Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Random Ramblings

I have so much swirling around in my head these days.   Lots of big things and even more not so big things.    There's lots of post potential in there.

Like maybe a birthday post for Jack who turned 9 the first week of May?   I'm way behind.

Maybe I could do a post about how difficult it's been lately with Jud traveling so much....honestly, I have NO IDEA how single moms or moms who's husbands travel or work ALL THE TIME do it.  This is EXHAUSTING!

And I've also been thinking a lot about friendships lately.   About how sometimes you find them in the strangest of places.   Or how sometimes a sweet gesture from a friend can lift you up when you hadn't even realized you were falling.

I still want to finish the post that I've been working on for EVER about Jodie.  My dear friend who's been such an amazing support for me over the past two years.    Except now,  rather than being the post about how thankful I am to have her in my life and how I hope to be a better friend to her like she's always been to me, now it's turning into a farewell post.   Because she's moving. Sigh.

I've been having thoughts about whether or not we're really DONE done. (shhh don't tell Jud)

And I've been doing a lot of thinking about Emma and some difficulties she's been having for quite some time.    I know that many of you will be able to relate and likely have good advice,  but I just haven't been able to write quite what I'm wanting to yet.

I've been thinking of a friend who is preparing to bring her daughter home.    I know she's a worrier like me, so I've been racking my brain to think of ways I can be helpful to her from afar.   I may need to take another trip to DC this summer :)

I've been thinking of the fragility of life,  as my Aunt  prepares to say goodbye to her husband and best friend, not even a year after saying goodbye to her sister.    My heart breaks for her.  

My mind is full of thoughts.

But instead of spending all my spare time (insert sarcasm here) working on these posts, I've been reading these books.

I've got ADD on the brain.   And man this is some crazy shit!

I joke, but really this has been a big deal.    In many ways it feels like the missing piece of the puzzle.   Sort of helps make sense of  so many thoughts, feelings, reactions and emotions but it also forces me to really LOOK at the finished puzzle.   And something all these books are telling me, "adults with ADD are their own harshest critics"   Makes a lot of sense.   

It feels a bit like a relief.

But then there's the pissed off side too.    

How could I have struggled with this my whole life and it never be diagnosed?    Why didn't anyone notice?  How different could my life have been if I had known this earlier?    How different would school have been?  Surely I wouldn't have missed the cut off sign up date for my SATs  because I was so unorganized and oblivious to dates, and surely I wouldn't have then convinced myself that I wouldn't get into any college anyway so it was pointless to take them anyway....

How different would all of my relationships with family, friends, everyone have been if I had been able to understand this disorder earlier?   

This is something that has impacted every part of who I am, who I thought I was, who I thought I should be and who I thought I was never good enough to be.  

It's a lot to take in.

I've debated whether or not to share this here, really I've told very few people,  and honestly not gotten the best reactions, but ultimately this is a part of who I am.   And if I'm going to embrace it and accept it I have to be honest about it.    And this blog is where I feel like I can really be honest.  Be myself.   I'm not planning on this becoming my ADD therapy blog or anything,  rather  I'm sure I'll need to vent from time to time while I try to sort this all out, so thought I'd give you a heads up of the crazy to come!   

Well, that and one Dr. did say "oh yeah, a huge percentage of adoptive moms have ADD"  this kind of made me giggle!   So, who knows maybe some of you can relate to my sort of crazy :)

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Wordless Wednesday

Our family of 7

We had our finalization hearing this week. Yes he's been home over for a year, what can I say, I suck with details, especially details that require more paperwork!   Really that's the only reason this hasn't happened sooner.   

It was a whole family affair.

The kids and I got all spiffied up, Jud looks this good everyday!   Will was so dang handsome in his little coat and tie!  I can't believe I didn't get any good pictures of him,  actually yes I can,  I couldn't take any pictures because he didn't stop running the entire time!

This time was much different than when we had Emma's hearing.   I'm not sure if it's because the process has changed or just because we were living in a different county at the time.    This one felt much more "official".   Our social worker had to be present and actually testify on our behalf,  as well as both Jud and I.   The judge asked a lot of questions, and really got into great detail.  

