, if we can live on in our children and the younger generation. For they are us. Our bodies are only wilted leaves on the tree of life."

So let us put our own sadness aside, and let today be a joyous celebration of her life...

I loved her with all my heart, and will truly miss her.

Goodnight Mom.

God Bless I Love You

Picking up the pieces.

2011-01-13T12:05:00.001-06:00

Where to start?

It's been so long.

I guess I never really wrote about our Christmas. Partly for lack of time but mostly for lack of words. I seem to have very little of both lately.

Also, I'm not really sure who's reading and when I'm thinking of getting pretty personal, it's a little frightening to put it all out there. Don't worry, no nude photos or anything. I wouldn't do that to you!

I've just found that I'm better at working through thoughts and emotions by writing them. I often write things, I haven't even been able to talk to Jud about. Not by any fault of his. He's a talker. I'm the one that's not.

So this blog is my therapy I guess. I get things out, put them out there, and then I can talk about them. And I've got some things to get out.

Before I get started, if you're reading this because it was an adoption blog, I'm pretty sure we're done. And if you're someone I went to grade school with whom I haven't talked to in 25 years, who is only reading because it showed up on your Facebook page, once I can figure out how to un-network the blog I think I will. Don't get me wrong, you are all still welcome to read, in fact I hope most of you do. I guess I've just been feeling weird about having it on Facebook. To in your face for me...

So, on we go.

Christmas was very difficult. My sisters really wanted to have everyone at my Dad's house...if it weren't for the fact that the kids REALLY wanted to see their cousins, I think we would have stayed home.

I wasn't ready to be there. I didn't want to be there.

But, since we didn't go for Thanksgiving, we went.

In order to just make it through the day, I sort of shut down. All my emotions, feelings, everything. It took some real control, like crazy denial kind of control, so I started preparing for the shutdown about a week before Christmas. Yes, I realize it may seem childish but it's the only way I could be there. On that day. Without her.

I sort of blocked everything out. Made myself numb.

Christmas morning, watching the kids excitement as they came tearing down the stairs, I laughed. But inside, I wasn't really laughing.

As they ripped through the wrapping paper only to reveal their most favorite, top of the list, bestest gifts ever, they'd look up with a huge smile and yell "yes!" Excitedly I'd say, something like oh my gosh, that's just what you wanted with a big smile back at them. But behind the smile, nothing.

More of the same when we got to my dad's house. Didn't talk much. Smiled. Laughed. When my sisters asked if I wanted to go the mausoleum with them, I simply said, no.

Denial. Denial. Denial.

I hate how I let denial, grief, sadness whatever, take away that day to really BE with my kids. In hindsight, I regret burring my emotions hmm, I guess in general as how I handle things, not just recently over Christmas. It's taken a toll on me. My relationships. You can only push so much down, for so long before there's an eruption of some sort.

New Years was better because I didn't go anywhere or do anything.

Jud was gone to see the Rosebowl in CA so I was home with the kids.

I'll tell you, without these kids of mine, I don't know how I would have made it through this past year much less the holidays. On New Year's Eve Caroline went to a friends but called me on her new ipod touch to video chat so I wasn't all alone. That girl, I do love her so.

Being alone, or as alone as you can be with 5 kids, for a few days was actually kind of nice. It gave me lots of time to think about everything I've been avoiding thinking about. I spent hours looking at old photos. I cried for a good long time. I took the time to think and reflect on the past year. I thought about what I've learned about myself, as a friend, a wife, a mother, a sister and a daughter.

This Friday it will have been six months since she died.

It still hurts everyday.

I still feel broken.

But I'm starting to pick up the pieces.

Getting ready to put things back together.

Although, I don't think I'll ever be the same person I was before.

I've come to realize that losing your mother changes who you are.

I guess I'm still working on discovering just what has changed, maybe what still needs to change, and what needs to be mended.

I know that I need to let myself feel the hurt in order to start moving forward...but that's a very difficult thing to do.

But I'm getting there.

Wordless Wednesday

2011-01-12T09:55:00.000-06:00

This is a big deal folks!

