Monday, May 9, 2011

Bittersweet

My Mom and I  in 1978


This year for the first time, I suddenly came to the realization that Mother's day is not always a happy day for everyone. It can be a very emotional and complicated day.  For many, like myself   this day is bittersweet.  


I know it's just a day, but it is a day that I would have definitely spent with my mom, or at the very least talked to her on the phone.  I would have given her a card with a note inside telling her how grateful I was to have her and how this year I was going to stop taking advantage of her and really start showing her how much I appreciated everything she did for me.   I did that every year, but I never really followed through, and I always took her for granted. 




Today was a tough day.  


As I was fully expecting it would be. 


Really, the whole week leading up to today was incredibly  difficult.  My thoughts were flooded with memories of my mom.  My dreams replayed those last days in amazing detail.  And every waking thought found some way of coming back to her... 


Something I was not anticipating this week however, a very dear friend of mine, who really, other than my mom is the one woman I've always looked up to as the perfect mother role model, lost her own mother.  


My heart broke for her, knowing that pain all too well. 
  


As per my usual way of dealing with things, what I was aching to do all week was to climb into bed and hide under the covers.  Avoiding everything and everyone.  But for obvious reasons, that wasn't an option. 


I had to be there for my friend, and I had to attend the funeral. I couldn't avoid that.


I also couldn't avoid celebrating this day with my children. 
I had to wake up this Mother's Day with a smile, because I have been blessed with five beautiful children who have also encountered a huge loss this year.  Not to mention having to put up with a less than stellar mother of their own for the past 10 months, while I try to put myself back together.




I can't lie, even with my wonderful children and all of the lovely gifts that came straight from their hearts, it was still a struggle all day to keep the focus on the gifts I have rather than the one I've lost.  


I know this would not have made my mom happy.   


Next year, I hope I'm in a better place, where I will be able to do something to honor her memory rather than just mourn my loss.  


This year I just couldn't.



















6 comments:

Julie said...

So sorry Jess. I see what you are going through by looking at my husband, and he is years' out. So difficult. Hugs to you.

Emily Jolly said...

Whew - I'm tearing up left at right at the coffee shop right now. It was so wonderful to see you last week- although I would have loved to spend a lot more time chit chatting.

After losing my grandma it made me realize that I can't even imagine how hard it was for you to lose your mom.

You and your family are always in my thoughts. Half because I miss playing with the kids and half because I miss drinking Bud Lights with you at the cottage. Let's get some dates on the calendar. ASAP.

Karin said...

Very beautiful, Jess! Mom would definitely be so proud of the amazing woman and mother that you are. This Mothers Day sure was a tough one. Love you!

los cazadores said...

I'm so sorry about your mother.

Mothers day was a sucky one for me too. Not for the same reasons. Just know it wasn't all glee for everyone...

Katie said...

Jess - I couldn't agree more with what Emily said... I bet it wasn't easy to come to Grandma's funeral, and that just shows what a wonderful and amazing person you are. Can't wait to see you and your lovely family this summer...

Chatter said...

Wow. I'm so sorry for your loss (and your friends). Happy belated Mother's day. You are a beautiful mother.