The judge was really genuine, and had lots of kind words about our family.   Then he invited us all up to bang the ol gavel!    When it was Jack's turn he threw his arms in the air and yelled "guilty!"  even got a good chuckle out of the bailiff.

After my sister saw these pictures on Facebook she called and asked why I didn't tell anybody that this was our court date.   I guess it just felt like more like a wasn't like I was worried that the judge was going to say no...more like, just making sure we filed all the correct papers.

Like my dad said when I told him, "I'm not surprised, he's been calling me Papa for a long time!"

Will's been a part of our family since  we first saw the photo of his little tiny face....but still, it's nice to be official.

Sunday, May 15, 2011

A Day in the Life... of a crazy person

So, I'm a little late to the party but all the blogamigas  cool kids are doing it so I've just gotta do it too. You know,  because I've always wanted to be cool.  

No but really,  in all craziness   seriousness this was something I did last year  and thought it was really fun to see, not only what so many other moms' days were like, but also what I really do during the day.   Every day seems to begin and end the same and every day I feel like I have the same to do list that never seems to get done, so for me it's crazy interesting to see where my day actually goes!  

Alrightie sooooo this was my Friday, cue the circus theme music...

5:30   Wake up and pry myself from the clutches of these two sweaty bodies.

meet Jud in the kitchen, where he has this waiting for me.  

we talk for a few minutes about what our days look like and then he heads to the shower and I fold a little laundry. I actually don't even mind doing it because it's still quiet in the house.

6:30  The kids start to trickle down, and breakfast is in full swing.    I get all of the lunch boxes out and start packing.   When it comes to sandwiches I open the bread drawer and see only one single piece of shit!

with no time to go the store before Jud leaves I decide, hey what a great day to have lunch together.   I'll pick the kids up from school and we can have a picnic lunch together and then I'll bring them back.   AWESOME!  I write the notes to the teachers.

Then I wake the lone preteen straggler....

Suddenly we're in our CRAZY hour, 7:00-8:00 is INSANE!

Getting everyone  fed, cleaned, teeth brushed, and dressed...the boys insist on having  their clothes laid out for them, the girls insist on doing it themselves...on this day they were both told to "try again" at least two times.   While they work on getting dressed I run around making's this new thing I'm trying,  no really,  I think when you go to bed in a clean comfy environment you sleep better.   Well at least I do.

8:00 Drop off the bigs.  Suddenly remember they all do NOT share the same lunch period.  And neither does Emma.   And it's cold and rainy so no picnic.  aw shit! This will be interesting.

Em insists on going to get a bagel and I happily oblige, because I haven't had breakfast and what the hey, we're dressed!  Actually I'm still in the sweats I slept in, but she and Will are dressed.

Bagel with Bacon.  She's a self proclaimed "meatasourus"!

 In the bagel store we run in to a really good friend,  I share the current lunch drama with her, she says, "well why don't you just get bread and then drop off the lunches."   DOH!  Why didn't I think of that?!!  Now I had already written the notes, told the kids who got all no chance of that now. 

9:00  We drop Emma off at school.   Can't take a picture because my phone is dead, so I look in the console for the charger, where I find the Thank You cards from Emma's birthday March. NICE. 

9:30  Home. Quick switch laundry.  Try to plan out the lunch pick up/drop off schedule.   Looks like between 11:10 and 1:00  we will have 3 separate trips to pick up and drop off at school for this lunch break.   

To make things easier, I ordered lunch ahead of time.   

This is what Will was doing while I was ordering.

I quick jump in a shower, because it's been so long that it's no longer an option not to!  Then Will and I have a little time to play and drool over each other!  

11:00 and we're off to begin the marathon of lunch hours!

Will in the office waiting for "Haaam" (Sam)


11:30   Lunch hour begins with a smile:)  until he tells me, "you forgot to send my m&m's for our math project today" aw shit! 

We eat quick.  Then we're off to pick up Caroline and Jack, run to the store for m&m's milk and bread, drop Sam (and his m&m's) at school and then back to get Emma.   Lunch hour 2 and 3  in full effect. 

12:30  Drop off the two biggest bigs back to school.  Emma and I cuddle for a bit before it's time to bring her back too.

