|My Mom and I in 1978|
This year for the first time, I suddenly came to the realization that Mother's day is not always a happy day for everyone. It can be a very emotional and complicated day. For many, like myself this day is bittersweet.
I know it's just a day, but it is a day that I would have definitely spent with my mom, or at the very least talked to her on the phone. I would have given her a card with a note inside telling her how grateful I was to have her and how this year I was going to stop taking advantage of her and really start showing her how much I appreciated everything she did for me. I did that every year, but I never really followed through, and I always took her for granted.
Today was a tough day.
As I was fully expecting it would be.
Really, the whole week leading up to today was incredibly difficult. My thoughts were flooded with memories of my mom. My dreams replayed those last days in amazing detail. And every waking thought found some way of coming back to her...
Something I was not anticipating this week however, a very dear friend of mine, who really, other than my mom is the one woman I've always looked up to as the perfect mother role model, lost her own mother.
My heart broke for her, knowing that pain all too well.
As per my usual way of dealing with things, what I was aching to do all week was to climb into bed and hide under the covers. Avoiding everything and everyone. But for obvious reasons, that wasn't an option.
I had to be there for my friend, and I had to attend the funeral. I couldn't avoid that.
I also couldn't avoid celebrating this day with my children.
I had to wake up this Mother's Day with a smile, because I have been blessed with five beautiful children who have also encountered a huge loss this year. Not to mention having to put up with a less than stellar mother of their own for the past 10 months, while I try to put myself back together.
I can't lie, even with my wonderful children and all of the lovely gifts that came straight from their hearts, it was still a struggle all day to keep the focus on the gifts I have rather than the one I've lost.
I know this would not have made my mom happy.
Next year, I hope I'm in a better place, where I will be able to do something to honor her memory rather than just mourn my loss.
This year I just couldn't.