2011-01-06T10:11:00.002-06:00

The little boy who NEVER stops moving, has actually started PLAYING with toys!!!!!

Oh please let this mean that daily showers are once again in my future...

T'was the night before Christmas...

2010-12-24T23:40:00.003-06:00

Not a creature was stirring....

Little Will, Rock'n the Locs

2010-12-24T19:11:00.004-06:00

Sorry Bubbie, I keep trying to get pictures for you, but this boy doesn't. stop. moving.

Here's the best I can do...

Wordless Wednesday

2010-12-22T08:44:00.002-06:00

We're beginning to look a lot like a circus!

2010-12-20T18:39:00.002-06:00

They Wait

2010-12-19T20:47:00.007-06:00

Anyone who has adopted, has thought of adopting or knows someone who has adopted, knows that adoption is not for the faint at heart. It is a roller coaster ride like no other with emotional highs and stomach turning lows...followed by lots of tears and second guessing. If you're one of the lucky ones this ride will only last a year or two, and even though it has drained every bit of savings you once had, you won't have to get a second mortgage on your house.

Don't get me wrong, I am so thankful, grateful, honored to have gone through this process. Besides the fact that I have two amazing and beautiful little people in my life because of adoption, I also know that I am a different, stronger, more involved person than I once was. I think about things more deeply. I hurt about things I never even thought about before. I want to be a part of change. I want to speak up when things are not right.

And that brings me to the point of this post.
.
My good friend Carrie and her husband are one of 56 American Families facing heartbreak due to U.S. policy in Nepal. These families are struggling to bring home their legally adopted children who are stuck in Nepal awaiting visas that will allow them to enter the U.S. Some families are stranded in Kathmandu -- many since August, 2010. Other parents wait anxiously in the U.S. while their adopted children remain in orphanages, knowing that every day spent in an orphanage is a developmental disaster.

click hereto read about these children waiting to come home to their families.

I simply can't imagine.

Please help these families read and sign this petition

More voices=More noise=change

Not long ago the Us was denying visas to children from Ethiopia who were HIV+ But voices multiplied and the message was finally heard. Change happened because of those voices. Please stand up for these families. For these children.

Wordless Wednesday

2010-12-15T08:27:00.002-06:00

Wordless Wednesday

2010-12-08T12:18:00.002-06:00

World Aids Day

2010-11-30T20:52:00.007-06:00

December 1st is World Aids Day. Did you know that? I wish more people did. I was fully intending on writing a very thoughtful post about how important this day is, unfortunately I am knee deep in sick kids right now so time is of the essence. I will however encourage you to read Lisa's incredible and inspiring words.

December 1st is World AIDS Day. Does it matter to us? Should it matter? Many of us have lived unaffected by HIV/AIDS, but in Ethiopia, my children’s birthplace, there may not be a single person who can say that. Every day children are orphaned by this incurable but treatable disease; they are left to raise their siblings, left on the street, left to a neighbor’s kindness,or left at the gate of an orphanage. They cry, they starve, they suffer, and many of them do not yet know that they too are infected with this virus.

What can you do?

1. Read

If you only have time to read one book, I recommend There Is No Me Without You: One Woman’s Odyssey to Rescue Her Country’s Children. Written by an adoptive mother, the book tells the story of one Ethiopian woman who responded to the AIDS orphan crisis with practical compassion. It is a compelling and interesting read.

If you have time for two books, get 28: Stories of AIDS in Africa by Stephanie Nolen. My exposure to AIDS in Africa had been limited primarily to Ethiopia, but this book features a short story about 28 different people across the continent and how AIDS has affected them. 28: Stories of AIDS in Africa will give you a quick education about HIV/AIDS in a captivating style.

2. Learn

Visit the From HIV to Home website, to find great information including our free webinar and audioconference. You can also read Family Stories about families who have adopted children living with HIV.

If you have 30 seconds, go to my HIV Fact page and get the facts.

Take three minutes to watch Truth Pandemic by Project Hopeful; make sure your knowledge about HIV/AIDS isn’t stuck in the eighties.

