Friday, January 29, 2010

Not forgotten

Yesterday was Caroline's 9th birthday!

For whatever reason, nine seems like a big number to me. I can't believe it's been nine years since I became a mother. Nine years of watching this beautiful baby girl grow, learn, explore, and transform into the spectacular person she is today. I have so much to say about Caroline, so many memories I want to get down before my mommy-brain turns to mush, but of course it must wait for another day...I'm short on time...story of my life I know!

Also, I'm afraid my computer is in the midst of a breakdown, so I've moved all of my photos...and you can't have a post about Caroline without photos!

I'll write more soon, and hopefully get some photos to go with it, just didn't want her or anyone else to think that she was forgotten.

Monday, January 25, 2010

Worries.

I was talking to my sister Kristin the other day about our travel date.

For a brief time we thought our date changed, and I was busy struggling trying to juggle schedules, making sure all of the details with the kids and the dogs would be covered while we were gone...on a different date than we had previously planned.

then, we heard that our travel date is back to the date we were originally given...March 11th.

Anyway, when I was talking to Kristin, she asked me, "are you worried?"

OF COURSE I'M WORRIED!!!


There are so many things I'm worried about. All of which I've been meaning to blog about...it just usually turns out that once I get my thoughts together enough to type them down, I don't have the time...

I guess tonight is the night.

The kids are all down, and I've spent the majority of the day painting which seems to be my code word for thinking.



So. My Worries.

-It's been a long time since we've had a baby in the house, will it all kick back in?

-How will I juggle all of the drop offs and pick ups with nap times?

-How will I make sure to get one on one time with each of the kids?

-How am I going to keep up on laundry with a baby?

-Will I hear him when he gets up in the night?

-Will he want to co sleep?

-What if he doesn't bond to us right away?

-What if we don't bond with him right away?

-What if I buy the wrong size diapers?

-What if he doesn't like the formula I've brought?

-What do we pack? For us? For baby Will? What size does he wear?

-Every time we add to our family, there is a period of adjustment. I kick into mommy mode for awhile, and life is all about the kids. Not just for the new one but for the kids already at home, I try to make sure that all of the kids are getting what they need. Everything else gets put on the back burner... Which means that even the strong relationship that Jud and I have, things get strained. Honestly, after Emma came home, it took a good year or so before things where back to status quo for us. I worry about the strength of our marriage, our strength in each other, can we support one another again and get through the tough times ahead?

-Will we be stronger after all of this?

-Will I ever get a good nights sleep again?

-How do I baby proof a house full of Lego's and Polly pockets?

This is just the beginning of the list of questions that are constantly running through my head. All of these, I know we'll figure out. We'll get there. I know that. But I still worry. That's me.



What I've been worried about most is our trip to Ethiopia.

As most of you know, when Emma came home we chose to have an escort bring her from Ethiopia to us. At the time, we didn't have much of a choice. Everything happened so quickly, and we had three very young kids at home and no local help...no family close by that could help...there really was no way we could travel...

But I've always felt badly about that. guilty maybe?

maybe regretted?


I guess so. There are always regrets right?


Since the time that Emma came home, our agency has started to offer birth family meetings. While in Ethiopia we will actually have the chance to meet Will's birth family. And possibly Emma's too. There is no way we can't travel. We can't miss that incredible opportunity.

But oh my God. Both Jud and I traveling, on a plane, out of the country, with everything that is happening in the world? It terrifies me! What if something happens? What about our four kids at home? Is it selfish for both us to go? But we both want so badly to be there...together. Should just one of us go? Which one? Could I really handle a trip to Ethiopia alone? Not just the logistics of airports and paperwork but emotionally. seeing the country two of my children were born in. meeting our son. meeting his family. meeting Emma's family. Could I really do that alone?

I don't know what to do.

We keep going back and forth. One minute we think we've made a decision, but then we think, oh no, now I'm not so sure.

All along we had planned on making the trip together. That's how we've envisioned it. In an ideal scenario that's what we'd do. But as time gets closer, with every plane crash or security threat we read about, I just don't know. It seems too risky for both of us to go.

oh, adoption friends. what do we do? we need to buy our tickets, like yesterday! how have all of you made this decision? if you were traveling now, would your decision change?

are my fears totally irrational?

Sunday, January 24, 2010

The birthday boy

Oh Sam.

What can I tell you about this beautiful child?
























He's a little character!




























Sam love love loves to make people laugh! And is very successful in doing so! He has quite the knack for putting on shows, which he almost always in costume for! Sam is very creative and has an amazing imagination! I mean seriously, how many little boys do you know that can spend a whole afternoon with nothing but markers, paper and a little cardboard???

I just love him! He's silly and goofy, and such sweetheart! I can't wait to see what he does with his life! Well, one day. Not anytime soon though. For now I just love watching his personality flourish...his limitless energy be spent playing and imagining.

I am so so lucky to be his mom!

Saturday, January 23, 2010

Sam

I can barely believe it, Sam turned 6 today!!!!





This was from last year. I'll try to add some more recent pictures of the big boy tomorrow...

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Friday, January 8, 2010

Update

In nine weeks Jud and I will be in Ethiopia picking up our son!

We heard this week that we have a TENATIVE travel date! We should arrive in Ethiopia March 11th. We were told to find flights, but not book yet...fingers crossed that things become definate soon.

In the meantime, my head is spinning.

So many worries. So many what if's circulating around in my head. And of course thrilled that we are getting closer to finally meeting our son! I am nervous and excited about having a baby in our house again...it's been awhile!

I'm hoping to write more about all of this tomorrow, right now I'm off for the second school drop off of the day and then a quick few errands before pick up times start!

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

Friday, January 1, 2010

Happy New Year!

So, I've been working on a post all week, about what we've been up to this winter break...but apparently nothing all that exciting has been happening around here!


We did however wake up to find some great news this morning!

We have a birth certificate!

Now "the next milestone to reach is the passport issuance and completion of the embassy medical exam including TB testing. This has been taking an average of 2-4 weeks minimum. Final travel clearance will be assigned once we have the results of this medical."

Great great news! It finally feels real! He's really coming! Our family is almost complete.


William Feiso (Feiso literally means, “Savior.”) will be home soon.


I know everyone is waiting for photos and details...those in the adoption world know that since we are now legally his parents, we are able to share any photos or information we've received, even on the blog...but I'm just not ready.

At first we had only two photos. Photos that I've memorized every detail of...

A few weeks ago we received an update. It had his daily routine, his schedule, his menu, and what the nannies can do to get him to giggle! It also had lots of new photos...we can see pudgy cheeks starting to emerge on his smiley little face! His once long and twiggy legs are showing rolls! His straight hair is getting curly!

And his eyes, they sparkle...



This is all we have of our son.



These new photos that we have plastered around the house, that I carry in my coat pocket to share with everyone I see, that I have practically stared holes through, I just can't bring myself to post them.

They just feel too personal.


So I apologize but many of you will have to wait until Jud and I travel to Ethiopia to see pictures of our son Will!!!! Hopefully it won't be long!!!!