Tuesday, May 15, 2012

Mother's Day

This is what I wrote about Mother's Day last year

Again this year, the day itself and the days leading up to it were indeed bittersweet.

I have so much to be thankful for.  Obviously.  My five healthy and happy kids.  Who again showered me with sweet homemade gifts and cards and letters that not only made me cry....like real true ugly cry,  but also made me wonder how on earth I got so lucky to have these five wonderful little people love me.  Just me. Because I'm their mom.  They don't see my flaws. They just see love.  They look up to me and trust me.  They love me right back.  Because I am their mom.  

And for that I am so grateful.

Of course this being only the second Mother's Day spent without my mom....this day also brings many different thoughts, feelings, emotions and so many memories of her up to the surface.   Not that they're not always there, I don't think one day has gone by that I don't think about her or talk to her,  but on Mother's Day all these things just seem to run...deeper.  more intense.

I guess looking back at what I wrote last year, I can say this year I felt differently about Mother's Day.  Hopeful sign of progress?  Last year I was so focused on my loss.   I was devistated.  Lost.  Broken.  Angry.  And in many ways I still am all of those things, but I am also so much more.....

This Mother's Day my focus,  my thoughts, were on her.   Her life.  What made her happy.  What qualities made her such an exceptional mother and grandmother.

This year the constant stream of memories were so much more sweet than bitter.  I have so many memories of her, of her funny quirks, her smile, her laughter, her constant desire to be surrounded by her family....

The way she lived her life and even the way she accepted her own dying she taught me so much.  About life, about love, about being a mother.

Again, I am so grateful.

For the time we did have.

For all that I've learned from her life.

1 comment:

Katie said...

beautifully written Jess. You have such a gift in writing... very belated Happy Mother's Day to you. You have raised, I would argue, five of the most adorable and caring kiddos on the planet. I hope I can instill those same values in miss Stella. See you this summer!! Stella wore the dress Caroline, Emma and you picked out to a wedding and she looked adorable...got tons of compliments :)