3. Shop

Shop with a purpose. Christmas will be here soon and this year you can purchase gifts that will benefit children with HIV/AIDS.

At From HIV to Home we have some great new earrings available for a donation of $30.

4. Care

If it all seems remote to you, take a few moments to watch my family’s video of our Ethiopian adoption. I know I don’t write about HIV/AIDS much, but our lives have been forever changed by this virus. I am so thankful to God that we learned there was nothing to fear about HIV, and I feel honored that God trusted us to adopt our children who are HIV+.

5. Adopt

Consider adopting an HIV+ child. It isn’t as hard as you think! The last four years have seen an explosion in the number of families adopting HIV+ children. When we began the process, a handful of HIV+ children had been adopted from our daughters’ orphanage. Now, the children are finding families very quickly. For more information on HIV+ adoption, contact Adoption Advocates International or one of the other agencies placing HIV+ children.

Don’t wait until December 1st to wear a red ribbon. Do something today and when World AIDS Day arrives, you will be ready to tell somebody else what it is all about. Please feel free to share this post and spread the word about World AIDS Day. My family thanks you for caring.

Truth Pandemic

2010-11-27T19:24:00.001-06:00

I just saw this and it struck me.

Truth Pandemic

Thanksgiving

2010-11-27T10:35:00.010-06:00

This was the first holiday since my mom died. I won't lie, it was a tough day. But the days leading up to it, I could feel it, I knew it was going to be difficult, so we decided to hunker down and stay close to home...

Jud did a lot of this

The kids and I did a bit of this

I cried when I saw these

and this

and this

My brother Frank surprised me and drove down to spend the day with us. I'm really glad he did! And the kids were too!
It was a bit bizarre for them to spend a holiday without heaps of family around! So poor Frank looked like this for most of his visit!

Wordless Wednesday

2010-11-23T05:54:00.003-06:00

Oops! it's actually only Tuesday! Yeah it's been that sort of week!

Grief.

2010-11-22T12:39:00.008-06:00

I never imagined that this would be so hard. Not that I ever imagined my mom dying. But when she did, and my heart felt like it was broken into a million pieces, I thought eventually it would get better. I would grieve and then I would heal. I would find a place in my heart to hold all of my memories, and I would feel happy when those memories surfaced. But none of this seems to be happening.

I feel stuck.

I still feel sad. And angry.

I still cry everyday.

I've been trying to just keep pushing through. But I end up walking around in an emotional haze. I feel like most of the time, even when I'm smiling, I'm holding back tears.

I feel guilty when I'm happy. I wonder if that's normal.

This morning on the drive to school it was pouring rain. Suddenly the memory of driving in the rain that night in July to be by my mom's side was all I could think of. Now I can't stop thinking about it. That night. The nights leading up to it. It's paralyzing.

I remember a very wise friend who wrote about this

The Kübler-Ross grief cycle

I don't know, maybe this is all normal. But it doesn't make it suck any less.

Wordless Wednesday

2010-11-17T08:38:00.002-06:00

So they say it's my birthday...

2010-11-15T20:57:00.004-06:00

It was overall a nice day.

Birthdays just aren't as much fun once you pass 30.

I spent the day thinking a lot about my mom. Thinking 33 years ago, she gave me life. She used to call bright and early and sing Happy Birthday... Something I probably rolled my eyes at, but today I really missed it. I missed her. The sound of her voice.

I watched my "life" video that my sister Kristin made me for my 30th birthday. I was reminded of how many lovely, wonderful people I have in my life.

Other than that the day was pretty much just another Monday. School, laundry, chase Will around all day, guitar lessons...I did refuse to go to the grocery store, because I hate the grocery store more than anything, and well, it's my birthday and I didn't want to go! So we ordered Subs and Jud brought home a chocolate cheesecake, my favorites!

The kids all made beautiful cards that made my heart smile...

I skyped for the first time with my sister...

And now I'm enjoying reading all my birthday wishes on Facebook while Jud is snuggled in next to me.

pretty good day.