1:30  Snuggle the baby until he falls asleep.   (one of my favorite parts of the day)

Except today I have pack the sleeping baby back into the car and take him to my incredible friend Jodie's house because I have a Dr. appt.

2:30 Back to Jodie's to pick up Will.  We chat for a bit over coffee, then Will and I are off to school for the end of the day pick up.

3:30 Everyone is home.

Emma has a friend over so after a quick snack they head downstairs to play.   Caroline heads to her room to pack for a sleepover later tonight.   The music starts blaring.

Sam does a little of this

While Jack does this

Which is incredibly helpful while I run around the house doing a quick pick up and move all the laundry from the dining room table to the upstairs hallway.

4:30 quick meeting at the newly cleaned off dining room table with an architect to talk about expansion possibilities. 

Then is time to race around the house, digging through even more laundry to look for uniforms and "nut cups" for the boys baseball game.


5:00  Jud pulls in the driveway, runs in to change quick and then heads back out the door with these two.

Will is very upset that he doesn't get to go with.

5:30 We drop off Emma's friend and head to game.

6:30 Jud stays at the game while I bring Will and the girls home for a quick dinner before Caroline gets picked up for her sleepover at 7:00

7:30 The boys are home finishing up their dinner, Emma has a second dinner, and Will plays for a few more minutes before heading to bed.

8:30 Will is sound asleep and the rest of us snuggle in for movie night.

Tonight's feature

which is only made better with

8:30  More of the same.

9:30  The movie is done, and Jud puts the kids down.    Normally this is when I would check fb and then see what's happening in blogland, but oddly enough tonight I'm too exhausted to possibly stay awake for another minute.

Yup, I'm glad I made my bed this morning.   I'm out like a light by 10:00

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Wordless Wednesday

did I mention that I am totally afraid of heights?  that's just how much I love this kid!

Monday, May 9, 2011


My Mom and I  in 1978

This year for the first time, I suddenly came to the realization that Mother's day is not always a happy day for everyone. It can be a very emotional and complicated day.  For many, like myself   this day is bittersweet.  

I know it's just a day, but it is a day that I would have definitely spent with my mom, or at the very least talked to her on the phone.  I would have given her a card with a note inside telling her how grateful I was to have her and how this year I was going to stop taking advantage of her and really start showing her how much I appreciated everything she did for me.   I did that every year, but I never really followed through, and I always took her for granted. 

Today was a tough day.  

As I was fully expecting it would be. 

Really, the whole week leading up to today was incredibly  difficult.  My thoughts were flooded with memories of my mom.  My dreams replayed those last days in amazing detail.  And every waking thought found some way of coming back to her... 

Something I was not anticipating this week however, a very dear friend of mine, who really, other than my mom is the one woman I've always looked up to as the perfect mother role model, lost her own mother.  

My heart broke for her, knowing that pain all too well. 

As per my usual way of dealing with things, what I was aching to do all week was to climb into bed and hide under the covers.  Avoiding everything and everyone.  But for obvious reasons, that wasn't an option. 

I had to be there for my friend, and I had to attend the funeral. I couldn't avoid that.

I also couldn't avoid celebrating this day with my children. 
I had to wake up this Mother's Day with a smile, because I have been blessed with five beautiful children who have also encountered a huge loss this year.  Not to mention having to put up with a less than stellar mother of their own for the past 10 months, while I try to put myself back together.

I can't lie, even with my wonderful children and all of the lovely gifts that came straight from their hearts, it was still a struggle all day to keep the focus on the gifts I have rather than the one I've lost.  

I know this would not have made my mom happy.   

Next year, I hope I'm in a better place, where I will be able to do something to honor her memory rather than just mourn my loss.  

This year I just couldn't.

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

A Mother's Prayer

This week is proving to be a tough one.

The first mother's day without my mom is approaching.

I realize this day may not always be a happy one for everyone. For those of you, like me who are in need of a good laugh right now...

“First, Lord: No tattoos. May neither Chinese symbol for truth nor Winnie-the-Pooh holding the FSU logo stain her tender haunches.

