Saturday, July 10, 2010

Holding on tight. Preparing to let go.

The past few weeks have been a blur. I feel like I'm in a fog most of the time. When I'm at home, I'm wondering how things are going at my mom's. When I'm here I'm wondering how the kids are doing at home.

I'm learning a lot about myself. How I grieve. And I have to say it's not pretty. Nor is it good for my marriage. I know it's been hard on Jud, I just have nothing left to give. I feel empty. He wants to help, desperately. But he can't. He wants to listen, but I can't talk. He wants to hold me, but I can't stop moving. Because when I stop, it hurts. Terribly. When I stop, I start to think about what it's going to feel like when I wake up one morning, very soon, and she won't be here. I won't be able to see her, call her. She'll be gone. Forever. I will have lost my mother.

So I keep moving.

This week I've spent every minute I could with her, with my brothers and sisters and my dad. I've learned just how much we need each other. I've learned that I'm not the only one who has this insane way of coping with grief. My sisters and I have all been busy pacing around the house, washing windows, mowing the lawn anything to keep from stopping for too long. One of my brothers and I had a great late night talk/cry. It felt good. I think I'm getting there.

I can see how at peace my mom is. It's very comforting. She made sure to tell us all how proud she is of us and how much she loves us and that she'll be watching over all of us. When I asked her if she was afraid, she just smiled and said, "oh, not really."

Right now I'm just holding on tight but at the same time preparing to let go... I only wish I had an ounce of her strength and courage.

9 comments:

one thankfulmom said...

I'm so very sorry for your sorrow. Grief is hard and you are doing it well.

Anonymous said...

Jess, I'm so sorry... I'm shedding tears here for you, and I also know that your family, our family, will be strong enough to support you through this. Please hang in there.
Dave

Julie said...

Oh Jess, I am so sorry you and your family are going through this. Love to you.

Ladybugs appear said...

Heart hug. I am so sorry.

Anonymous said...

Be with her and spend the time. We're fine. We miss and love you and will be here when you are ready to come home.

stephanie said...

I am so, so sorry. Hugs to you Jess.

Calmil2 said...

So sorry Jess...hold on...one minute at a time. Hugs.

Amy and Emily Jolly said...

Jess, you're constantly in our thoughts. Stay strong - we love you!

A & E

Christina said...

You've been on my mind this week, Jess. Sending all my best thoughts your way, along with lots of hugs.