Wordless Wednesday

2010-11-10T09:27:00.003-06:00

Love

2010-11-09T09:35:00.003-06:00

Emma is turning into quite the Daddy's girl lately. She went to the theatre with her class last week, Jud had taken the morning off so that one of us could go with her, while the other stayed home with the little munchkin. I was secretly hoping to go, but Emma really wanted Daddy to go. Sigh.

Look how sweet they look though.

Beauty.

Will just pointed to the screen and yelled, "DADDY"! Then with his little finger he pointed at Emma and with a big grin said, "mommy!" Yup, he finally says mommy only, it's what he calls Emma not me. Sigh. Oh well, we're working on it!

Just in case you need a smile too...

2010-11-08T13:26:00.003-06:00

Halloween

2010-10-31T20:28:00.003-05:00

We originally had big plans for the weekend.

At the last minute plans changed.

At first I was really sad about it, and the kids were totally bummed too. But then we realized this meant we had a whole weekend together with no plans! The house was clean, laundry was caught up on and we had the fridge and cupboards fully stocked! That almost never happens, so we took full advantage. We played tons of board games, legos, spent hours coloring guys, I even laid on the couch for awhile, I can't remember the last time I did that! It was cold outside, but nice. The kids played outside quite a bit. They play so well together. Listening to them making up games, running all over the place searching for things, it just makes me smile. They love each other so much.

Today we had another family in the area over that is leaving next week for their first trip to Ethiopia. They seemed like such a great family, I look forward to meeting their daughters one day!

In the end it turned out to be a perfect weekend.

How could it not be with these kids?

Alright Bubbie, so here are the pictures I promised!

Will is getting so big and soooo goofy!

Emma was just beyond excited that Halloween was finally here! Happiest dinosaur ever.

Caroline wanted to go the freaky route.

Jack and Sam had to go as something that "went together" They do everything together, they even shared one trick or treat bag!

It ended up being so nice outside, even the little dragon went along for the ride

Even in costumes they melt my heart!

Maybe things work out for the best sometimes...this was the perfect weekend!

Just what this family needed!

My Family

2010-10-26T12:54:00.001-05:00

I've been thinking about all of them a lot lately.

About our childhoods. Our differences. Our similarities.

What we've all been through this past year, and how differently we've all coped.

This week my sister Jean told me she read my blog.

I was surprised because she doesn't normally read it.

She said she cried and that we're feeling many of the same things...

We're not much for talking, my family and I, well, not about feelings and stuff.

I've pulled away somewhat from them. Which I know isn't right, but it's hard. Anything family related brings up feelings of loss and sadness and memories of my mom.

When were all together, there's still someone missing.

There's a huge void.

it's tough.

A few weeks ago I went home for a luncheon where my mom was being honored. It was a big deal. My sisters, and sisters in law were there. It was a fundraiser for something my mom would have been so incredibly proud to be a part of. Because that's what she was all about. Helping others. Touching lives.

Afterwards I went to my dad's house. - Even writing that it feels weird. I always used to say my mom's house, and my dad's cottage...

-anyway

I stopped because it had been a while since I saw my dad. I check on him through my sisters, who are there.

Everyday.

One of them is always there, checking on him, doing laundry, paying bills, grocery shopping, etc. etc. etc ....My sister Karin actually just drove from Wisconsin to Florida this week with my dad to keep him company and get him settled. If that doesn't scream good daughter, I don't know what does.

When I stopped after the luncheon though, he wasn't home.

The house was so quiet.

Empty.

So I laid in their bed.

in her spot. basically untouched in the past three months.

I thought back to those last days. in that bed.

I tried to smell her smell...but it's fading.

As I laid in their bed, I was struck by the memory of a conversation I overheard my dad having with a woman from their church who came to visit one of those last days. My dad, who is typically very NOT emotional about things, broke down a bit, when he was talking about what it meant to have all of us kids there. What it meant to my mom. I remember him saying, "this is what it's all about...I don't know how people can get through times like these without their children." Then he chuckled and said something like," now I know why she wanted so many!"

We are all lucky. to have each other.

Wordless Wednesday

2010-10-20T14:03:00.002-05:00

Inquiring minds want to know...