May she be Beautiful but not Damaged, for it’s the Damage that draws the creepy soccer coach’s eye, not the Beauty.

When the Crystal Meth is offered, may she remember the parents who cut her grapes in half And stick with Beer.

Guide her, protect her when crossing the street, stepping onto boats, swimming in the ocean, swimming in pools, walking near pools, standing on the subway platform, crossing 86th Street, stepping off of boats, using mall restrooms, getting on and off escalators, driving on country roads while arguing, leaning on large windows, walking in parking lots, riding Ferris wheels, roller-coasters, log flumes, or anything called “Hell Drop,” “Tower of Torture,” or “The Death Spiral Rock ‘N Zero G Roll featuring Aerosmith,” and standing on any kind of balcony ever, anywhere, at any age.

Lead her away from Acting but not all the way to Finance. Something where she can make her own hours but still feel intellectually fulfilled and get outside sometimes And not have to wear high heels. What would that be, Lord? Architecture? Midwifery? Golf course design? I’m asking You, because if I knew, I’d be doing it, Youdammit.

May she play the Drums to the fiery rhythm of her Own Heart with the sinewy strength of her Own Arms, so she need Not Lie With Drummers.

Grant her a Rough Patch from twelve to seventeen.Let her draw horses and be interested in Barbies for much too long, For childhood is short – a Tiger Flower blooming Magenta for one day – And adulthood is long and dry-humping in cars will wait.

O Lord, break the Internet forever, that she may be spared the misspelled invective of her peers And the online marketing campaign for Rape Hostel V: Girls Just Wanna Get Stabbed.

And when she one day turns on me and calls me a Bitch in front of Hollister, Give me the strength, Lord, to yank her directly into a cab in front of her friends, For I will not have that Shit. I will not have it.

And should she choose to be a Mother one day, be my eyes, Lord, that I may see her, lying on a blanket on the floor at 4:50 A.M., all-at-once exhausted, bored, and in love with the little creature whose poop is leaking up its back. “My mother did this for me once,” she will realize as she cleans feces off her baby’s neck. “My mother did this for me.” And the delayed gratitude will wash over her as it does each generation and she will make a Mental Note to call me. And she will forget. But I’ll know, because I peeped it with Your God eyes.


-Tina Fey

Wordless Wednesday

Monday, May 2, 2011

Sunday, May 1, 2011

Spring Break 2011 part 2

Well it sure doesn't take long for reality to come and pummel that vacation high right outta ya!

I shouldn't be surprised really.

I know how hectic life with 5 kids is, and just how much laundry those 5 kids produce.

It's just that for the first time, in a really, really, long time, I felt relaxed. My head wasn't spinning all day, and I didn't have the next day's 'to do' list running through my head at night.

I actually slept.

It felt good. No, it felt great.

I don't think I was ready for that to end yet.

Note to self, beg and plea to Jud to make next years trip for two weeks!

This was really the most wonderful week we've all had together in quite some time. Swimming, playing in the sand, waking up before the sun to walk the beach in search of that damn sand dollar, laughing, eating every meal together every day. Incredible memories were made. We were all sooooo relaxed all week. Honestly, there was little to no fighting, or whining all week.

Um, we have 5 kids, so that's kind of a big deal!

Every day ended on the beach at sunset.


Not to mention offered great lighting for photos, which I loved because this was really the only time I could take pictures while we were dressed in actual clothes rather than swimsuits, but more importantly watching the "bouncing ball" like my mom used to say at sunset, brought back so many memories of watching sunsets with her...

I finally felt happy when I remembered her, rather than sad. And that felt good.

Well with that said,

****Warning, copious amounts of photos to follow*****

If cuteness bothers you, then by all means shield your eyes!

These are some happy girls! Looking for the ever illusive sand dollar...



Please excuse the boobage...apparently I eat when I grieve and even more apparently I mostly gain weight in my there you have it, could be worse right? Still, Yikes!

Man I love these boys.

They could have fun together in, well, a hole.

shoot, we forgot Will!

Just the girls

and boys and again forgot Will (poor 5th child)

Little Miss Attitude!

I mean come on. CUTENESS!!!

ugh. I want to go back.