Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Random Ramblings

I have so much swirling around in my head these days.   Lots of big things and even more not so big things.    There's lots of post potential in there.

Like maybe a birthday post for Jack who turned 9 the first week of May?   I'm way behind.

Maybe I could do a post about how difficult it's been lately with Jud traveling so much....honestly, I have NO IDEA how single moms or moms who's husbands travel or work ALL THE TIME do it.  This is EXHAUSTING!

And I've also been thinking a lot about friendships lately.   About how sometimes you find them in the strangest of places.   Or how sometimes a sweet gesture from a friend can lift you up when you hadn't even realized you were falling.

I still want to finish the post that I've been working on for EVER about Jodie.  My dear friend who's been such an amazing support for me over the past two years.    Except now,  rather than being the post about how thankful I am to have her in my life and how I hope to be a better friend to her like she's always been to me, now it's turning into a farewell post.   Because she's moving. Sigh.

I've been having thoughts about whether or not we're really DONE done. (shhh don't tell Jud)

And I've been doing a lot of thinking about Emma and some difficulties she's been having for quite some time.    I know that many of you will be able to relate and likely have good advice,  but I just haven't been able to write quite what I'm wanting to yet.

I've been thinking of a friend who is preparing to bring her daughter home.    I know she's a worrier like me, so I've been racking my brain to think of ways I can be helpful to her from afar.   I may need to take another trip to DC this summer :)

I've been thinking of the fragility of life,  as my Aunt  prepares to say goodbye to her husband and best friend, not even a year after saying goodbye to her sister.    My heart breaks for her.  

My mind is full of thoughts.

But instead of spending all my spare time (insert sarcasm here) working on these posts, I've been reading these books.

I've got ADD on the brain.   And man this is some crazy shit!

I joke, but really this has been a big deal.    In many ways it feels like the missing piece of the puzzle.   Sort of helps make sense of  so many thoughts, feelings, reactions and emotions but it also forces me to really LOOK at the finished puzzle.   And something all these books are telling me, "adults with ADD are their own harshest critics"   Makes a lot of sense.   

It feels a bit like a relief.

But then there's the pissed off side too.    

How could I have struggled with this my whole life and it never be diagnosed?    Why didn't anyone notice?  How different could my life have been if I had known this earlier?    How different would school have been?  Surely I wouldn't have missed the cut off sign up date for my SATs  because I was so unorganized and oblivious to dates, and surely I wouldn't have then convinced myself that I wouldn't get into any college anyway so it was pointless to take them anyway....

How different would all of my relationships with family, friends, everyone have been if I had been able to understand this disorder earlier?   

This is something that has impacted every part of who I am, who I thought I was, who I thought I should be and who I thought I was never good enough to be.  

It's a lot to take in.

I've debated whether or not to share this here, really I've told very few people,  and honestly not gotten the best reactions, but ultimately this is a part of who I am.   And if I'm going to embrace it and accept it I have to be honest about it.    And this blog is where I feel like I can really be honest.  Be myself.   I'm not planning on this becoming my ADD therapy blog or anything,  rather  I'm sure I'll need to vent from time to time while I try to sort this all out, so thought I'd give you a heads up of the crazy to come!   

Well, that and one Dr. did say "oh yeah, a huge percentage of adoptive moms have ADD"  this kind of made me giggle!   So, who knows maybe some of you can relate to my sort of crazy :)

1 comment:

hotflawedmama said...

I think my affliction is more OCD but I can relate. Hugs!