2010-10-16T08:15:00.000-05:00

Sweet, sweet, Tesi How she has time to blog I don't know...This hot momma has FIVE gorgeous kids AND she's a work out queen. I don't hold the workout thing against her! She's way cool! And hilarious! I can't wait to actually meet her in person! Ten of the cutest kids in the whole wide world together in one place, I don't know if the world is ready for that kind of beauty!

Anyhoo, Tesi has given me a little kick in the pants to get back to the old blog by tagging me in a survey. I'm sure you're all on the edge of your seats so here goes....

1) What is your biggest pet peeve?
I would have to say ignorance.

2) If you could live anywhere in the world where would it be and why?
I was going to say Hawaii, but Jack is sitting next to me and just said "no way, Hawaii has volcanoes!" So now I don't know. I would love to live somewhere warm, but I don't think I could be too far from my family either. I guess anywhere is paradise as long as I have Jud and these awesome kids...even if it is a frozen paradise!

3) Have you ever been searched by the cops?
Jack is next to me and yelled "NO!" so we'll go with that!

4) What is the one thing on your mind right now?
There is never just one thing! Do normal people only have one thing on their minds? Is there something wrong with my brain that I have like a bazillion things on my mind at all times? Great, now I'm worried that I'm crazy!

5) Favorite song right now?
Um, I have no idea what the name of it is, my awesome sister Kristin makes CDs for me...filled with music that I love, but I never know the names of the songs. Right now I'm listening to a CD she made after seeing Sam Brooker and his friends. mmmm Sam Brooker.

6) What talent do you wish you had?

Two things. I wish I knew how to crochet or knit, like my mom. And I wish I could play guitar, like my dad.

7) Favorite drink?
There's nothing like that first cup of coffee in the morning. Especially when Jud makes it!

8) In one word how would you describe yourself?

Broken.

Now I pick a few bloggers to pass the torch...Tesi said 8 but heck I don't think I have 8 friends!

Charlotte- because the world needs Charlotte to blog! at least I do! and really, it's not like anything big is going on in her life!
Christina- because she is one of the sweetest people I hope to ever meet!
Michele- selfishly I hope she includes a picture of the cutest little peanut...oh I could just eat him up!
Lisa- because I have learned so much from her. She is one of the wisest most loving moms on earth and I would love to learn more about her.

Having fun with the new computer!

2010-10-16T07:24:00.006-05:00

Back in the Saddle

2010-10-09T22:51:00.000-05:00

You know, I really love this whole blog thing.

Really. I do.

I know you must doubt my love, because of the lack of posts...

But trust me, I do.

Blogging seems to help me get my thoughts together. Something, truthfully, I've always had a hard time with.

It's kind of like talking to myself, but not so crazy like.

Each day, as life happens, I constantly think, I should blog about that...then through out the day, thoughts stir around in my head. After the kids go to bed I can usually sit down and quickly type what thoughts I've gathered throughout the day.

I think there's something therapeutic about it.

I can get things out, actually share them with other people, but not even have to say them out loud.

Recently, blogging has been my voice when I felt like I couldn't speak.

I do love it.

But man, once you stop writing for awhile it really is tough to get back into it.

I don't know where to start.

Usually, once I get an idea for a post I focus on it. I think about it. I may need to set these ideas aside while I'm helping the kids with homework or giving baths, but when things quiet down I can pick up right where I left off.

But not now.

I can't focus on anything for very long. Every thought, every topic, somehow comes back to my mom.

I feel stuck because I don't want to focus on my sadness or this awful pain in my heart. That's not what I intended this blog to be. That deep and dark. But on the other hand, if I don't write about it, I feel like I'm not really being honest about anything.

There are so many great moments with the kids throughout the day, and many exciting things happening around here. I've started a few posts so one of these days I'll catch you up!

Oh and, my sister Kristin just turned 40! We had the most fabulous surprise party for her a few weeks ago. It was so awesome to have my whole family together to celebrate. Definitely reminds me how lucky I am to have such a big crazy loving family. They're pretty incredible! And fun too!

.

A day late.

2010-10-06T11:30:00.001-05:00

Hope you'll forgive me...

Happy Birthday Kristin!!!

A Real Post

2010-09-30T20:46:00.004-05:00

Will come soon. I swear. I've actually had lots of thoughts, just no time to complete them! And to add to my ongoing battle with the laundry demon, we had an invasion of bed bugs. Totally sucked! But we are finally (fingers crossed) bug free, and within a few loads of being caught up on laundry...yeah, like that will ever happen:)

Anyway, for tonight I just wanted to share some new family photos!

Ever get tired of playing catch up?

2010-09-13T19:19:00.005-05:00

I feel like it's all I do.

Maybe I'm just running in circles all day, because I don't seem to be getting anywhere.

The house, the laundry, the paperwork from school, it's never done. Not for one second.

I swear I'm not normally a whiner like this, it's just I have a feeling that I'm not the only mom who feels like the months of August and September totally suck-- er' I mean, wipe you out!

You know right?

Like in August we do back to school shopping. Meaning we run around like insane bats outta hell looking all over town for certain colored folders, which apparently very few stores carry and even fewer have in stock. Then we spend hours labeling every single f-ing thing that goes into each backpack, being careful of course not to mix up what color folder goes into which backpack! Oh, how much do you love the labeling???

Of course we put off laundry and other fun stuff like grocery shopping or cleaning in order to get all of this school stuff done, then once it's all done we want to do fun stuff with the kids before summer is over and they are all in school all day so once again we put off anything that can possibly wait just a wee bit longer. By this point guests are not allowed to use any of the upstairs bathrooms because of their disturbingly awful conditions.

Still with me?

Then comes September. The kids are in school all day, you have plenty of time to get caught up, right? right?

wrong. not me.

Will does not like to clean. Nor does he like to fold laundry. Unfold yes. Helpful? No.

He's a mover. He does not stop.ever. He likes to stay very busy emptying cupboards, hiding shoes, inspecting outlets and of course playing sink or float with random objects in the toilet. So basically, if Will's awake my eyes are on him. This means the only time I have to switch/fold/put away laundry, clean bathrooms, or work on any of the other gazillion projects I have, is during his nap...which varies from 1 1/2 - 2 hours.

No worries though, according to my calculations Jud should have clean dress socks in his drawer by next Christmas!

Wordless Wednesday

2010-09-01T09:28:00.001-05:00

Wordless Wednesday (almost)

2010-08-25T07:55:00.002-05:00

beautiful gift, from a beautiful friend.

Have I mentioned?

2010-08-13T09:02:00.003-05:00

HE WALKS!!!

EVERYWHERE!!!

Wordless Wednesday

2010-08-11T07:33:00.003-05:00

One day at a time.

2010-08-10T11:33:00.000-05:00

I'm doing ok.

I'm trying to do ok.

I'm trying to enjoy the summer that is left with the kids.

This has all taken a toll on them too. I know that.

Early on in the summer they agreed to forgo all of the summer activities they had just begun to enjoy...swimming, golf, tennis, play dates at the park, so that I could spend as much time as possible with my mom.

I have incredibly loving children.
They saw me hurting, and struggling over how to juggle everything... I think it was Caroline that said "let's just move to the cottage for the summer!"
I am so grateful.

The last few weeks, I've tried to get our daily summer routine to include fun stuff for us to do together. Taking walks to the park, going to the zoo, or the pool...

But it's not easy.

I'm not the mom I usually am. But I'm trying.

I have a picture of my mom next to the seat in my car. It was the picture we gave to the funeral home to see what her typical hair and makeup looked like.

It's a beautiful picture of her. That somehow ended up in my car.

I can't bare to remove it.

Every time I'm driving, I look over and see her beautiful smile.

It makes me smile.

Then flashes of memories...and a huge lump in my throat. Pain in my heart. My eyes well up with tears. If I'm alone in the car I let them fall.

I miss her.

Maybe it would be easier if I just took the photo out...

but I don't want it to be easy.

I don't want to forget.

On the other hand I don't want to let grief take over my life either.

When the kids are around me, I can't help but laugh and smile. They are so full of life and love. They fill me up. One smile, one hug, one "I love you" at a time.

This is hard stuff. Losing a parent is hopefully the hardest thing I'll have to experience in my life.

I'm lucky to have an incredibly supportive husband. Who's allowing me the time and space to figure out this whole grief process at a pace I can handle. And who's willing to hold me up, when I feel like I can't go on. Who is so kindly tolerating all of the 15,000 projects I've started around the house in order to keep busy, even if it means a seemingly endless 'To Do List' for him!

My loving friends, who even though there's nothing they can say to ease the pain, they're still here. With a hug, a card, a phone call.

It all helps.

I'm getting there. One day at a time.

Wordless Wednesday

2010-08-04T08:53:00.002-05:00

pause.

2010-07-31T19:41:00.007-05:00

I feel like time should stand still. Just for a little while. Give my head and my heart time to process everything that has happened in the past two months.

It all happened so quickly.

I think I'm stuck somewhere between shock and disbelief, and overwhelming pain and sorrow.

I continue to replay the last few weeks over and over in my mind each night. There are many moments that stand out. That give me a sense of peace--well I guess as close to peace as I can be for right now... and then there are also those moments that pierce my heart and steal the air from my lungs.

I think about how she was not alone, not for one second, since she first went into the hospital. All of her children surrounded her with love, just as she has always surrounded us. From time to time she would actually look around the room and count, to see if we were all there... She loved having all of us there. The night she died was no exception. She waited. She waited until all eight of us were there, in her bedroom, right by her side. It was perfect and beautiful. Exactly the way she wanted.

I think about the many conversations we had in the last weeks and days, just the two of us. Her words will stay with me forever. Hearing her say that my children, are happy and wonderful children, because of what a good mom I am... that was a true treasure.

I can honestly say that in a matter of weeks, we had more meaningful, in depth, real, conversations, than we had had in a very long time.

It gave me such joy, relief, peace, whatever, to be able to have that connection with her again.

I had my mom back.

I knew it was just for a short time, but she was there. More clear and herself, than she had been in a very long time.

I guess I should back track.

When my mom was admitted into the hospital, they determined that not only was her oxygen level dangerously low but her carbon dioxide level was dangerously high...they suspected that this severe imbalance had taken quite some time to get to the point that it was, and that this dangerous combination had left her brain, basically starving for oxygen...for quite awhile.

It kind of made sense...

You see,

The past few years, my mom was different.

there were

changes

slowing progressing.

She was getting very forgetful. And frustrated.

My siblings and I had all noticed these changes. Something was different. She was different. Not herself.

We talked to her about it. Talked to our dad about it. Even talked to her physician about it.

It didn't go well. She was very upset. defensive. felt like we were accusing her of being crazy or worse, having Alzheimer's. The doctor basically dismissed everything we said. (reason 5,647 why I'm not a big fan of small town doctors.) He tried to convince us that this was just normal forgetfulness that comes with the natural progression of age. Our carefully detailed outline of examples and concerns, out the window.

I was pissed.

I knew in my heart that something was going on. Something was stealing my mom away from me. I hated it.

Still

Years went by.

Lots of little things happened, easily dismissed I guess. Then a few bigger things...they would start up the conversations again. But eventually, due to her insistence, the conversations would stop...or at least they would stop in front of her.

It began to get increasingly more difficult for me to be around her for extended periods of time. And she knew that. Obviously. I wasn't very good at hiding my frustrations. If she forgot one of the kids birthdays, or called to tell me some story that she had already called earlier that day to tell me, I would always call her out on it. I didn't let anything slide. If she came back from the grocery store after 2 hours with one bag, I'd ask her if she got lost. I didn't back down. If I couldn't come up with a snide remark after she was confused about one thing or another, I would just shake my head and roll my eyes.

This is what I'm having a hard time with right now.

The regret of my actions.

I regret being such a pain in her ass for the past few years. I regret waisting time making her feel belittled or unappreciated.

I regret pushing her so hard.

Selfishly, I wanted the prepared for anything mom I grew up with, not the confused and disheveled woman I was beginning to see.

But it was still her.

I just didn't look close enough.

I always focused on what was missing, rather than what was still there.

I will regret that for the rest of my life...

I keep wondering.

what if?

what if she knew?

What if she knew something was going on?

What if the ending was inevitable, but she chose the way to go?

She was smart like that.

I wouldn't put it past her.

Really?

2010-07-23T07:00:00.003-05:00

It just keeps getting better and better.

Nice.

Dancing with Angels

2010-07-13T10:47:00.009-05:00

Patrica Jean Vandenhouten

August 30, 1938 - July 14, 2010

Memories surround me
But sadness has found me
I'd do anything for more time
Never before has someone meant more
And I can't get you out of my mind
There is so much that I don't understand
But I know

You're dancing with the angels
Walking in new life
You're dancing with the angels
Heaven fills your eyes
Now that you're dancing with the angels

You had love for your family
Love for all people
Love for the Father, and Son
Your heart will be heard
In your unspoken words
Through generations to come
There is so much that I don't understand
But I know

You're dancing with the angels
Walking in new life
You're dancing with the angels
Heaven fills your eyes
Now that you're dancing with the angels

We're only here for such a short time
So I'm gonna stand up
Shout out
And sing Hallelujah
One day I'll see you again

Holding on tight. Preparing to let go.

2010-07-10T22:59:00.001-05:00

The past few weeks have been a blur. I feel like I'm in a fog most of the time. When I'm at home, I'm wondering how things are going at my mom's. When I'm here I'm wondering how the kids are doing at home.

I'm learning a lot about myself. How I grieve. And I have to say it's not pretty. Nor is it good for my marriage. I know it's been hard on Jud, I just have nothing left to give. I feel empty. He wants to help, desperately. But he can't. He wants to listen, but I can't talk. He wants to hold me, but I can't stop moving. Because when I stop, it hurts. Terribly. When I stop, I start to think about what it's going to feel like when I wake up one morning, very soon, and she won't be here. I won't be able to see her, call her. She'll be gone. Forever. I will have lost my mother.

So I keep moving.

This week I've spent every minute I could with her, with my brothers and sisters and my dad. I've learned just how much we need each other. I've learned that I'm not the only one who has this insane way of coping with grief. My sisters and I have all been busy pacing around the house, washing windows, mowing the lawn anything to keep from stopping for too long. One of my brothers and I had a great late night talk/cry. It felt good. I think I'm getting there.

I can see how at peace my mom is. It's very comforting. She made sure to tell us all how proud she is of us and how much she loves us and that she'll be watching over all of us. When I asked her if she was afraid, she just smiled and said, "oh, not really."

Right now I'm just holding on tight but at the same time preparing to let go... I only wish I had an ounce of her strength and courage.

Grief. It's what's for dinner

2010-06-27T20:34:00.014-05:00

It has the power unlike any other emotion to completely shut you down. Hard and Fast.

It leaves you questioning the point in anything. Making it difficult to find the motivation to even get out of bed each morning.

Time

2010-06-22T22:36:00.002-05:00

Well it's been a rough few weeks. To say the least.

As some of you may know, my mom has not been feeling well for some time.

( This is what I wrote about my mom last year...)

They thought it was pnemonia.

It's not.

It's Cancer.

Stage four lung cancer.

I can honestly without a doubt say that this has been
THE WORST WEEK OF MY ENTIRE LIFE.
I feel completely helpless.

There's nothing I can say. Nothing I can do.

I just want to be with her. When I'm sitting in the room with her I just want to climb into that hospital bed with her, just like when I was little and I'd sneak into her room in the middle of the night...But then I remember I'm not a littl girl anymore.

Suddenly, I don't know where the years have gone.

I'm filled with regrets.

I thought we'd have more time.

I don't know how to do this.

Wordless (almost) Wednesday

2010-06-16T07:22:00.001-05:00

So Proud of Aunt Miriam!

he may have fright issues when he's older, thanks to his big sister

2010-06-03T20:42:00.003-05:00

Wordless Wednesday

2010-06-02T07:07:00.003-05:00